Effective parenting
By
Jimmy Henderson MA (psychology) CHRP
There appears to be some
confusion amongst modern parents as to exactly what is the most suitable
approach to parenting, as well as how to deal with children who misbehave. I
have noticed that there are many new fads with catch phrases such as ‘allow
them to be themselves’ or ‘express their personalities’ and so on. What is
interesting is that these statements have actually no foundation in research into
child-development, in fact, just the opposite. For example, children are still
in the process of developing their personalities up until the age of about
eight, and when young, actually require firm and consistent discipline from both
parents (or partners), with clear guidelines as to what is acceptable behaviour
and what is not. Most importantly, they should certainly never be simply left
to their own devices. In fact, research has shown that by allowing small
children total freedom, we can actually allow insecurities and confusion to enter
and become part of their developing personalities.
Unfortunately, small children
are also sometimes indulged by parents or caregivers in an attempt to secure
their co-operation. Whilst it is important to love and bond with children and
spend as much time with them as possible, re-assuring, hugging and holding them
and seeing to their needs, they also need to learn to respect their parents. In
fact, it is often this lack of respect that leads to confrontations later on
when children grow up to become teenagers. I always told my own children that
we can be ‘friends’ when they are grown up and able to make their own decisions
and take responsibility for their own lives, but when they were still young I
insisted that they need to respect the fact that I was the parent and would exercise
my responsibility as such.
Respect should be instilled
in children from a very early age, and is earned by a parent or caregiver
having a set of definite limits and rules concerning acceptable behaviour and
not being afraid to punish if these rules are transgressed. In fact, research
has shown that children feel more secure if there are clear rules in a
household and they are not left floundering in uncertainty as to what is
required of them.
This respect, and the trust
of children, is also earned by providing the child with a good example of how
adults should behave, with parents or caregivers demonstrating love and
integrity in their behaviour towards each other. In this regard, we know from
research that problems between parents or partners do impact severely on
children, especially when they are young and impressionable. It is
unfortunately true that incidents such as arguments and conflict in the home
can make a small child very anxious, and major events such as divorce or
separation from role models such as the father-figure, can result in long-term
problems.
Some children can overcome
difficult circumstances and still do fairly well, but I do not believe that any
child will be left untouched by traumatic circumstances at home. As parents or
caregivers, great care needs to be taken as regards our behaviour in the home
and to ensure that we always provide a positive and loving example to our children.
It is also necessary to instill spiritual or moral values in children at an
early age, which will support them during their later years.
Finally,
if it is seen early on that a child is experiencing developmental or learning
problems either at school or at home, it should not be ignored, or even worse
still, denied, but acknowledged and addressed immediately by means of referral
to a qualified person. The problem will not simply go away and will only become
worse once the child reaches adolescence and becomes a teenager, as a whole
series of new factors now come into play.
Adapted from ‘A guide to Effective parenting’ by Jimmy Henderson
(e-book), available from Amazon.com
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