A collection of 7 important meditations
By Jimmy Henderson
Meditating to reduce stress
The following is a simple form of meditation to release stress which can be practiced at home or at the office. Sit quietly and comfortably, close your eyes and begin to breathe to a count of one to five. Focus on nothing else but the counting (either aloud or in your mind). Breathe in 1,2,3,4,5 hold your breath, 1,2,3,4, 5 breathe out 1,2,3,4,5 hold your breath 1,2,3,4,5 breathe in 1,2,3,4,5 and so on. Carry on with the counting and breathing until your mind is free of all thought, completely quiet and you feel totally relaxed. Try to meditate in this way for at least twenty seconds, a few times each day.
First-person imagery
When engaging in visualization, try to further develop your abilities by shifting your vision to the ‘first-person’. In other words, strive to no longer see yourself as a separate figure in the imagery, but place yourself in the body of the figure and begin to look through his or her eyes into the scene. You should begin to see only your hands and feet as you occupy the imaginary body, see and feel the grass beneath your feet or your hand touching a bush or tree as you walk in the visualized scene. It will take a while before your mind adjusts to the change, but if you keep practicing you will achieve this first-person perspective and radically increase your sensory experiences during visualization.
Spontaneous imagery
Enter into visualization and see yourself entering a beautiful garden. Try to use the first-person perspective if at all possible and see the grass, flowers and bushes through imagined ‘eyes’.
Move slowly through the garden scene. At this point you will still be actively generating each image and holding the whole scene together. Once you have succeeded in producing a three-dimensional scene together with feelings, scents and textures, begin to let go of your rigid control of the scene, allowing it to drift very lightly in your imagination.
Your subconscious should take over at this point and you will find that the scene seems to be taking on a life of its own. This enables you to peer around with a little more freedom. What you are looking for, are any forms, images or objects which you, yourself, did not introduce into the scene. You may now be amazed to find that the scene has become more fluid and images, emotions or impressions are spontaneously presenting themselves to you. These spontaneous feelings or images have only two possible sources. Either they are symbolic messages from your own subconscious mind or higher self, or are originating outside of your consciousness and may be a message from an angel or guide.
Once you begin to see strange impressions or images ‘popping up’ in your scene, note what is happening and slowly withdraw from your visualisation to reflect on their meaning. Later on you may even find that whole scenes begin to unfold spontaneously and everything becomes almost like a continuous dream, although you are still fully awake.
A meditation on your inner oracle (This requires a prior knowledge of spontaneous imagery)
This is an exercise in which you set an intention to access an ‘oracle’ of great wisdom, which should be a figure of an old man or woman and symbolises to you, God, wisdom or your higher self.
Begin by visualising yourself standing and facing a high hill or mountain, engage spontaneous imagery and slowly begin a climb to the top. This climb should take a few minutes of real-time. Note any obstacles such as boulders along your path. They all have a special meaning and will indicate issues that are holding you back on your spiritual path.
Once you we reach the top of the mountain (or hill), see an old figure sitting on a rock a short distance in front of you. This is your vision of the oracle. As I said previously, he or she should represent your highest concept of God, wisdom or your higher self.
Move slowly towards him (or her) with your head bowed and pose a question (or questions) simply and unambiguously. See and hear the oracle providing you with an answer(s) to your question(s). These answers will generally be short, but do not consider them at this time, merely give thanks, walk backwards away from the oracle and descend the mountain or hill.
Once you have returned to your starting point, consider what was said and write it down for further interpretation. You can use this visualisation over and over during the following weeks or even months to obtain any answers you seek.
A meditation on the higher self or soul
Begin with a meditation and the total relaxation of your mind and body and set your intention to experience a moment in which you will remember your higher or true self.
Lift your hands up, look at them and repeat the words, ‘I’m alive’ a few times. Turn your hands towards your chest and focus on the area between your hands and chest. Change the affirmation to the words ‘I am’, repeating them over and over again. Now change the words ‘I am’ to the word, ‘I’. Repeat the affirmation of ‘I’ a number of times, slowly and deliberately.
Continue until you are suddenly moved to take a quick, deep breath. This indicates a connection to your higher/ true self or soul. Remain in this state as long as you can, enjoying each moment. Open to the experience of a new sense of wonder and vitality. This is what you were meant to be, a being of light, not a body of pain and a mind filled with fear and suffering
Note your experiences and slowly end your meditation, become conscious of your body and return to normal awareness
Preparing your mind to access different realities
Find a quiet space and enter into meditation with a view to totally relaxing your mind (keep your eyes closed at this point)
Set an intention to shift your perception between a created reality and the real-life world. Enter into visualization and mentally create a scenario in which you which you visit a strange planet with zero gravity. You disembark from your ship to see a world where rocks are floating suspended in the air a meter or two above the ground.
The images you create should be clear, precise, three-dimensional and in full colour. Engage spontaneous imagery by letting go of active control of the scene. Note that some of the rocks are turning slowly, but always remaining at the same height and position relative to the others. See yourself walking amongst them and when you reach out and touch or push them, they respond by moving or spinning slightly, but once again, always returning to their original position
Relax into this visualization completely by letting your unconscious take over and enjoy the feeling of total peace and balance as the rocks continue to float and twirl slowly on all sides of you. After a while, slowly open your eyes. Notice that the images of the floating rocks are still visible, even in the room where you are sitting. Try to shift your attention back and forth between the reality of your room and your created world of floating rocks.
When you have succeeded in shifting your perception a number of times, withdraw slowly from the meditation and visualization and return to normal consciousness.
Meditation to work with energy
Begin by sitting comfortably and entering into a light meditation. Raise your right arm slightly and turn your right hand palm upwards at about shoulder height, curling your fingers in the same way as if a large grapefruit was resting in your hand.
Hold it like this until you feel the energy accumulating in your palm. Now set your intention to release any negative energies and concerns through this hand and engage spontaneous imagery. Focus your practiced intention lightly on the area about 20 cm above your upturned hand and see the energy radiating upwards and immediately transforming into images of birds flying out of your hand, as if they have been set free.
You will notice that initially that the birds may have broken wings, are dark in colour or take the form of aggressive birds such as crows, suggesting that the energy leaving your hand is not pure. Continue with your practiced Intention to release the negative energy and let it radiate from your hand in this way until you see the colour and form of the birds changing. They should become white in colour and change into more gentle and beautiful birds, such as doves.
Once this has occurred, it means that you have succeeded in releasing the negativity and are radiating energy that is more pure and loving. Give thanks and end your meditation.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Road rage
Dealing with road rage
By Jimmy Henderson BA Hons(phil), MA (Psychology), CHRP
In our modern and fast-paced world we are all experiencing heightened stress levels due to the pressures of having to juggle relationships, work and family matters, cope with financial and economic concerns, and in this country in particular, experiencing high levels of crime. Unfortunately, psychological research has shown that stress accumulates and can remain for long periods of time. Add to it the frustrations involved with peak-hour traffic and one can easily understand that many people are running close to empty when it comes to their coping resources.
A stress overload can produce a situation in which one reacts to any perceived threat with a set of behaviours classified as the ‘flight or fight response’. This means that a person will, depending on his/her individual characteristics and resources, either avoid the situation by fleeing the scene as quickly as possible, or in the case of a more assertive personality, actually be prepared to stand and fight, literally as well as figuratively.
When confronted with a perceived violation of his or her ‘road rights’, in stressed individuals this ‘fight’ response could easily activate and translate into aggression, abuse and violence, which is commonly known as ‘road rage’.
Fortunately, there is also a cognitive (thinking) component that underlies and influences our actions, a set of self-instructions called ‘schemas’. These are simple scripts for our responses which exist at a subliminal level of the mind and have been formed from our past experiences.
In the case of road rage, these scripts would most likely be along the lines of; ‘I cannot allow this’, or ‘I must confront this person’, or ‘I have to put a stop to this nonsense’. These imperatives, involving words like ‘cannot allow’, ‘must stop’ ‘ought to do’ or ‘have to’, can create major problems when it comes to behaviour, as they are shortcuts which often bypass the use of reason.
Keeping this research in mind, there are therefore two possible ways in which road rage could be prevented. First, a person’s general stress level can be reduced and managed with relaxation exercises, which will prevent the ‘flight or fight’ response from activating during an altercation. In this regard, research has shown that meditation is effective in reducing stress. Some meditation techniques can change one’s level of awareness and should be reserved for quiet periods at home. However, the particular meditation exercise which follows is so simple that it could be applied even when driving, to produce a more relaxed state of mind.
Begin to breathe in and out to a count of one to five. Clear your mind and focus on nothing else but the counting (either aloud or in your mind). Breathe in 1,2,3,4,5, hold your breath, 1,2,3,4, 5, breathe out 1,2,3,4,5, hold your breath 1,2,3,4,5, breathe in 1,2,3,4,5 and so on. Continue with this counting and breathing until your mind is quiet and you feel more relaxed. If you wish, you can increase the effectiveness of this breathing exercise by repeating suitable affirmations over and over while you drive. For example, ‘I am relaxed and at peace’.
The second method is to change the content of the underlying schemas or word-scripts which are sustaining the stress and feelings of aggression. This is not so easy, as they usually exist at an unconscious level and are quite resistant to change. However, once again, if we are successful in creating positive new scripts by continuously using affirmations, it will be possible to have more conscious control over our actions.
Examples of suitable affirmations would be:
‘I cannot be bothered by this incident’
‘I do not have to respond to this’
‘I am not prepared to fill my mind with these thoughts or emotions’
‘I simply do not wish to upset myself with this person’
‘I consciously release these negative thoughts’
Such affirmations would have to also be repeated continuously verbally or mentally until they become assimilated into our network of schemas. We will know that this has happened when, during a traffic altercation, these are the thoughts that come to mind.
By Jimmy Henderson BA Hons(phil), MA (Psychology), CHRP
In our modern and fast-paced world we are all experiencing heightened stress levels due to the pressures of having to juggle relationships, work and family matters, cope with financial and economic concerns, and in this country in particular, experiencing high levels of crime. Unfortunately, psychological research has shown that stress accumulates and can remain for long periods of time. Add to it the frustrations involved with peak-hour traffic and one can easily understand that many people are running close to empty when it comes to their coping resources.
A stress overload can produce a situation in which one reacts to any perceived threat with a set of behaviours classified as the ‘flight or fight response’. This means that a person will, depending on his/her individual characteristics and resources, either avoid the situation by fleeing the scene as quickly as possible, or in the case of a more assertive personality, actually be prepared to stand and fight, literally as well as figuratively.
When confronted with a perceived violation of his or her ‘road rights’, in stressed individuals this ‘fight’ response could easily activate and translate into aggression, abuse and violence, which is commonly known as ‘road rage’.
Fortunately, there is also a cognitive (thinking) component that underlies and influences our actions, a set of self-instructions called ‘schemas’. These are simple scripts for our responses which exist at a subliminal level of the mind and have been formed from our past experiences.
In the case of road rage, these scripts would most likely be along the lines of; ‘I cannot allow this’, or ‘I must confront this person’, or ‘I have to put a stop to this nonsense’. These imperatives, involving words like ‘cannot allow’, ‘must stop’ ‘ought to do’ or ‘have to’, can create major problems when it comes to behaviour, as they are shortcuts which often bypass the use of reason.
Keeping this research in mind, there are therefore two possible ways in which road rage could be prevented. First, a person’s general stress level can be reduced and managed with relaxation exercises, which will prevent the ‘flight or fight’ response from activating during an altercation. In this regard, research has shown that meditation is effective in reducing stress. Some meditation techniques can change one’s level of awareness and should be reserved for quiet periods at home. However, the particular meditation exercise which follows is so simple that it could be applied even when driving, to produce a more relaxed state of mind.
Begin to breathe in and out to a count of one to five. Clear your mind and focus on nothing else but the counting (either aloud or in your mind). Breathe in 1,2,3,4,5, hold your breath, 1,2,3,4, 5, breathe out 1,2,3,4,5, hold your breath 1,2,3,4,5, breathe in 1,2,3,4,5 and so on. Continue with this counting and breathing until your mind is quiet and you feel more relaxed. If you wish, you can increase the effectiveness of this breathing exercise by repeating suitable affirmations over and over while you drive. For example, ‘I am relaxed and at peace’.
The second method is to change the content of the underlying schemas or word-scripts which are sustaining the stress and feelings of aggression. This is not so easy, as they usually exist at an unconscious level and are quite resistant to change. However, once again, if we are successful in creating positive new scripts by continuously using affirmations, it will be possible to have more conscious control over our actions.
Examples of suitable affirmations would be:
‘I cannot be bothered by this incident’
‘I do not have to respond to this’
‘I am not prepared to fill my mind with these thoughts or emotions’
‘I simply do not wish to upset myself with this person’
‘I consciously release these negative thoughts’
Such affirmations would have to also be repeated continuously verbally or mentally until they become assimilated into our network of schemas. We will know that this has happened when, during a traffic altercation, these are the thoughts that come to mind.
Peer pressure
Peer pressure
By Jimmy Henderson (MA Psychology)
Peer pressure can be explained as your child doing something within a group which they would normally not do if he or she was alone. Peer pressure is especially prominent during the teenage years, when teens develop very powerful needs to form their own identity and to be respected and accepted, especially by peers.
These needs, coupled with a fear of social rejection, lend themselves to a teenager being very vulnerable to peer pressure. Sometimes gaining this acceptance means that they feel that have to be part of a social group, usually the ‘in-group’, in which they can find an identity and express their personalities. Unfortunately, these peer groups can sometimes engage in very strange and risky behaviours in which stronger personalities dominate and are very persuasive.
Factors influencing peer pressure.
A number of important factors can increase or moderate the effect of peer pressure. These include the personal characteristics of the teenager, his or her home situation, culture, as well as a series of social and environmental factors.
Personal characteristics such as the maturity, self-image and self esteem of the particular teenager play a great role in peer pressure.
Immaturity is often a characteristic of a child who has lived a sheltered or over-indulgent life and never really mastered the communication or life-skills required for independent thinking and for resisting peer pressure. Immaturity can also result from an unfavourable childhood and family circumstances which could include poverty, family violence, abuse or neglect and can result in teenager with a limited common sense, one who is prone to unthinking actions and a general lack of responsibility, which, coupled with peer pressure, can result in risk behaviour.
Other personal attributes such as obesity, IQ or academic performance can also affect a child’s or teenager’s self-image and self-esteem and make him or her more vulnerable to peer pressure. Self-image can simply be defined as that which teenagers see when they look in the mirror. In other words, that which they believe concerning their attractiveness to others, their capabilities, culture, moral or religious values and their family’s economic status and position in the community. This self-image is very vulnerable and he or she will go to great lengths (including conforming to peer pressure), merely to maintain a positive self-image to his or her social group.
Self-esteem is more concerned more with emotions, the way teenagers feel about themselves, and their sense of self-worth. A low self-esteem, arising from the unfavourable family and social conditions mentioned above, will also make them more vulnerable to peer pressure. In this regard, the role of the media and advertising in fuelling teenage insecurities also cannot be excluded. The feelings of self-worth of teenagers who do not meet the ideals of fashion and appearance portrayed in magazines and films and on television, can be negatively affected, rendering them vulnerable to peer pressure.
Finally, being under the influence of alcohol or drugs at social events such as parties and clubs will also lower teenage inhibitions and their resistance to peer pressure.
Building resilience to peer pressure
As stated, a favourable home environment can play an important role in empowering teenagers to resist peer pressure. These positive factors can include a good relationship with parents or caregivers and a parenting approach which encourages independent thinking, self-discipline and high moral and spiritual values. In other words, if properly guided and disciplined when young, teenagers can be more resilient to peer pressure.
A stable home situation, effective parenting skills and early guidance can also reduce the possibility of unsuitable friends that would exert peer pressure and lead the teen towards risk behavior. Risk behavior can be explained as those actions which could compromise the physical, emotional, social or psychological well-being of the teenager. In other words, actions that are ultimately self-destructive in nature. These behaviours include the abuse of alcohol, drugs, unsafe sexual practices and promiscuity, delinquency, juvenile violence and crime. Even smoking can be considered as dangerous to the health of young people and is therefore classified as risk behaviour.
Finally, a good plan to resist peer pressure should include encouraging the teenager to look in a mirror when feeling pressurized and to ask himself/herself if this is really what they wish to do.
Signs of distress
A warning sign of possible involvement in risk behaviour as the result of peer pressure would be sudden changes in mood and social behaviour. A teenager becoming more secretive and withdrawn suggests possible emotional or psychological distress. If the situation is serious and leading towards teenage depression, he or she will also become lethargic, less socially active and sleep more than usual. A loss of appetite or eating disorders may also be the result of social pressures.
Changes in thinking could also occur, such as a loss of concentration, focus and memory which would affect school performance. Teens in distress would be pre-occupied with negative thoughts and have inaccurate and distorted perceptions of themselves or their circumstances. In worst case scenarios, they could even talk about killing themselves. Parents or caregivers need to cultivate an awareness of the early warning signs of peer pressure, risk behavior and distress and be prepared to call in expert help if the situation is serious.
By Jimmy Henderson (MA Psychology)
Peer pressure can be explained as your child doing something within a group which they would normally not do if he or she was alone. Peer pressure is especially prominent during the teenage years, when teens develop very powerful needs to form their own identity and to be respected and accepted, especially by peers.
These needs, coupled with a fear of social rejection, lend themselves to a teenager being very vulnerable to peer pressure. Sometimes gaining this acceptance means that they feel that have to be part of a social group, usually the ‘in-group’, in which they can find an identity and express their personalities. Unfortunately, these peer groups can sometimes engage in very strange and risky behaviours in which stronger personalities dominate and are very persuasive.
Factors influencing peer pressure.
A number of important factors can increase or moderate the effect of peer pressure. These include the personal characteristics of the teenager, his or her home situation, culture, as well as a series of social and environmental factors.
Personal characteristics such as the maturity, self-image and self esteem of the particular teenager play a great role in peer pressure.
Immaturity is often a characteristic of a child who has lived a sheltered or over-indulgent life and never really mastered the communication or life-skills required for independent thinking and for resisting peer pressure. Immaturity can also result from an unfavourable childhood and family circumstances which could include poverty, family violence, abuse or neglect and can result in teenager with a limited common sense, one who is prone to unthinking actions and a general lack of responsibility, which, coupled with peer pressure, can result in risk behaviour.
Other personal attributes such as obesity, IQ or academic performance can also affect a child’s or teenager’s self-image and self-esteem and make him or her more vulnerable to peer pressure. Self-image can simply be defined as that which teenagers see when they look in the mirror. In other words, that which they believe concerning their attractiveness to others, their capabilities, culture, moral or religious values and their family’s economic status and position in the community. This self-image is very vulnerable and he or she will go to great lengths (including conforming to peer pressure), merely to maintain a positive self-image to his or her social group.
Self-esteem is more concerned more with emotions, the way teenagers feel about themselves, and their sense of self-worth. A low self-esteem, arising from the unfavourable family and social conditions mentioned above, will also make them more vulnerable to peer pressure. In this regard, the role of the media and advertising in fuelling teenage insecurities also cannot be excluded. The feelings of self-worth of teenagers who do not meet the ideals of fashion and appearance portrayed in magazines and films and on television, can be negatively affected, rendering them vulnerable to peer pressure.
Finally, being under the influence of alcohol or drugs at social events such as parties and clubs will also lower teenage inhibitions and their resistance to peer pressure.
Building resilience to peer pressure
As stated, a favourable home environment can play an important role in empowering teenagers to resist peer pressure. These positive factors can include a good relationship with parents or caregivers and a parenting approach which encourages independent thinking, self-discipline and high moral and spiritual values. In other words, if properly guided and disciplined when young, teenagers can be more resilient to peer pressure.
A stable home situation, effective parenting skills and early guidance can also reduce the possibility of unsuitable friends that would exert peer pressure and lead the teen towards risk behavior. Risk behavior can be explained as those actions which could compromise the physical, emotional, social or psychological well-being of the teenager. In other words, actions that are ultimately self-destructive in nature. These behaviours include the abuse of alcohol, drugs, unsafe sexual practices and promiscuity, delinquency, juvenile violence and crime. Even smoking can be considered as dangerous to the health of young people and is therefore classified as risk behaviour.
Finally, a good plan to resist peer pressure should include encouraging the teenager to look in a mirror when feeling pressurized and to ask himself/herself if this is really what they wish to do.
Signs of distress
A warning sign of possible involvement in risk behaviour as the result of peer pressure would be sudden changes in mood and social behaviour. A teenager becoming more secretive and withdrawn suggests possible emotional or psychological distress. If the situation is serious and leading towards teenage depression, he or she will also become lethargic, less socially active and sleep more than usual. A loss of appetite or eating disorders may also be the result of social pressures.
Changes in thinking could also occur, such as a loss of concentration, focus and memory which would affect school performance. Teens in distress would be pre-occupied with negative thoughts and have inaccurate and distorted perceptions of themselves or their circumstances. In worst case scenarios, they could even talk about killing themselves. Parents or caregivers need to cultivate an awareness of the early warning signs of peer pressure, risk behavior and distress and be prepared to call in expert help if the situation is serious.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Guidelines for parents of teenagers
Jimmy Henderson
Introduction
This article is based on established research and points out the kind of problems that typically arise between parents and teenage children. It also offers parents and care-givers some tips on how to deal with difficult teens.
Build an early relationship
It is important to establish a relationship of trust and openness with children long before they reach adolescence. This prior relationship will form the basis for your continued interaction during the teenage years and explains why step-parents may experience difficulties with teenagers they have not known as small children.
Values
As parents we all try to instil good moral and spiritual values in our children. However, these values, which can include guidance on sexual matters, also need to be imparted early on. Unfortunately, with even our best intentions and efforts, we may have to accept that times have changed and that most teenagers would have had some sexual experience before they eventually settle into a long-term relationship or marry. This does not mean that we as parents have failed in our duty, or that we have to accept or even encourage what we regard as bad life-choices, as ultimately the new generation of young adults must take responsibility for their own actions.
Peer pressure
The power of peer pressure relates to the teenager’s need for acceptance and respect by their peers and many of the bizarre changes in behaviour and dress during adolescence are all part of the new self-image. Peer relationships can be beneficial, in that they help the teen to develop social, coping and life-skills. One should therefore not be too prescriptive with regard to these relationships, except in cases where a teenager is at risk of being influenced by those involved in criminal or drug activities within his or her circle of friends.
Once again, the ability of your teenager to resist peer pressure depends heavily on the strength of your early relationship with him or her. This absolutely essential task of building a good relationship of love, trust and respect should begin when your children are young and trusting. Once established, this relationship of trust will carry through the teenage years when their priorities shift to peer and partner relationships (boyfriends or girlfriends) and should enable you to have some influence over their choice of friends. The problem is that this relationship may not have been properly established, and this is why it is so difficult for step-parents to guide a teen who has not known them since early childhood.
Unfortunately, drinking is one of the side-effects of peer pressure, wishing to conform, or simply to appeal ‘cool’ to friends. Like sex, this is one of the issues that need to be discussed and addressed early on before children reach their teens, as it is difficult to monitor once they are out on their own.
The love-hate situation
During adolescence teenagers develop very powerful needs, including the need for more freedom and independence, to be recognised and respected as a person who can make his or her own decisions, and acceptance (especially from peers), but also from parents and other adults. And it is usually when these needs are not recognised or satisfied that they become aggressive and rebellious.
I do not believe that teenagers going through this phase love their parents any less, they are only shifting their needs and priorities towards peer acceptance and being part of the ‘cool crowd’. This is all part of discovering their identity. This is a process of self-discovery in which they are trying to find their place in the social scheme of things and unfortunately, they will challenge rules and limits. In this case, parents can respond by acknowledging these needs and shifting their approach more to one of discussion, guidance and co-operation with regard to rules and limits rather than expecting total and unconditional obedience.
Typical emotional responses
Teens ride a roller coaster of good and bad feelings. If things go well they feel upbeat and if things go awry they can easily become very angry, frustrated and depressed. They have not yet developed the skills to process the ups and downs of everyday life smoothly. This makes them very open to mood swings and they are often ruled by their emotions. It is therefore quite possible that the values and principles with which they have been raised will be challenged and this could result in bad decisions with regard to money, friends and relationships.
Love from actions and support
Teenagers experience love from your acceptance and support. In other words, by exercising reasonableness, patience and providing encouragement and practical assistance as far as possible, including transport and the essentials they need to build up their self-image, self-esteem and confidence, which you can help them through this important phase in their lives.
Your teenager is attempting to build up a self-image of being an independent person and places a high value on privacy, independence and personal space. One practical tip would always be to try to give teenagers their own rooms, which they can personalise and which can become their sanctuary in times of distress.
With my own children when they were teenagers, I found it useful to give them this space and to change my role from being a ‘neurotic and concerned parent’ to one of being a reliable means of support. Always there when needed. Years later, I found that this approach had been appreciated, and the once rebellious teenager became once again a mature and loving individual.
Discipline and interference
As I said earlier, if a relationship of trust and respect with a teenager has been established early, he or she will generally be more open and honest about concerns and feelings, which makes it possible for the parent to play a more meaningful role in giving guidance and direction. However, many teens are not always prepared to share their innermost feelings with their parents and sometimes the secret is timing, knowing when to approach and when to confront on an issue.
Parents should therefore try and pre-empt later problems by re-negotiating rules early in their teens, such as when they turn 13. Teens respond well to positive reinforcement (a reward system) and one can reward them with privileges such as increased pocket-money, later curfews and fashionable clothes with each major birthday (13, 16 and 18).
Possible guidelines
For example, agree on a 10’oclock curfew for 13 year olds provided they are in a group and you, or another parent, provides the transport to and from the venue, such as a mall or movie-house. Sixteen year olds could be allowed out on their own with a 12 o’clock curfew, depending on safety concerns (A girl should preferably be in a group). From 18 onwards there should be very few restrictions on your teenager and you can reward them with their own reliable car if you can afford it. This sort of positive involvement in their lives makes it possible to give guidance without being too invasive or directive.
Once again, parents need to deal with this problem in terms of the age and maturity of the teenager. I believe that from about the age of 16, most teenagers (boys especially), will experiment with alcohol and simply discussing this matter in a mature manner might be the best alterative. Once again, this does not mean that we have to accept, encourage or even condone underage drinking, but understand that it does happen and simply do our best to point out the dangers, especially to teenage girls, who are more vulnerable when drinking.
As I said, teenagers generally do not respond well to instructions or threats, even if they are well-intentioned, and once again my advice would be to remain supportive. In this regard, support should include positive words of encouragement, building up his or her self-esteem by pointing out those attributes which make him or her wonderful and special.
When to intervene
Unfortunately, responsibility and common sense usually only comes later through life experience and it is certainly a stage that all young people have to go through. Once again, take a step back and simply be there with whatever support you can offer. Gain strength from the fact that it is something that all parents have to face.
If your teenager’s behaviour does get out of hand, try and find someone whom he or she respects to talk to him/ her. This may be a teacher, a counsellor or simply a family member with whom he or she has a good relationship.
With regard to actual intervention and interference in their social lives, I believe that the only time parents should comment or intervene is when their behaviour is affecting their school or college work.
Teenage depression
Most teenagers experience mood swings, but there are certain factors and situations which make matters worse and could lead to teenage depression. Children are born with personality traits and physical attributes which make them more or less popular with their peers. And any social rejection they experience will certainly be a factor. Ironically the family itself is another. Research has shown that unreasonable expectations, household conflict, abuse or neglect on the part of parents can only worsen the situation, and this is why effective parenting is so important. Be alert to the warning signs which could suggest teenage depression;
• Withdrawing socially
• A sudden drop in school performance
• Increased moodiness, anger and irritability
• Substance abuse (drugs/alcohol)
• A very low self-esteem and feelings of sadness, unworthiness or hopelessness
• Negative thinking and talking about suicide to friends and family
Some of these behaviours may appear normal for teenagers, but here we are referring to sudden and severe changes in thinking, emotions and actions which are not characteristic of your child. The secret is to remain involved and know what is happening in their lives. Cultivate an awareness which will enable you to recognise these early warning signs and be prepared to call in expert help if your feel that the situation is serious.
Drug problems
Going through their possessions may not be the best method of dealing with the matter of drugs, as this could do serious damage to any existing relationship. There are other means of establishing drug use, such as looking for symptoms.
I already mentioned some of these symptoms as warning signs of the risk behaviour usually associated with teenage depression, such as sudden changes in mood and behaviour. In the case of drugs, this could also be accompanied by hyperactivity or low activity, a loss of contact with reality (being spaced out), changes in sleeping patterns and an associated drop in school performance. In such cases a tough-love approach would be justified, as drug abuse is a serious situation which could lead to imprisonment and even depression and suicide. If there is any suspicion of drug abuse, it should be addressed at an early stage in a calm manner, but followed up with regular checks and even medical tests if necessary. However, parents should also not jump quickly to conclusions regarding drug use, as there may be other reasons for their behaviour.
Jimmy Henderson is a trained trauma counsellor with a master’s degree in psychology. He is also the author of a number of self-help books and articles –see www.jimmyhendersonbooks.com
Jimmy Henderson
Introduction
This article is based on established research and points out the kind of problems that typically arise between parents and teenage children. It also offers parents and care-givers some tips on how to deal with difficult teens.
Build an early relationship
It is important to establish a relationship of trust and openness with children long before they reach adolescence. This prior relationship will form the basis for your continued interaction during the teenage years and explains why step-parents may experience difficulties with teenagers they have not known as small children.
Values
As parents we all try to instil good moral and spiritual values in our children. However, these values, which can include guidance on sexual matters, also need to be imparted early on. Unfortunately, with even our best intentions and efforts, we may have to accept that times have changed and that most teenagers would have had some sexual experience before they eventually settle into a long-term relationship or marry. This does not mean that we as parents have failed in our duty, or that we have to accept or even encourage what we regard as bad life-choices, as ultimately the new generation of young adults must take responsibility for their own actions.
Peer pressure
The power of peer pressure relates to the teenager’s need for acceptance and respect by their peers and many of the bizarre changes in behaviour and dress during adolescence are all part of the new self-image. Peer relationships can be beneficial, in that they help the teen to develop social, coping and life-skills. One should therefore not be too prescriptive with regard to these relationships, except in cases where a teenager is at risk of being influenced by those involved in criminal or drug activities within his or her circle of friends.
Once again, the ability of your teenager to resist peer pressure depends heavily on the strength of your early relationship with him or her. This absolutely essential task of building a good relationship of love, trust and respect should begin when your children are young and trusting. Once established, this relationship of trust will carry through the teenage years when their priorities shift to peer and partner relationships (boyfriends or girlfriends) and should enable you to have some influence over their choice of friends. The problem is that this relationship may not have been properly established, and this is why it is so difficult for step-parents to guide a teen who has not known them since early childhood.
Unfortunately, drinking is one of the side-effects of peer pressure, wishing to conform, or simply to appeal ‘cool’ to friends. Like sex, this is one of the issues that need to be discussed and addressed early on before children reach their teens, as it is difficult to monitor once they are out on their own.
The love-hate situation
During adolescence teenagers develop very powerful needs, including the need for more freedom and independence, to be recognised and respected as a person who can make his or her own decisions, and acceptance (especially from peers), but also from parents and other adults. And it is usually when these needs are not recognised or satisfied that they become aggressive and rebellious.
I do not believe that teenagers going through this phase love their parents any less, they are only shifting their needs and priorities towards peer acceptance and being part of the ‘cool crowd’. This is all part of discovering their identity. This is a process of self-discovery in which they are trying to find their place in the social scheme of things and unfortunately, they will challenge rules and limits. In this case, parents can respond by acknowledging these needs and shifting their approach more to one of discussion, guidance and co-operation with regard to rules and limits rather than expecting total and unconditional obedience.
Typical emotional responses
Teens ride a roller coaster of good and bad feelings. If things go well they feel upbeat and if things go awry they can easily become very angry, frustrated and depressed. They have not yet developed the skills to process the ups and downs of everyday life smoothly. This makes them very open to mood swings and they are often ruled by their emotions. It is therefore quite possible that the values and principles with which they have been raised will be challenged and this could result in bad decisions with regard to money, friends and relationships.
Love from actions and support
Teenagers experience love from your acceptance and support. In other words, by exercising reasonableness, patience and providing encouragement and practical assistance as far as possible, including transport and the essentials they need to build up their self-image, self-esteem and confidence, which you can help them through this important phase in their lives.
Your teenager is attempting to build up a self-image of being an independent person and places a high value on privacy, independence and personal space. One practical tip would always be to try to give teenagers their own rooms, which they can personalise and which can become their sanctuary in times of distress.
With my own children when they were teenagers, I found it useful to give them this space and to change my role from being a ‘neurotic and concerned parent’ to one of being a reliable means of support. Always there when needed. Years later, I found that this approach had been appreciated, and the once rebellious teenager became once again a mature and loving individual.
Discipline and interference
As I said earlier, if a relationship of trust and respect with a teenager has been established early, he or she will generally be more open and honest about concerns and feelings, which makes it possible for the parent to play a more meaningful role in giving guidance and direction. However, many teens are not always prepared to share their innermost feelings with their parents and sometimes the secret is timing, knowing when to approach and when to confront on an issue.
Parents should therefore try and pre-empt later problems by re-negotiating rules early in their teens, such as when they turn 13. Teens respond well to positive reinforcement (a reward system) and one can reward them with privileges such as increased pocket-money, later curfews and fashionable clothes with each major birthday (13, 16 and 18).
Possible guidelines
For example, agree on a 10’oclock curfew for 13 year olds provided they are in a group and you, or another parent, provides the transport to and from the venue, such as a mall or movie-house. Sixteen year olds could be allowed out on their own with a 12 o’clock curfew, depending on safety concerns (A girl should preferably be in a group). From 18 onwards there should be very few restrictions on your teenager and you can reward them with their own reliable car if you can afford it. This sort of positive involvement in their lives makes it possible to give guidance without being too invasive or directive.
Once again, parents need to deal with this problem in terms of the age and maturity of the teenager. I believe that from about the age of 16, most teenagers (boys especially), will experiment with alcohol and simply discussing this matter in a mature manner might be the best alterative. Once again, this does not mean that we have to accept, encourage or even condone underage drinking, but understand that it does happen and simply do our best to point out the dangers, especially to teenage girls, who are more vulnerable when drinking.
As I said, teenagers generally do not respond well to instructions or threats, even if they are well-intentioned, and once again my advice would be to remain supportive. In this regard, support should include positive words of encouragement, building up his or her self-esteem by pointing out those attributes which make him or her wonderful and special.
When to intervene
Unfortunately, responsibility and common sense usually only comes later through life experience and it is certainly a stage that all young people have to go through. Once again, take a step back and simply be there with whatever support you can offer. Gain strength from the fact that it is something that all parents have to face.
If your teenager’s behaviour does get out of hand, try and find someone whom he or she respects to talk to him/ her. This may be a teacher, a counsellor or simply a family member with whom he or she has a good relationship.
With regard to actual intervention and interference in their social lives, I believe that the only time parents should comment or intervene is when their behaviour is affecting their school or college work.
Teenage depression
Most teenagers experience mood swings, but there are certain factors and situations which make matters worse and could lead to teenage depression. Children are born with personality traits and physical attributes which make them more or less popular with their peers. And any social rejection they experience will certainly be a factor. Ironically the family itself is another. Research has shown that unreasonable expectations, household conflict, abuse or neglect on the part of parents can only worsen the situation, and this is why effective parenting is so important. Be alert to the warning signs which could suggest teenage depression;
• Withdrawing socially
• A sudden drop in school performance
• Increased moodiness, anger and irritability
• Substance abuse (drugs/alcohol)
• A very low self-esteem and feelings of sadness, unworthiness or hopelessness
• Negative thinking and talking about suicide to friends and family
Some of these behaviours may appear normal for teenagers, but here we are referring to sudden and severe changes in thinking, emotions and actions which are not characteristic of your child. The secret is to remain involved and know what is happening in their lives. Cultivate an awareness which will enable you to recognise these early warning signs and be prepared to call in expert help if your feel that the situation is serious.
Drug problems
Going through their possessions may not be the best method of dealing with the matter of drugs, as this could do serious damage to any existing relationship. There are other means of establishing drug use, such as looking for symptoms.
I already mentioned some of these symptoms as warning signs of the risk behaviour usually associated with teenage depression, such as sudden changes in mood and behaviour. In the case of drugs, this could also be accompanied by hyperactivity or low activity, a loss of contact with reality (being spaced out), changes in sleeping patterns and an associated drop in school performance. In such cases a tough-love approach would be justified, as drug abuse is a serious situation which could lead to imprisonment and even depression and suicide. If there is any suspicion of drug abuse, it should be addressed at an early stage in a calm manner, but followed up with regular checks and even medical tests if necessary. However, parents should also not jump quickly to conclusions regarding drug use, as there may be other reasons for their behaviour.
Jimmy Henderson is a trained trauma counsellor with a master’s degree in psychology. He is also the author of a number of self-help books and articles –see www.jimmyhendersonbooks.com
Saturday, January 21, 2012
State of mind and longevity
By Jimmy Henderson
‘The challenge is not to manage time, but to manage ourselves.’
Steven Covey
Medical science has shown that stress can result in a variety of illnesses which can reduce one’s life expectancy. In other words, we can rightfully say that a positive and balanced state of mind is important for longevity. This state of mind would be linked to emotional wellness, which can be explained as being able to cope with the normal ups and downs of daily life. Reaching a state of emotional wellness also means that we have dealt with most of the pain and regrets from the past and cleared our consciousness of unhelpful emotions such as anger, fear and resentment.
The following are a number of important guidelines which could be applied in reaching this balanced state of mind and consciousness.
Cultivate a sense of philosophical detachment from matters that are not of immediate concern
Only those situations, thoughts and feelings that are of crucial and immediate importance should receive focus and attention. We should strive to keep our consciousness clear and uncluttered, and this means avoiding unnecessary anxiety over complex political, family or social intrigues and dramas over which we have no real control, such as crime, corruption and other global issues. However, this sense of detachment should always apply only to issues and not to our relationships. In fact, thoughts of love and compassion are very beneficial to our state of mind.
Remain peaceful amidst the storms of life
‘We keep our minds so busy that we fail to hear the passing whispers of angels’
J. Henderson
Keeping our minds clear and peaceful also reduces stress and also creates the space for introspection and insight. An important part of emotional wellness is being able to maintain an inner stillness, balance and control. Eckhart Tolle calls this ‘acceptance’. In this regard, inner peace is not achieved by exercising will-power or by avoiding life’s important challenges, but rather by consciously being able to let go of unwanted thoughts and emotions. The following is an example of a simple meditation exercise which will help to induce a peaceful state of mind:
Sit quietly and comfortably, close your eyes and begin to breathe slowly to a count of one to five. Focus on nothing else but the counting (either aloud or in your mind). Breathe in, 1,2,3,4,5 hold your breath, 1,2,3,4,5 breathe out, 1,2,3,4,5 hold your breath, 1,2,3,4,5 breathe in, 1,2,3,4,5, and so on. Continue with the counting and breathing until your mind is free of all thoughts and completely relaxed and quiet.
.
Staying positive
‘Joy is the dynamic aspect of Being. When the creative power of the universe becomes conscious of itself, it manifests as joy.’
Eckhart Tolle
Emotional and psychological wellness is also related to positive thinking and gratitude. We should begin thinking of ourselves as empowered beings with choices and not as victims of our past circumstances. By focusing on who we really are, and our true purpose in life, other issues will become insignificant. We should also continually strive to experience joy and constantly express our gratitude and enthusiasm. The following are a few positive affirmations that will help in this regard:
‘Thank you for the joy of self-awareness’
‘Thank you for the joy of being alive’
Focus on the present
A healthy state of mind can also be maintained by a change of focus from the pain of the past to a real experience of the present. This means being willing to forgive and let go of old emotional or psychological baggage. Being ‘present’ (or mindful) in any situation also results in a sense of wonder and moments of magic, such as stopping to admire the sweet scent or beauty of a single flower.
Keep physically active
Physical exercise has been shown to contribute to one’s general health, counter the effects of aging, as well as to improve one’s state of mind. Yoga and tai chi are particularly suitable for more mature persons, being comprised of physical movements and exercises that improve balance, breathing and body tone, as well as producing feelings of well-being.
References :
Barlow, D.H.& Durand, V.M. (2002). Abnormal psychology: An integrated approach. (3rd ed.). Belmont: Wadsworth/Thompson Learning.
Henderson, J.P. (2010). Multi-dimensional Perception. Journeys into different dimensions of reality. Cape Town, South Africa: Kima Global.
Tolle, Eckhart. (2005). A New Earth. USA: Plume books.
Jimmy Henderson is a well-known metaphysical teacher, counsellor and radio talk show guest from South Africa. He is the author of many articles as well as two self-help books working with the power of the mind entitled ‘Multi-Dimensional Thinking’ and ‘Multi-Dimensional Perception’ which are available from Amazon.com. His website is www.jimmyhendersonbooks.com
By Jimmy Henderson
‘The challenge is not to manage time, but to manage ourselves.’
Steven Covey
Medical science has shown that stress can result in a variety of illnesses which can reduce one’s life expectancy. In other words, we can rightfully say that a positive and balanced state of mind is important for longevity. This state of mind would be linked to emotional wellness, which can be explained as being able to cope with the normal ups and downs of daily life. Reaching a state of emotional wellness also means that we have dealt with most of the pain and regrets from the past and cleared our consciousness of unhelpful emotions such as anger, fear and resentment.
The following are a number of important guidelines which could be applied in reaching this balanced state of mind and consciousness.
Cultivate a sense of philosophical detachment from matters that are not of immediate concern
Only those situations, thoughts and feelings that are of crucial and immediate importance should receive focus and attention. We should strive to keep our consciousness clear and uncluttered, and this means avoiding unnecessary anxiety over complex political, family or social intrigues and dramas over which we have no real control, such as crime, corruption and other global issues. However, this sense of detachment should always apply only to issues and not to our relationships. In fact, thoughts of love and compassion are very beneficial to our state of mind.
Remain peaceful amidst the storms of life
‘We keep our minds so busy that we fail to hear the passing whispers of angels’
J. Henderson
Keeping our minds clear and peaceful also reduces stress and also creates the space for introspection and insight. An important part of emotional wellness is being able to maintain an inner stillness, balance and control. Eckhart Tolle calls this ‘acceptance’. In this regard, inner peace is not achieved by exercising will-power or by avoiding life’s important challenges, but rather by consciously being able to let go of unwanted thoughts and emotions. The following is an example of a simple meditation exercise which will help to induce a peaceful state of mind:
Sit quietly and comfortably, close your eyes and begin to breathe slowly to a count of one to five. Focus on nothing else but the counting (either aloud or in your mind). Breathe in, 1,2,3,4,5 hold your breath, 1,2,3,4,5 breathe out, 1,2,3,4,5 hold your breath, 1,2,3,4,5 breathe in, 1,2,3,4,5, and so on. Continue with the counting and breathing until your mind is free of all thoughts and completely relaxed and quiet.
.
Staying positive
‘Joy is the dynamic aspect of Being. When the creative power of the universe becomes conscious of itself, it manifests as joy.’
Eckhart Tolle
Emotional and psychological wellness is also related to positive thinking and gratitude. We should begin thinking of ourselves as empowered beings with choices and not as victims of our past circumstances. By focusing on who we really are, and our true purpose in life, other issues will become insignificant. We should also continually strive to experience joy and constantly express our gratitude and enthusiasm. The following are a few positive affirmations that will help in this regard:
‘Thank you for the joy of self-awareness’
‘Thank you for the joy of being alive’
Focus on the present
A healthy state of mind can also be maintained by a change of focus from the pain of the past to a real experience of the present. This means being willing to forgive and let go of old emotional or psychological baggage. Being ‘present’ (or mindful) in any situation also results in a sense of wonder and moments of magic, such as stopping to admire the sweet scent or beauty of a single flower.
Keep physically active
Physical exercise has been shown to contribute to one’s general health, counter the effects of aging, as well as to improve one’s state of mind. Yoga and tai chi are particularly suitable for more mature persons, being comprised of physical movements and exercises that improve balance, breathing and body tone, as well as producing feelings of well-being.
References :
Barlow, D.H.& Durand, V.M. (2002). Abnormal psychology: An integrated approach. (3rd ed.). Belmont: Wadsworth/Thompson Learning.
Henderson, J.P. (2010). Multi-dimensional Perception. Journeys into different dimensions of reality. Cape Town, South Africa: Kima Global.
Tolle, Eckhart. (2005). A New Earth. USA: Plume books.
Jimmy Henderson is a well-known metaphysical teacher, counsellor and radio talk show guest from South Africa. He is the author of many articles as well as two self-help books working with the power of the mind entitled ‘Multi-Dimensional Thinking’ and ‘Multi-Dimensional Perception’ which are available from Amazon.com. His website is www.jimmyhendersonbooks.com
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