Guidelines for parents of teenagers
Jimmy Henderson

Introduction
This article is based on established research and points out the kind of problems that typically arise between parents and teenage children. It also offers parents and care-givers some tips on how to deal with difficult teens.

Build an early relationship
It is important to establish a relationship of trust and openness with children long before they reach adolescence. This prior relationship will form the basis for your continued interaction during the teenage years and explains why step-parents may experience difficulties with teenagers they have not known as small children.

Values
As parents we all try to instil good moral and spiritual values in our children. However, these values, which can include guidance on sexual matters, also need to be imparted early on. Unfortunately, with even our best intentions and efforts, we may have to accept that times have changed and that most teenagers would have had some sexual experience before they eventually settle into a long-term relationship or marry. This does not mean that we as parents have failed in our duty, or that we have to accept or even encourage what we regard as bad life-choices, as ultimately the new generation of young adults must take responsibility for their own actions.

Peer pressure
The power of peer pressure relates to the teenager’s need for acceptance and respect by their peers and many of the bizarre changes in behaviour and dress during adolescence are all part of the new self-image. Peer relationships can be beneficial, in that they help the teen to develop social, coping and life-skills. One should therefore not be too prescriptive with regard to these relationships, except in cases where a teenager is at risk of being influenced by those involved in criminal or drug activities within his or her circle of friends.

Once again, the ability of your teenager to resist peer pressure depends heavily on the strength of your early relationship with him or her. This absolutely essential task of building a good relationship of love, trust and respect should begin when your children are young and trusting. Once established, this relationship of trust will carry through the teenage years when their priorities shift to peer and partner relationships (boyfriends or girlfriends) and should enable you to have some influence over their choice of friends. The problem is that this relationship may not have been properly established, and this is why it is so difficult for step-parents to guide a teen who has not known them since early childhood.

Unfortunately, drinking is one of the side-effects of peer pressure, wishing to conform, or simply to appeal ‘cool’ to friends. Like sex, this is one of the issues that need to be discussed and addressed early on before children reach their teens, as it is difficult to monitor once they are out on their own.
The love-hate situation
During adolescence teenagers develop very powerful needs, including the need for more freedom and independence, to be recognised and respected as a person who can make his or her own decisions, and acceptance (especially from peers), but also from parents and other adults. And it is usually when these needs are not recognised or satisfied that they become aggressive and rebellious.

I do not believe that teenagers going through this phase love their parents any less, they are only shifting their needs and priorities towards peer acceptance and being part of the ‘cool crowd’. This is all part of discovering their identity. This is a process of self-discovery in which they are trying to find their place in the social scheme of things and unfortunately, they will challenge rules and limits. In this case, parents can respond by acknowledging these needs and shifting their approach more to one of discussion, guidance and co-operation with regard to rules and limits rather than expecting total and unconditional obedience.

Typical emotional responses
Teens ride a roller coaster of good and bad feelings. If things go well they feel upbeat and if things go awry they can easily become very angry, frustrated and depressed. They have not yet developed the skills to process the ups and downs of everyday life smoothly. This makes them very open to mood swings and they are often ruled by their emotions. It is therefore quite possible that the values and principles with which they have been raised will be challenged and this could result in bad decisions with regard to money, friends and relationships.

Love from actions and support

Teenagers experience love from your acceptance and support. In other words, by exercising reasonableness, patience and providing encouragement and practical assistance as far as possible, including transport and the essentials they need to build up their self-image, self-esteem and confidence, which you can help them through this important phase in their lives.

Your teenager is attempting to build up a self-image of being an independent person and places a high value on privacy, independence and personal space. One practical tip would always be to try to give teenagers their own rooms, which they can personalise and which can become their sanctuary in times of distress.

With my own children when they were teenagers, I found it useful to give them this space and to change my role from being a ‘neurotic and concerned parent’ to one of being a reliable means of support. Always there when needed. Years later, I found that this approach had been appreciated, and the once rebellious teenager became once again a mature and loving individual.

Discipline and interference

As I said earlier, if a relationship of trust and respect with a teenager has been established early, he or she will generally be more open and honest about concerns and feelings, which makes it possible for the parent to play a more meaningful role in giving guidance and direction. However, many teens are not always prepared to share their innermost feelings with their parents and sometimes the secret is timing, knowing when to approach and when to confront on an issue.

Parents should therefore try and pre-empt later problems by re-negotiating rules early in their teens, such as when they turn 13. Teens respond well to positive reinforcement (a reward system) and one can reward them with privileges such as increased pocket-money, later curfews and fashionable clothes with each major birthday (13, 16 and 18).

Possible guidelines
For example, agree on a 10’oclock curfew for 13 year olds provided they are in a group and you, or another parent, provides the transport to and from the venue, such as a mall or movie-house. Sixteen year olds could be allowed out on their own with a 12 o’clock curfew, depending on safety concerns (A girl should preferably be in a group). From 18 onwards there should be very few restrictions on your teenager and you can reward them with their own reliable car if you can afford it. This sort of positive involvement in their lives makes it possible to give guidance without being too invasive or directive.

Once again, parents need to deal with this problem in terms of the age and maturity of the teenager. I believe that from about the age of 16, most teenagers (boys especially), will experiment with alcohol and simply discussing this matter in a mature manner might be the best alterative. Once again, this does not mean that we have to accept, encourage or even condone underage drinking, but understand that it does happen and simply do our best to point out the dangers, especially to teenage girls, who are more vulnerable when drinking.

As I said, teenagers generally do not respond well to instructions or threats, even if they are well-intentioned, and once again my advice would be to remain supportive. In this regard, support should include positive words of encouragement, building up his or her self-esteem by pointing out those attributes which make him or her wonderful and special.

When to intervene
Unfortunately, responsibility and common sense usually only comes later through life experience and it is certainly a stage that all young people have to go through. Once again, take a step back and simply be there with whatever support you can offer. Gain strength from the fact that it is something that all parents have to face.

If your teenager’s behaviour does get out of hand, try and find someone whom he or she respects to talk to him/ her. This may be a teacher, a counsellor or simply a family member with whom he or she has a good relationship.

With regard to actual intervention and interference in their social lives, I believe that the only time parents should comment or intervene is when their behaviour is affecting their school or college work.



Teenage depression

Most teenagers experience mood swings, but there are certain factors and situations which make matters worse and could lead to teenage depression. Children are born with personality traits and physical attributes which make them more or less popular with their peers. And any social rejection they experience will certainly be a factor. Ironically the family itself is another. Research has shown that unreasonable expectations, household conflict, abuse or neglect on the part of parents can only worsen the situation, and this is why effective parenting is so important. Be alert to the warning signs which could suggest teenage depression;
• Withdrawing socially
• A sudden drop in school performance
• Increased moodiness, anger and irritability
• Substance abuse (drugs/alcohol)
• A very low self-esteem and feelings of sadness, unworthiness or hopelessness
• Negative thinking and talking about suicide to friends and family

Some of these behaviours may appear normal for teenagers, but here we are referring to sudden and severe changes in thinking, emotions and actions which are not characteristic of your child. The secret is to remain involved and know what is happening in their lives. Cultivate an awareness which will enable you to recognise these early warning signs and be prepared to call in expert help if your feel that the situation is serious.

Drug problems
Going through their possessions may not be the best method of dealing with the matter of drugs, as this could do serious damage to any existing relationship. There are other means of establishing drug use, such as looking for symptoms.

I already mentioned some of these symptoms as warning signs of the risk behaviour usually associated with teenage depression, such as sudden changes in mood and behaviour. In the case of drugs, this could also be accompanied by hyperactivity or low activity, a loss of contact with reality (being spaced out), changes in sleeping patterns and an associated drop in school performance. In such cases a tough-love approach would be justified, as drug abuse is a serious situation which could lead to imprisonment and even depression and suicide. If there is any suspicion of drug abuse, it should be addressed at an early stage in a calm manner, but followed up with regular checks and even medical tests if necessary. However, parents should also not jump quickly to conclusions regarding drug use, as there may be other reasons for their behaviour.

Jimmy Henderson is a trained trauma counsellor with a master’s degree in psychology. He is also the author of a number of self-help books and articles –see www.jimmyhendersonbooks.com