additional articles

Non-verbal communication

A B C method

A = Awareness .
The idea of self awareness is discussed.
• Role of conditioning (habitual ways of thinking and behaving)
• Closure of minds to stressful stimuli (crowds, noise )
• Awareness required during counselling.
• Be aware of changes taking place in client’s state of mind and emotions.
Process
• Focus using peripheral vision.
• Look for smallest changes in reactions or state during counselling (cues) process. All changes have a special meaning .(demonstrate)
• Also focus intently on what is being said or implied.
• Group situation -look for ‘group dynamics’.(discuss)

B = Body Language
• Using body language to identify changes in emotional reactions and psychological states.
• Incongruencies between what is bring said what body language is revealing.
( deception (games) or subconscious self-deception) Good for challenging.
General laws (demonstrate)
• One cannot read an isolated gesture and summarily reach a conclusion on a client's emotional or psychological state. (Look at context- what caused the sudden change? (reaction to area of resistence or blockage)
• Subconscious messages occur in body language "clusters" .
Need to look for the correct combination of bodily and facial reactions.
• All parts of the body are involved in a subconscious message.
(need to read client’s body language holistically)
• Discomfort of client could due be external factors
(invasion of personal space, heat, cold , noise or lack of privacy )
Personal space - adjust counselling distance. (demonstrate)

Reading different aspects of Body Language
• Body posture (openness or closure)
Closure of the body by means of arms or legs is a defensive behaviour.
( threat or discomfort due to counsellor uncovering a sensitive area.)
Demonstration
• Body orientation
Way in which client’s body is facing (towards or away from counsellor)
Pulling away or withdrawal.
(Orientation away also indicates defensive behaviours -discomfort, distrust,
stubbornness or unwillingness.)
Demonstration
• Bodily tension
Tenseness indicates emotions ( fear, anger, anxiety ).
(Revealed by restlessness, wringing hands, shuffling feet, clenched fists)
Short quick breaths also indicate a high level of tension and anxiety.
Demonstration
• Facial expression
(Indicates specific emotions. Identify as either positive or negative.)
Positive emotion indicated by smiling, raised eyebrows and dilated pupils.
Negative emotion opposite. Face droops, frowns or grimaces.
Tension and anxiety can result in avoiding eye contact or rapid eye movement.
Unique combination of facial contractions associated with each emotion.
Specific emotion = unique combination of facial contractions, body tension
and body movements
Demonstration
Demonstrate happiness, pain, fear, confusion, boredom.
• Voice
. Quiver" in voice indicates strong emotion.
Higher tone indicates more emotion is present
‘Gasp’ or sudden short breath indicates blockage or area of resistence
Demonstration

C= Consider their viewpoint
• Need to be aware of non verbal messages we are sending to client.
(See ourselves from the client’s point of view).
• Same rules of body language, such as body tone, openness/closure, orientation, voice and facial expression apply to counsellor
• Self- questioning
‘Am I sending a clear signal to the client that I am interested in him or her?
Does my body language suggest empathy, interest, focus and attention?
Do I appear defensive or open?

Demonstration
Three volunteers -recall different memories
One think of happy event
One think of sad event
One think of angry event
Others watch change taking place in body language and facial expression and try to identify emotions.


Personal growth
Introduction
Welcome
Poem : COME TO THE EDGE : (Appolonious)

"Come to the edge ", he said
and I said " I am afraid"
"Come to the edge" he said
and I said " I am AFRAID"
"COME TO THE EDGE ", he said
and I came
and he pushed me
and I FLEW


Exercise 1. Ice breaker
It is important that we KNOW WHY we are here before we start . For this reason each person needs to introduce himself/herself and speak briefly about their interests and their families and state what they EXPECT TO GET out of the course (Our MOTIVE and our PURPOSE ) .

Exercise 2 HOW DO WE THINK
In order to understand how OTHER people think , feel and behave ,it is essential that we first improve our knowledge of who WE are , and how WE ourselves behave and function . In other words, we need to understand OURSELVES and how our mind works first.
JOHARI'S WINDOW
Johari's window is a theoretical model that explains how the different areas of our MIND or CONSCIOUSNESS function. It is useful to use Johari's Window to improve our self understanding..
JOHARI'S WINDOW ( transparency)
Sharing , risking ,opening up

FREE/OPEN

known to self & others
HIDDEN Known to self
Not revealed to others

BLIND
Known by others Unknown by self
UNKNOWN
Not known to self or others (subconscious)
Feedback Revelation
Johari's window shows 4 areas that occur in our mind or consciousness.

FREE AND OPEN AREA :
The first is our FREE and OPEN area which includes those aspects of our personality which everyone can SEE in our behaviour , for instance , whether we are reserved or outgoing , calm or nervous , friendly or aggressive . It is also the area of our lives that we do not mind sharing with other people , in other words , memories , feelings and experiences that we are not ashamed of revealing . We could say that this is the normal everyday "social" part of our interaction with other persons .
BLIND AREA :
This is the area of our mind and thinking that other people can see but that we ourselves , are "blind" to and are not aware of . This normally includes problems in our personality such as being selfish , aggressive or domineering or our real abilities. (other people can see our real skills and abilities easier than we ourselves can because we are not OBJECTIVE ). Hidden in this area are also our bad habits , our stress levels and even some of the good points in our personality and character which we are not aware of .
The only way we have insight into this area is by means of "FEEDBACK ", which is when someone else tells you what they are seeing or "reading" in your behaviour . One can give and receive good and negative feedback , but if we are going to improve our human skills , we will need to make more use of GOOD feedback and keep our negative judgements and comments on other persons to ourselves , or for the time that the person asks us for an honest opinion . We will discuss the role of FEEDBACK in greater depth under COMMUNICATION SKILLS .
HIDDEN AREA :
This is the part of our mind where we hide all our SECRETS , the things that we know about ourselves , but are not willing to share with other people . This includes some of our own FEELINGS about ourselves (our self image and self esteem ) , weak aspects of our personality that we know about but do not wish to reveal , our real NEEDS (what we need from other people , such as relationships or respect and acceptance) , our dreams , fantasies and our FEARS , such as guilt , anxieties and negative THOUGHTS about ourselves (lack of confidence) . The only way that other persons will have insight into this area of our minds is when WE ourselves choose to reveal it to them by means of "SELF DISCLOSURE ". Opening up to other people often requires courage , especially if we do not know or trust them that well . This is called "RISKING" ourselves , as we could very well be laughed at if we revealed something important to the other person and they did not take it seriously . WE know that this ridicule is possible and can be very PAINFUL and for this reason we fear revealing ourselves to people whom we do not TRUST .
This is a normal fear , but we can learn to trust other people and find that in sharing deeper parts of ourselves with others we can actually improve our relationships with them .
This SHARING is important in building human relationships .We do , however , have to be realistic as well , and SELF DISCLOSURE has to be appropriate to the time and place and persons involved , we would not , for instance , get much support or interest if we were to share some of our inner desires or sensitive feelings at a drunken party with a group of strangers . Self disclosure needs to be appropriate or we will attract rejection or disappointment . Part of learning human skills is to know WHEN self disclosure is appropriate and develop the self confidence to learn to OPEN UP to other people who care for us and learn to TRUST again . It may very well happen that the other person REJECTS us or reveals our secrets to others , opening us up to ridicule , but becoming MATURE in human skills means to be able to cope with a few such bad experiences in life and STILL have enough trust and faith in other people to continue to " RISK" in spite of it all .

UNKNOWN AREA
This is the area of our subconscious mind . Even we ourselves are not fully aware of some of our thoughts or desires that are in this area. This can include unpleasant childhood memories , bad habits in our behaviour towards other people which we do not understand , bad habits in our thinking and painful images from the past which we have suppressed or tried to forget . Problems in this area of our minds can often be brought out by counselling or psychiatric care , but sometimes we can "feel" certain things , DREAM using images from our subconscious mind or something can happen in our lives which brings about a REVELATION . This area is very powerful and affects much of our behaviour . We can , however , learn to accept such knowledge that comes to us in a positive way to gain a better understanding of ourselves and have more control over our behaviour towards other people .

o Exercise 2 Self-knowledge - Getting to know yourself
• Write down the following question and complete the following statements. Try not to think too much before you write.
• ‘Who am I?’
 I am ……………………….
 I see myself as ……………. and ……………..
 I feel ………….about myself because………………….
 I am the kind of person who ……………………....
 My values are …..
 My talents are ……
 My needs are ……………..
• Reflect briefly on what you have written. Are there any surprises?
• Do you think you really know yourself ?
Any thoughts or realisations should be recorded in your journal. More advanced exercises on self-insight will follow at a later stage.



Exercise 3 Personality

When I’m alone I feel .......................................................................................................................
.......................................................................................................................
I get really angry at someone when .....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
I feel guilty when I ................................................................................................................
.......................................................................................................................
I feel happy when /if ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
I feel sad when ......................................................................................................................
.......................................................................................................................
The purpose of this exercise is to put course goers briefly in touch with their emotions by thinking and talking about emotional incidents they have experienced.
Exercise 4 Prejudice
You are a passenger on an aeroplane which is going to crash . The pilot has asked you to hand out the parachutes . You discover there are only 9 parachutes for you and eleven other passengers . (twelve in all ) YOU need to decide which 3 persons will not be given a parachute and will therefore die.
Amongst the passengers are the following persons :
An alcoholic A convicted child abuser
A millionaire A well known politician
A terminally ill woman A school teacher
A convicted rapist A retarded 2 year old child
A drug addict A prostitute
A lesbian A minister of religion

Write down your choice of 3 persons who will, and will not be given parachutes in your order of preference , in other words , those who least deserve to live should be listed first , and give your reasons .
FURTHER INFORMATION :
The alcoholic is your father
The convicted child abuser served his time many years ago and is now a talented surgeon .
The millionaire made his money by exploiting the underprivileged .
The politician is fleeing his country due to charges of genocide .
The terminally ill woman is a Nobel prize winner .
The school teacher is fleeing the law after stealing departmental funds.
The convicted rapist is now working and helping aids victims .
The retarded 2 year old child is your own .
The drug addict is your brother
The prostitute has 3 small children and is the sole breadwinner.
The lesbian is your sister
The minister of religion is a child abuser .

Self-esteem
Your self esteem is all about the way you feel about yourself and how much you actually believe in yourself. Similar to your self-image, it is continually influenced by ‘self-talk’ and this can make you feel either satisfied or dissatisfied and happy or unhappy, as you measure yourself against other people or your own ideals. It is also affected by what others say and how they behave towards you. For example, do your ‘friends’ and acquaintances make you feel accepted or rejected?
Once again, confidence is related to having a high self esteem (…). This is important, because your self-esteem is closely allied to your self image and will affect your thoughts and actions when you judge yourself or interact with others. If you do not believe in yourself and your abilities, this will affect your relationships, decisions and achievements (…). The negative thoughts associated with having a low self-esteem can also make you very unhappy, frustrated and angry. This in turn, can make you an unpleasant person and will also affect your relationships.
To explain the importance of self-esteem further, I want you to imagine yourself as a little oyster. You have grown up in a big scary sea full of powerful and dangerous creatures who appear unfriendly and you feel very small, insecure and insignificant in comparison to them. However, you have a secret which makes you very special. You have the ability to cultivate within yourself, one of the most valuable and sought after treasures in the world, a beautiful white pearl. This is the pearl of your consciousness and connection with your inner being. And as you grow, the pearl within you becomes larger and more beautiful and valuable, until eventually you open your shell to reveal its beauty and power.
The meaning of this metaphor is important, as it points to the universal idea that as human beings, we are all special, in that we are growing, changing and becoming something more than we are today. There is therefore no reason to feel insignificant in comparison to others, as one day you too, will open your shell to reveal your treasure and true nature.
o
Exercise 5 Building your self-esteem
There are a number of things you can do to improve your self-esteem.

• Develop your personality
Once again, you can build your confidence by acquiring new skills, attending
courses in personal growth or participating in sports and other activities.

• Understand and accept yourself
Strive to increase your self–awareness by reading books and articles on
personal growth and development. Maintain realistic expectations about
yourself.
Remember the story of the little oyster. You are still growing and do not have to be perfect. There are people who love you just as you are. Recognise and emphasise your positive and unique qualities. In this regard, once again use your journal to list and reflect on what you believe are your good qualities.

• Mix with people that are positive and uplifting
Unfortunately, there will always be people who will try to break you down. This is often done to cover up their own feelings of inadequacy (…). If you are in such a relationship, you may need to consider whether it is really worthwhile. And if you are concerned with your personal development, it is important to be prepared to make changes to your social situation if so required and avoid those who do not appreciate or inspire you to be your best.

• Challenge and change your negative feelings
You can also identify and directly challenge and release negative feelings relating to your self-esteem. This skill was already described in chapter two.
• Finally, complete the following statement:
‘I am a beautiful person because …………………………
Reflect on what you have written and let that be your inspiration for the
future.