Poems
by Jimmy Henderson
To my wife
I am free spirit
you are fully human
I am activity , air and ideals
and you are the mother of true humanity, the earth.
We need to be both
and that is why in becoming one ,
we are the completion of true being.
2. The Knowledge
I stood there in the joy of knowing
and she passed me by
this little black woman, small with age.
Yet as she passed I smiled
and she smiled.
She knew that I knew
and no word was said.
Words would have been inadequate,
two souls had spoken instead.
3. On human suffering
We hear the cry of the children
and seek meaning in the will of God.
It is better to look to the will of men.
Let the father of the child look to his choice,
made without the need of his God
or look to the decision of he, who without God’s will
has sought to trust his own judgement
and whose weakness now touches all.
4. Sentiments on the hunt
I sadden when I think of the creatures, although but a few,
that had to die until the time that I knew
that their lives were not mine to cause to suffer,
nor to pain
but Nature’s children under Nature’s reign
better left to Nature’s law and predator’s paw
to die nobly,
than to die for human vain.
5. Old soldiers never die.
I saw the excitement in his old eyes as he saw my uniform
and for a few seconds
were reflected the memories of the glory of victories won
and the sorrow of comrades fallen.
I should have known from his bearing that he was an old soldier
and I regret having not saluted him then.
6. Alexandra ( a modern Romeo and Juliet)
(Based on the violence between the ANC and IFP in Alexandra in1992)
Oh Alexandra !,
what should have been a flame of hope
has been consumed by the flames of despair.
Like two lovers who wish to be together,
no force on earth can keep them apart.
But their dance is one of death and destruction
and not of love.
7. The pain of growth
Nature appears perfect, but it is not so.
If things were perfect,
they would not need to grow.
If all was complete, they would not need to evolve
and human beings would have no riddles to solve.
Our world is imperfect and full of pain.
It must be so, if we are to find gains
in real understanding of the way things are
and still find peace in that which remains.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Ethics, morality and Truth
by Jimmy Henderson
In introducing ethics I wish to provide you with a practical exercise in will -power, for it is our will power as well as our belief in what is right that underlies the keeping of an ethical code and ethical behaviour . If our will power is weak, our resolve is eventually eroded and we are open to manipulation and peer pressure.
In the following week I want you to stand at each robot crossing that you normally cross in your daily walks or affairs and first note how many people jay walk or sneak across before the light is green .
Secondly, I want each of you to make a conscious effort not to walk until the green light has come on and if it changes, not to attempt to sneak across quickly before vehicles approach . This is a small thing but you will be surprised how difficult it is to resist the temptation to cross when so many others are doing it, or when you have to wait a long time for the green light to come on. Make the effort for a week and note the changes in your mental attitude and willpower.
Discussion
Attitudes and values a framework of ethical principles
Apart from having to use our will power, ethics involves having a framework of what we regard as "right" or "good" behaviours. We are therefore continually judging and measuring ourselves against our ideal ethical framework . If we do not live up to this ideal, we normally experience guilt. This emotion of guilt, like pain, is an indication or sign that we have not acted according to our ethical standards.
Our will power comes into play by having to make decisions which we know will not be to our immediate benefit, or may even cause us to lose privileges in order to stick to our principles, which are, in fact, our framework of ethical ideals.
The problem is, of course, that different people have different principles or ethical standards and some have none at all.
Discussion
Our ethical framework normally arises from our home background, past experiences and spiritual, religious or moral beliefs or attitudes. A framework of ethics, attitudes and values normally link together and form part of our personality. As I have stated, people's priorities may differ, but generally a good ethical framework contains all or some of the following attitudes and values :
A sense of responsibility
Responsibility is one of the cornerstones of ethics. This involves acting responsibly towards our family, friends , employer or even strangers, in that our behaviour should not harm or endanger them in any way. A sense of responsibility links up many other ethical behaviours into a ethical framework. Once we accept a personal ethical framework, we also have a moral and ethical responsibility to abide by the rules we have accepted.
A sense of justice or fairness
This is also a cornerstone of an ethical framework. To this we can add reasonableness, which we have already discussed earlier on.
Integrity
Integrity is actually a virtue but it links up with ethics in that if we accept our ethical responsibility, we will act with integrity at all times. Integrity implies that we will always strive to abide by our highest ethical values and this could include keeping our word or a promise no matter what the cost to ourselves.
Honesty
Honesty is essential for any relationship and is based on our commitment to be fair, open and responsible. Honesty does not only mean not becoming involved in dishonest activities such as stealing, cheating etc. Linked to honesty are associated values of openness, sincerity, genuineness and trustworthiness.
Loyalty
This is also related to relationships and a sense of commitment. The stronger the relationship and commitment initially made, the deeper should be our sense of loyalty. Loyalty means being willing to make sacrifices in order to acknowledge our commitment.
Unselfishness : A willingness to express care , concern and warmth.
Having an ethical framework implies a positive step on the part of any person and such a framework will generally include altruistic values and behaviours such charity and helpfulness.. However, some people can be cold and distant and still adhere to a strict ethical code. (usually professional or business ethics)
Non-judgmental and unconditional positive regard.
These attitudes are of a very high order and often not easy to maintain in any ethical framework. It means being able to tolerate, accept and treat all other people with fairness and respect in spite of differences in social position, culture, beliefs, lifestyle or value systems. This does, however, not imply that we adopt a laissaiz faire attitude towards criminality or gross violations of moral behaviour.
Commitment
Having made any commitment to another person, whether as the result of a relationship or business agreement, implies a responsibility towards him or her as well as a sense of loyalty. Commitment means abiding by our ethical rules as well as being prepared to "stick to our guns " and our decision in spite of problems. Our will power is most sorely tried in having to keep our commitments. A commitment is closely associated with a relationship . Having a relationship implies that our partners or friends are sharing their lives, feelings and thoughts with us and we should acknowledge that with a commitment on our part. When we agree to enter into any relationship, we form an emotional bond or agreement with, or commitment to the other person which automatically implies trust, respect and confidentiality.
Discussion
Ethical dilemmas
An ethical dilemma occurs when we are forced to make a decision which will test our ethical framework. In this case there is usually a conflict between two or more ethical values which apply to the particular situation and we have to choose between these values. This is especially difficult when there appears to be a no win situation. In other words, no matter what decision we make, someone is going to get hurt.
When facing an ethical dilemma, we need to explore and "unpack " the situation with all of the associated problems and implications in order to make an ethical evaluation. This requires clear thinking. However, our emotions, in the form of attitudes and values, obviously also play a role. ( Hopefully a positive role. )
Very often there may be no obvious solution present and we will be moving into "grey" areas where "right" and "wrong" are not so easy to define. In cases such as this, it becomes a matter of our individual conscience and if we are prepared to pay the price associated with a certain decision, such as the loss of a friendship or promotion .
The ethical toolbox
The kind of ethical "tools" or considerations we may use to make an evaluation when faced with an ethical dilemma are the following :
The ethical values involved : Which of our ethical values come to mind in this dilemma ( eg. confidentiality , loyalty etc ) and how important do we rate these particular values ? (In other words, are there more overriding values or factors involved ? )
The motives involved : Did the situation arise as the result of a selfish motive, personal gain, or not ? Are the people involved sincere but possibly deluded?
The Intention : Did the situation arise intentionally or is it incidental or accidental ? What is the degree of deception or self deception ?
The effects of the action or decision : Is the effect on others harmful or incidental, immediate, ongoing, in the past or a future possibility? Has it a serious or a minor effect? Does it affect people or only principles ?
Consent : Was there adult consent or was someone manipulated or coerced into this situation ? Is the "victim" able to control the situation or is he or she powerless and defenceless ? (child)
Repentance: Are the person(s) involved repentant ? Is the action or situation one of a kind ? Will it be repeated ?
If you examine the framework it will be seen that we are trying to determine the level of culpability and accountability of the persons involved as well as the seriousness of the situation. We also have to consider the idea of error versus limitation.
Error
To say a person made an error generally implies that he or she either consciously or unconsciously chose to act or behave in a way judged to be unacceptable or wrong. To be able to choose at all implies that the person had some knowledge of the options open to him or her and merely chose the "wrong" one for his or her own reasons. This implies further that he or she will have to accept responsibility for the decision and the choice and is therefore accountable.
Limitation
But what of the case of the person who for reasons not under his or her control is unable to make a correct decision? For instance, he or she may be young, inexperienced or was deceived or misled by someone else into an action which he or she did not fully understand. It may also be the case that he or she is simply not emotionally or psychologically mature enough to make a decision on that level or to realise the implications of his or her actions. What also of the person who is forced into an action against his or her will ?
Examples of this would be the young child who draws on a newly painted wall with a crayon, a young unmarried mother of 13 pressured to have an abortion, the tribesman on some remote island who has never been in contact with civilisation and attacks visitors to the island out of ignorance and fear.
Can we really judge him or her as harshly as we would judge ourselves, who know better ? Are these cases not so much a question of right or wrong behaviour but rather one of his or her behaviour being limited by a lack of insight, understanding or control over his or her life which would render him or her less accountable than persons with full knowledge of the results or implications of their actions?
The implications of this is that we are usually more tolerant and less critical of a child, the intellectually challenged or the dis-empowered person who has had few real chances in life.
Discussion
Group discussions
Examples of ethical dilemmas
Participants are invited to enter into small groups of about four or five members and discuss these dilemmas . A spokesman is to be elected to feed back the information to the class .
Group 1 - Scenario # 1. Confidentiality
A friend or family member comes to us in confidence for advice and they tell us they have committed a crime.
Do we inform the authorities or do we keep quiet because of our friendship, family ties and ethical commitment to confidentiality ?
Group 1 feedback
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Evaluation
There is always a temptation to speak about our experiences, partners or family problems to others . Our ethical values of confidentiality and responsibility demand that this temptation should be avoided. A relationship implies trust, which involves not discussing their intimate details publically. Yet we also have an obligation to the law as well a moral obligation to others who are, or may become victims of this friend at a later stage.
( An obligation also implies commitment and responsibility )
Bearing in mind our ethical "toolbox" , a pragmatic solution would be to look at the effects of the crime, is it serious and harmful? Is it a crime against a person or against a legal framework (tax evasion)? Is it in the past, or ongoing (such as child abuse )? Is it likely to happen again ? Is our friend repentant or bragging? Will it serve a real purpose by our reporting it (apart from a legal obligation )?
At the end of the day it is your decision according to your own conscience or ethical framework that will determine your action. Some people could rather choose to adhere to their values, such as confidentiality or friendship. However, we need to ask the question whether our ethical ideals of confidentiality and friendship have morally more value than the continued suffering of a human being which we could have prevented.
Group 2 - Scenario # 2. Role conflict
We are a supervisor in a company. One of the junior workers is a personal friend of ours . This worker has been absent from work frequently, supposedly because of a lingering illness. During one of his personal visits to our home he informs us that he is, in fact, quite healthy and has been using up his sick leave instead of having to take vacation leave to attend to things at home.
Group 2 feedback
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Evaluation
We are in an ethical dilemma. Do we look to the interests of our company and report the matter, in which case our friend will in all likelihood be fired? What of our long standing friendship with this person? Do we not have certain ethical responsibilities towards him as the result of this relationship?
Once again we refer to our ethical "toolbox" .
The ethical values involved are confidentiality and loyalty to our friend versus our integrity and responsibility towards the company .
Our friend's motive is personal gain, to accumulate his leave and therefore could even be seen as fraud.
His intention: He consciously made the decision to use his sick leave knowing full well that it could lead to his dismissal. However, on the other hand, the effect of his deed is not directly harmful to others and even the company is not losing profits as he is using sick leave credited to him . It is thus the principle of deceit that is involved.
It is not stated whether the friend was repentant or not and this appears to be the key issue here. If he is confessing as the result of guilt, and on being confronted on the issue, is prepared to take a warning to heart and not repeat the action, it is likely that we could regard the matter as finalised. If , however , his attitude is boastful and it is clear that he intends to continue with this deceit, the problem would have to be addressed in a different way.
If we decide that ethically we cannot stand by while this continues, but still wish to maintain our long standing relationship, we would probably need to look at a series of steps beginning with soft options such as off the record verbal warnings. If this does not have the desired result, we could later follow it up with a written warning due to the company's "suspicions". )
Discussion : Would there be other ways of dealing with this ethical dilemma?
Group 3 - Scenario # 3. Sexual harassment
We are a senior partner in a large business . An unattached subordinate at work is clearly indicating that he or she is physically attracted to us and wishes to enter into a sexual relationship. We are also unattached and attracted to them but we realise that an intimate relationship with this person will affect our working relationship. Do we agree to the relationship or do we reject the advances of this worker?
Is there a problem here ?
Group 3 feedback
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Evaluation
As both persons are unattached, many of the ethical "tools" would not apply in this scenario apart from our responsibility towards the company in not creating a situation which leads to a breakdown in staff processes. If one of the persons are married, obviously a number of other ethical values would then come into play.
Current workers rights indicate that the company cannot really interfere in the after- hours private lives of workers and so provided the relationship does not affect the work situation, ethically the only limits we need to consider, provided we are consenting and not being coerced or harassed, are in terms of our feelings towards this person and our common sense appraisal of whether we feel this relationship has any future. It would become more of an ethical issue if we did not play open cards with this person and make our position clear (either for or against the relationship ) as it could become harmful to his or her emotional state as well as our own.
This concludes our discussion on ethics. Are there any other comments?
Morality
Morality is very closely related to ethics and can be described as our sense of “right” or “wrong”.
In order to act according to our conscience, we need to have a clear set of moral guidelines with which to make decisions regarding acceptable or unacceptable human behaviour. If we are not sure how we feel about real-life day to day moral issues, we will not be able to make decisions when it is necessary. We need to know what is our bottom line and how far we are prepared to go on an issue and what action we are prepared to take.
A moral decision is complex and never straightforward, as it involves people with different motives, agendas, perspectives and belief systems.
Religious people relate morality to their sacred scriptures and really don't have much of a problem. Good and bad, right and wrong are embodied in their scriptures as commandments. If we act or behave in such a way that we are obedient to the will of God as directed in these scriptures, we would therefore be seen in a religious sense, to be behaving in a good or right way.
Many persons, however, do not accept religious values as a basis for morality. It is still possible to have a system of human morality, ethics, rights and ideal behaviour based on principles of mutual respect, fairness or justice, as exists in a legal Constitution or Bill of Rights. This would mean morality consists of striving for an ideal relationship between people where each person would treat the other in a way which they themselves would wish to be treated. In other words, to treat them as people, to respect them as equals and not to abuse or misuse them. In this case “right” or “good” actions would improve our relationships and behaviour which troubles the social fabric of the group or community would be regarded as “wrong” and “bad”.
Discussion
The difficulties faced
We have indicated the difficulties that may be experienced when facing complex moral issues or decisions in our lives. We can never really be sure of a person’s motive, personal agenda or perspective. Some people may not even be fully aware of their own insincerity, due to self-deception.
The power of Perspective
Much also depends on from which side of the fence we are looking. To illustrate this point, I will use an example which I call the Twin-films phenomenon. Let us think back to some of the many war films that appear on our movie screens, films about World War two, the Vietnam war, the conflict in Ireland and even the Anglo Boer war (Breaker Morant ). These films are always produced from a particular perspective. One side being indicated as the heroes (usually from the country that produced the film ) and the other side portrayed as a villain. We identify and sympathise with the “heroes” because we experience and share their trials and tribulations in the film from their perspective. However, if we have ever been exposed to a film about the same war produced in a different country, we may find that the war takes on an entirely different perspective and may even find ourselves, for the period of the film anyway, identifying, siding and sympathising with the other side, whose perspective is now being shared with us.
This is the power of Perspective, that once we become emotionally involved in an issue and share often painful experiences with a group or a cause, we tend to identify with this group or cause. If we understand this principle, we will be able to understand how people can have different views on an issue such as the Trade-centre attack in the USA.
Discussion
Ethics, morality and truth
The fable of the elephant and the blind men
If understanding can be said to be relative to our perspective what then is the truth of any matter? Who is “right” and who is “wrong”?
Selective perception
Each human being has a very unique perspective on life. This perspective is linked to culture, religion and society in which he or she has been raised. (conditioning). This is reflected in the life view or frame of reference comprising of personal preferences, attitudes, values and cherished beliefs and acts like a filter, the end result being a very selective perception or interpretation of events and experiences in which we view things single-dimensionally, that is, only as they relate to us personally What is therefore immoral for us, may not be seen as immoral for another person in terms of his or her perception of right and wrong.
Discussion - Do we agree with this ?
Can we ever find an objective view of what is right or wrong?
A pragmatic view of right and wrong
An objective perspective on morality, good and bad behaviour and right and wrong choices, can be inferred directly from our own real life experience. All persons feel emotional pain as a result of either been hurt or having injured someone else.(guilt). This pain can also be experienced from a decision or action which destroyed something within us such as our self esteem , peace of mind or a sense of purpose in life.
If we accept this principle, a right or good decision or action would be one which does not injure oneself or others or does not destroy something important in our lives or the lives of others. In other words, the decision or action is constructive and positive for physical, emotional, intellectual and even spiritual growth. A bad or wrong decision or action would therefore be one that was destructive to the physical, emotional, psychological or spiritual well being of oneself or another person. This could also be extended to include the well being of another living entity, such as an animal.
Absolute truth or absolute “right” can only be reflected in eternal ideal principles, some of which we come to know in human virtues such as love, patience, tolerance, compassion and integrity, as exist within a framework of ethics.
All other human activities, actions and issues are therefore relative to our framework of ethics (motive, intention, effects or consequences, consent and repentance) and are judged accordingly. For example ; How close were we to the ideal of unconditional love when we performed this or that action? Did we perform it out of love or is there another (often hidden) motive?
Conclusion- Final discussion
Jimmy Henderson
by Jimmy Henderson
In introducing ethics I wish to provide you with a practical exercise in will -power, for it is our will power as well as our belief in what is right that underlies the keeping of an ethical code and ethical behaviour . If our will power is weak, our resolve is eventually eroded and we are open to manipulation and peer pressure.
In the following week I want you to stand at each robot crossing that you normally cross in your daily walks or affairs and first note how many people jay walk or sneak across before the light is green .
Secondly, I want each of you to make a conscious effort not to walk until the green light has come on and if it changes, not to attempt to sneak across quickly before vehicles approach . This is a small thing but you will be surprised how difficult it is to resist the temptation to cross when so many others are doing it, or when you have to wait a long time for the green light to come on. Make the effort for a week and note the changes in your mental attitude and willpower.
Discussion
Attitudes and values a framework of ethical principles
Apart from having to use our will power, ethics involves having a framework of what we regard as "right" or "good" behaviours. We are therefore continually judging and measuring ourselves against our ideal ethical framework . If we do not live up to this ideal, we normally experience guilt. This emotion of guilt, like pain, is an indication or sign that we have not acted according to our ethical standards.
Our will power comes into play by having to make decisions which we know will not be to our immediate benefit, or may even cause us to lose privileges in order to stick to our principles, which are, in fact, our framework of ethical ideals.
The problem is, of course, that different people have different principles or ethical standards and some have none at all.
Discussion
Our ethical framework normally arises from our home background, past experiences and spiritual, religious or moral beliefs or attitudes. A framework of ethics, attitudes and values normally link together and form part of our personality. As I have stated, people's priorities may differ, but generally a good ethical framework contains all or some of the following attitudes and values :
A sense of responsibility
Responsibility is one of the cornerstones of ethics. This involves acting responsibly towards our family, friends , employer or even strangers, in that our behaviour should not harm or endanger them in any way. A sense of responsibility links up many other ethical behaviours into a ethical framework. Once we accept a personal ethical framework, we also have a moral and ethical responsibility to abide by the rules we have accepted.
A sense of justice or fairness
This is also a cornerstone of an ethical framework. To this we can add reasonableness, which we have already discussed earlier on.
Integrity
Integrity is actually a virtue but it links up with ethics in that if we accept our ethical responsibility, we will act with integrity at all times. Integrity implies that we will always strive to abide by our highest ethical values and this could include keeping our word or a promise no matter what the cost to ourselves.
Honesty
Honesty is essential for any relationship and is based on our commitment to be fair, open and responsible. Honesty does not only mean not becoming involved in dishonest activities such as stealing, cheating etc. Linked to honesty are associated values of openness, sincerity, genuineness and trustworthiness.
Loyalty
This is also related to relationships and a sense of commitment. The stronger the relationship and commitment initially made, the deeper should be our sense of loyalty. Loyalty means being willing to make sacrifices in order to acknowledge our commitment.
Unselfishness : A willingness to express care , concern and warmth.
Having an ethical framework implies a positive step on the part of any person and such a framework will generally include altruistic values and behaviours such charity and helpfulness.. However, some people can be cold and distant and still adhere to a strict ethical code. (usually professional or business ethics)
Non-judgmental and unconditional positive regard.
These attitudes are of a very high order and often not easy to maintain in any ethical framework. It means being able to tolerate, accept and treat all other people with fairness and respect in spite of differences in social position, culture, beliefs, lifestyle or value systems. This does, however, not imply that we adopt a laissaiz faire attitude towards criminality or gross violations of moral behaviour.
Commitment
Having made any commitment to another person, whether as the result of a relationship or business agreement, implies a responsibility towards him or her as well as a sense of loyalty. Commitment means abiding by our ethical rules as well as being prepared to "stick to our guns " and our decision in spite of problems. Our will power is most sorely tried in having to keep our commitments. A commitment is closely associated with a relationship . Having a relationship implies that our partners or friends are sharing their lives, feelings and thoughts with us and we should acknowledge that with a commitment on our part. When we agree to enter into any relationship, we form an emotional bond or agreement with, or commitment to the other person which automatically implies trust, respect and confidentiality.
Discussion
Ethical dilemmas
An ethical dilemma occurs when we are forced to make a decision which will test our ethical framework. In this case there is usually a conflict between two or more ethical values which apply to the particular situation and we have to choose between these values. This is especially difficult when there appears to be a no win situation. In other words, no matter what decision we make, someone is going to get hurt.
When facing an ethical dilemma, we need to explore and "unpack " the situation with all of the associated problems and implications in order to make an ethical evaluation. This requires clear thinking. However, our emotions, in the form of attitudes and values, obviously also play a role. ( Hopefully a positive role. )
Very often there may be no obvious solution present and we will be moving into "grey" areas where "right" and "wrong" are not so easy to define. In cases such as this, it becomes a matter of our individual conscience and if we are prepared to pay the price associated with a certain decision, such as the loss of a friendship or promotion .
The ethical toolbox
The kind of ethical "tools" or considerations we may use to make an evaluation when faced with an ethical dilemma are the following :
The ethical values involved : Which of our ethical values come to mind in this dilemma ( eg. confidentiality , loyalty etc ) and how important do we rate these particular values ? (In other words, are there more overriding values or factors involved ? )
The motives involved : Did the situation arise as the result of a selfish motive, personal gain, or not ? Are the people involved sincere but possibly deluded?
The Intention : Did the situation arise intentionally or is it incidental or accidental ? What is the degree of deception or self deception ?
The effects of the action or decision : Is the effect on others harmful or incidental, immediate, ongoing, in the past or a future possibility? Has it a serious or a minor effect? Does it affect people or only principles ?
Consent : Was there adult consent or was someone manipulated or coerced into this situation ? Is the "victim" able to control the situation or is he or she powerless and defenceless ? (child)
Repentance: Are the person(s) involved repentant ? Is the action or situation one of a kind ? Will it be repeated ?
If you examine the framework it will be seen that we are trying to determine the level of culpability and accountability of the persons involved as well as the seriousness of the situation. We also have to consider the idea of error versus limitation.
Error
To say a person made an error generally implies that he or she either consciously or unconsciously chose to act or behave in a way judged to be unacceptable or wrong. To be able to choose at all implies that the person had some knowledge of the options open to him or her and merely chose the "wrong" one for his or her own reasons. This implies further that he or she will have to accept responsibility for the decision and the choice and is therefore accountable.
Limitation
But what of the case of the person who for reasons not under his or her control is unable to make a correct decision? For instance, he or she may be young, inexperienced or was deceived or misled by someone else into an action which he or she did not fully understand. It may also be the case that he or she is simply not emotionally or psychologically mature enough to make a decision on that level or to realise the implications of his or her actions. What also of the person who is forced into an action against his or her will ?
Examples of this would be the young child who draws on a newly painted wall with a crayon, a young unmarried mother of 13 pressured to have an abortion, the tribesman on some remote island who has never been in contact with civilisation and attacks visitors to the island out of ignorance and fear.
Can we really judge him or her as harshly as we would judge ourselves, who know better ? Are these cases not so much a question of right or wrong behaviour but rather one of his or her behaviour being limited by a lack of insight, understanding or control over his or her life which would render him or her less accountable than persons with full knowledge of the results or implications of their actions?
The implications of this is that we are usually more tolerant and less critical of a child, the intellectually challenged or the dis-empowered person who has had few real chances in life.
Discussion
Group discussions
Examples of ethical dilemmas
Participants are invited to enter into small groups of about four or five members and discuss these dilemmas . A spokesman is to be elected to feed back the information to the class .
Group 1 - Scenario # 1. Confidentiality
A friend or family member comes to us in confidence for advice and they tell us they have committed a crime.
Do we inform the authorities or do we keep quiet because of our friendship, family ties and ethical commitment to confidentiality ?
Group 1 feedback
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......................................................................................................................................
......................................................................................................................................
Evaluation
There is always a temptation to speak about our experiences, partners or family problems to others . Our ethical values of confidentiality and responsibility demand that this temptation should be avoided. A relationship implies trust, which involves not discussing their intimate details publically. Yet we also have an obligation to the law as well a moral obligation to others who are, or may become victims of this friend at a later stage.
( An obligation also implies commitment and responsibility )
Bearing in mind our ethical "toolbox" , a pragmatic solution would be to look at the effects of the crime, is it serious and harmful? Is it a crime against a person or against a legal framework (tax evasion)? Is it in the past, or ongoing (such as child abuse )? Is it likely to happen again ? Is our friend repentant or bragging? Will it serve a real purpose by our reporting it (apart from a legal obligation )?
At the end of the day it is your decision according to your own conscience or ethical framework that will determine your action. Some people could rather choose to adhere to their values, such as confidentiality or friendship. However, we need to ask the question whether our ethical ideals of confidentiality and friendship have morally more value than the continued suffering of a human being which we could have prevented.
Group 2 - Scenario # 2. Role conflict
We are a supervisor in a company. One of the junior workers is a personal friend of ours . This worker has been absent from work frequently, supposedly because of a lingering illness. During one of his personal visits to our home he informs us that he is, in fact, quite healthy and has been using up his sick leave instead of having to take vacation leave to attend to things at home.
Group 2 feedback
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Evaluation
We are in an ethical dilemma. Do we look to the interests of our company and report the matter, in which case our friend will in all likelihood be fired? What of our long standing friendship with this person? Do we not have certain ethical responsibilities towards him as the result of this relationship?
Once again we refer to our ethical "toolbox" .
The ethical values involved are confidentiality and loyalty to our friend versus our integrity and responsibility towards the company .
Our friend's motive is personal gain, to accumulate his leave and therefore could even be seen as fraud.
His intention: He consciously made the decision to use his sick leave knowing full well that it could lead to his dismissal. However, on the other hand, the effect of his deed is not directly harmful to others and even the company is not losing profits as he is using sick leave credited to him . It is thus the principle of deceit that is involved.
It is not stated whether the friend was repentant or not and this appears to be the key issue here. If he is confessing as the result of guilt, and on being confronted on the issue, is prepared to take a warning to heart and not repeat the action, it is likely that we could regard the matter as finalised. If , however , his attitude is boastful and it is clear that he intends to continue with this deceit, the problem would have to be addressed in a different way.
If we decide that ethically we cannot stand by while this continues, but still wish to maintain our long standing relationship, we would probably need to look at a series of steps beginning with soft options such as off the record verbal warnings. If this does not have the desired result, we could later follow it up with a written warning due to the company's "suspicions". )
Discussion : Would there be other ways of dealing with this ethical dilemma?
Group 3 - Scenario # 3. Sexual harassment
We are a senior partner in a large business . An unattached subordinate at work is clearly indicating that he or she is physically attracted to us and wishes to enter into a sexual relationship. We are also unattached and attracted to them but we realise that an intimate relationship with this person will affect our working relationship. Do we agree to the relationship or do we reject the advances of this worker?
Is there a problem here ?
Group 3 feedback
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Evaluation
As both persons are unattached, many of the ethical "tools" would not apply in this scenario apart from our responsibility towards the company in not creating a situation which leads to a breakdown in staff processes. If one of the persons are married, obviously a number of other ethical values would then come into play.
Current workers rights indicate that the company cannot really interfere in the after- hours private lives of workers and so provided the relationship does not affect the work situation, ethically the only limits we need to consider, provided we are consenting and not being coerced or harassed, are in terms of our feelings towards this person and our common sense appraisal of whether we feel this relationship has any future. It would become more of an ethical issue if we did not play open cards with this person and make our position clear (either for or against the relationship ) as it could become harmful to his or her emotional state as well as our own.
This concludes our discussion on ethics. Are there any other comments?
Morality
Morality is very closely related to ethics and can be described as our sense of “right” or “wrong”.
In order to act according to our conscience, we need to have a clear set of moral guidelines with which to make decisions regarding acceptable or unacceptable human behaviour. If we are not sure how we feel about real-life day to day moral issues, we will not be able to make decisions when it is necessary. We need to know what is our bottom line and how far we are prepared to go on an issue and what action we are prepared to take.
A moral decision is complex and never straightforward, as it involves people with different motives, agendas, perspectives and belief systems.
Religious people relate morality to their sacred scriptures and really don't have much of a problem. Good and bad, right and wrong are embodied in their scriptures as commandments. If we act or behave in such a way that we are obedient to the will of God as directed in these scriptures, we would therefore be seen in a religious sense, to be behaving in a good or right way.
Many persons, however, do not accept religious values as a basis for morality. It is still possible to have a system of human morality, ethics, rights and ideal behaviour based on principles of mutual respect, fairness or justice, as exists in a legal Constitution or Bill of Rights. This would mean morality consists of striving for an ideal relationship between people where each person would treat the other in a way which they themselves would wish to be treated. In other words, to treat them as people, to respect them as equals and not to abuse or misuse them. In this case “right” or “good” actions would improve our relationships and behaviour which troubles the social fabric of the group or community would be regarded as “wrong” and “bad”.
Discussion
The difficulties faced
We have indicated the difficulties that may be experienced when facing complex moral issues or decisions in our lives. We can never really be sure of a person’s motive, personal agenda or perspective. Some people may not even be fully aware of their own insincerity, due to self-deception.
The power of Perspective
Much also depends on from which side of the fence we are looking. To illustrate this point, I will use an example which I call the Twin-films phenomenon. Let us think back to some of the many war films that appear on our movie screens, films about World War two, the Vietnam war, the conflict in Ireland and even the Anglo Boer war (Breaker Morant ). These films are always produced from a particular perspective. One side being indicated as the heroes (usually from the country that produced the film ) and the other side portrayed as a villain. We identify and sympathise with the “heroes” because we experience and share their trials and tribulations in the film from their perspective. However, if we have ever been exposed to a film about the same war produced in a different country, we may find that the war takes on an entirely different perspective and may even find ourselves, for the period of the film anyway, identifying, siding and sympathising with the other side, whose perspective is now being shared with us.
This is the power of Perspective, that once we become emotionally involved in an issue and share often painful experiences with a group or a cause, we tend to identify with this group or cause. If we understand this principle, we will be able to understand how people can have different views on an issue such as the Trade-centre attack in the USA.
Discussion
Ethics, morality and truth
The fable of the elephant and the blind men
If understanding can be said to be relative to our perspective what then is the truth of any matter? Who is “right” and who is “wrong”?
Selective perception
Each human being has a very unique perspective on life. This perspective is linked to culture, religion and society in which he or she has been raised. (conditioning). This is reflected in the life view or frame of reference comprising of personal preferences, attitudes, values and cherished beliefs and acts like a filter, the end result being a very selective perception or interpretation of events and experiences in which we view things single-dimensionally, that is, only as they relate to us personally What is therefore immoral for us, may not be seen as immoral for another person in terms of his or her perception of right and wrong.
Discussion - Do we agree with this ?
Can we ever find an objective view of what is right or wrong?
A pragmatic view of right and wrong
An objective perspective on morality, good and bad behaviour and right and wrong choices, can be inferred directly from our own real life experience. All persons feel emotional pain as a result of either been hurt or having injured someone else.(guilt). This pain can also be experienced from a decision or action which destroyed something within us such as our self esteem , peace of mind or a sense of purpose in life.
If we accept this principle, a right or good decision or action would be one which does not injure oneself or others or does not destroy something important in our lives or the lives of others. In other words, the decision or action is constructive and positive for physical, emotional, intellectual and even spiritual growth. A bad or wrong decision or action would therefore be one that was destructive to the physical, emotional, psychological or spiritual well being of oneself or another person. This could also be extended to include the well being of another living entity, such as an animal.
Absolute truth or absolute “right” can only be reflected in eternal ideal principles, some of which we come to know in human virtues such as love, patience, tolerance, compassion and integrity, as exist within a framework of ethics.
All other human activities, actions and issues are therefore relative to our framework of ethics (motive, intention, effects or consequences, consent and repentance) and are judged accordingly. For example ; How close were we to the ideal of unconditional love when we performed this or that action? Did we perform it out of love or is there another (often hidden) motive?
Conclusion- Final discussion
Jimmy Henderson
HIV/AIDS
by Jimmy Henderson
Q 1. What is Hiv and Aids?
HIV = Human Imunno Deficiency Virus (discovered in 1984) (germs)
AIDS = Acquired Immuno –Deficiency syndrome (first described in 1981)
(syndrome- a name given to a group of symptoms )
HI virus belongs to a family of viruses called the Retrovirus
Infects the CD+ 4 cells which control the human immune system (see transparency).
The immune system is the bodies natural defences against infections and disease.
It comprises of the skin, (outer protection), white blood cells, antibodies and macrophages –scavenger cells)
The HIV invades, enters and multiplies within these CD+ 4 cells and destroys them.(see transparency)
By invading these cells, the HIV infects and eventually destroys the entire body's natural immune system, which is the system which helps our body to fight infection.
When the immune system is weakened by the HIV, the body is no longer able to defend itself and is open to opportunistic infections such as flu, tuberculosis (T.B.), pneumonia and cancers.
The amount of HIV in the body (viral load) can be controlled to a degree by means of special medications called Anti-retrovirals and the immune system can be strengthened by natural means such as exercise and diet.
The infected person can therefore live for many years after infection, provided he
or she has the correct medication and can maintain a strong immune system.
There are people living with HIV for over 15 years.
However, without intervention , HIV infection can worsen into the severe form of immunological weakness known as Aids. (Acute Immune-Deficiency Syndrome)
We will deal with the symptoms and progression of AIDS a little later.
Q .2 How is HIV transmitted?
HIV is transmitted with the transfer of body fluids, mostly blood and blood products and semen.
It is not transmitted through the air by coughing or touching
Specific ways of becoming infected
Unprotected sexual intercourse
Penetrative vaginal, oral or anal sex without a condom.
75 85% of HIV infection is as the result of unprotected sexual intercourse.
The HIV enters the walls of the genitals through small cuts and scrapes.
Gets into the bloodstream.
Mother to child transmission
25 35% of all infants born to Hiv+ mothers become infected.
This type of transmission accounts for 90% of the global infection of infants and children.
Children who develop HIV usually contract it during childbirth in the uterus from the placenta (blood and scrapes) or from the breast milk (blood product).
Drug abuse
The sharing of Hiv infected injection needles and blades accounts for between 5 and 10 % of all adult infections.
It is also advisable NOT to share razors or toothbrushes because of the possible presence of blood on them.
Blood transfusions or direct contact with infected blood (open wounds)
Infected blood or blood products accounts for 3 5% of all global adult infections.
If blood from the wound of an HIV + person enters your skin (sores, cuts scrapes)
South Africa has introduced routine screening of donated blood for HIV.
Q3 What are the real risk factors ?
High risk sexual behaviours (prostitutes, multiple partners, casual sex)
Drug users -sharing of infected needles and syringes.
Women are more at risk because of the relatively large amount of semen transmitted from the man during intercourse.
HIV is also more likely to be transmitted through intercourse when one or both partners have a sexually transmitted disease (STDS) such as syphilis due to sores, tiny cuts or scrapes.
HIV can also be passed on between persons through open wounds.
It is therefore important that emergency workers use rubber gloves when working with injured and bleeding patients.
Q 4 What are the Myths surrounding HIV?
You cannot get HIV from kissing under normal circumstances
Kissing is regarded as safe, provided there is no blood in the mouths due to cuts.
There is a very slim chance of HIV being transmitted by saliva or insect bites as the amount of infectious particles in saliva and bites is too low for a "loading dose".
Saliva also contains proteins which may neutralise the virus to an extent.
You cannot get HIV from touching an HIV + person.
It is therefore quite safe to associate with and care for persons with HIV/Aids as long as you do not come into direct contact with infected blood and you have an open wound (the skin protects you).
It cannot be spread by a toilet seat, shaking hands, hugging or touching or using the same towels, cups or utensils
Blood or semen is not infectious if out of the body for a while.
The HIV loses its effectivity if outside the human body even for a short period and does therefore not appear to be transmitted by social or casual non sexual contact.
Washing does not protect you
You are not safe from HIV if you wash after sex. It is transmitted internally
through the genitals.
Having sex with a virgin will not protect you or cure AIDS.
There is no known cure for AIDS at this time. It can only be controlled with medication.
Q.5 How can we prevent infection?
The best long term strategy is education, knowing your status, and applying the governments A-B-C method.
A = Abstinence
Having a lifestyle which includes abstaining from sex.
B = Be faithful to a single partner (Be open and honest)
(don’t sleep around)
C = Condomise
All persons , especially women, should be educated in their right to say
NO or demand the use of a condom, even within marriage.
(demonstrate male and female condom)
Q. 6 What are the Symptoms of HIV infection?
It is possible to have HIV and NOT show any visible signs of illness.
Symptoms can take months and even years to develop.
The symptoms could also belong to other illnesses (TB, Flu etc)
The HIV test is the only way to really know if you are infected.
There is a "window period" of up to three months before the HIV may be positively detected in the body (HIV antibodies) (see transparency)
This delay can result in a person not being aware that they have contracted the HIV until symptoms appear.
This is why it is so important to get tested early and regularly.
A significant number of individuals can, however, produce antibodies within one to two weeks after infection and produce an illness similar to glandular fever
The estimated incubation period of the virus varies from 5 months to 10 years.
During this time the virus gradually destroys the CD + 4 cells and the bodies immune system and symptoms begin to appear.
The gradual loss of the immune system is measured by the CD + 4 count (see transparency)
As the viral load increases, the CD + 4 count will drop. (see transparency)
One can live for many years with HIV with the proper treatment.
However, the overwhelming majority of people infected with HIV do eventually develop Aids.
Aids will eventually lead to death.
How long this takes will vary from person to person. It is important therefore for high risk individuals to have themselves tested regularly in order to obtain treatment as soon as possible.
Q.7 What is AIDS ?
Doctors have a list of so called "Aids defining conditions".
These are serious medical conditions such as severe respiratory infections, coughing, diarrhoea, bowel infections, weakness, weight loss, nausea, vomiting, brain infections (mental deterioration), cancers, and visible skin infections.
When the CD+ 4 count of an HIV+ person drops to below 200 and he /she develops these Stage 5 illnesses (see transparency), they are said to have AIDS.
This is said to be the last stage (5) of HIV ( see transparency)
The lower the count, the more advanced the disease (see transparency)
Eventually death results from sicknesses such as TB and pneumonia to which the body now has no defence (6 months -2 years).
Q.8 What is VCT ? ( Voluntary testing and counselling)
In terms of the Labour regulations and Basic Conditions of Employment Act, companies have an obligation to provide support to workers with HIV and AIDS.
Many companies have clinics on site and Wellness programmes in place to support those with HIV/AIDS
If not, they should provide arrangements for workers to get to test centres or preferably tested on site by companies who are registered to do this.
These clinics can also provide testing for HIV
A worker cannot be forced to go for an HIV test (it is voluntary) (informed consent)
Prior to the test, the worker must be offered counselling. (To prepare them psychologically and emotionally) (Pre-test counselling)
THE HIV TEST
The test can only be performed by a registered professional, nurse, sister etc.
The test is very quick and involves only taking a drop of blood and placing it on the test strip (see transparency on Rapid Test)
The blood will reveal the presence of HIV antibodies (sero-conversion)
If the results are negative, the person will be tested later in a few months (Window Period)
If the tests are positive, more blood will be taken to ensure that the rapid test was correct.
The sister / nurse is obliged by law to keep the results confidential.
The results can only be released to a third party with the workers written permission.
Counselling must be made available to the worker following the test results (Post-Test counselling)
Q.9 What treatment is available?
HIV cannot be cured as yet but its effects can be controlled with certain types of medication.
The type of medication is based on the results of a Viral load test.(how much HIV)
Types of medication
Anti-retrovirals which work against a retrovirus. Prevent it replicating.
Drugs involved include AZT, ddl , ddC and 3TC.
Usually these medicines are combined for the best effect ("cocktails").
Different strains of HIV require different combinations.
The medication AZT reduces the risk of infection by 79% (pregnant women)
HIV mutates easily and can form different strains, making it difficult to develop a really effective vaccine.
Tests can be conducted every 3 6 months to determine how well the patient is responding to treatment.
Remember HIV+ persons can be cured of most associated conditions such as TB, pneumonia and infections, although NOT of HIV itself
Persons with HIV can go on to lead normal productive lives for many years (15 years)
Others in an advanced stage of full blown Aids have substantially less chance of long term survival .
This is why it is so important to know your status and get treatment early.
Other medications
Other types of medications are available to treat the effects of Hiv or Aids.
To keep the immune system as healthy as possible (Vit.boosters, B12 injections etc) .
Other drugs work to prevent or treat the opportunistic infections or symptoms, such as loss of appetite, weight loss, nausea etc.
HIV symptoms differ from person to person and some type of medications work better on some patients.
Others may develop a tolerance for certain medications and may have to change regularly.
Aids medication is normally costly, but at present some pharmaceutical manufacturers are prepared to supply certain drugs free of charge to clinics and provincial hospitals.
Diet
It is believed that a special diet, exercise and a reduction of stress can slow down the onset of AIDS.
Q. 10 What is the best way to care for people with HIV/Aids?
Home or community care of the Aids patient is part of the official management plan of the Dept. of Health, due to lack of resources, overcrowding at state hospitals and the high cost of hospitalisation and treatment (medications).
Use of out-patients and clinics.
Home care -from a social viewpoint of family emotional support and care, this also makes the most sense.
Wellness programmes at companies
Usually involves sister/nurse at company
VCT testing and counselling facilities.
EAP counsellors.
Monitoring HIV + workers who are on the program.
Assist with monitoring of CD+ 4 count, transport to clinic, seek free medication for workers
Provide guidelines on diet and booster medications.
May provide anti-retrovirals if registered to do so.
Follow-up on families and needs.
The psychological and social needs of a person with Aids is similar to those of persons with other life threatening diseases such as cancer, heart disease etc.
They need to be shown love, understanding, re assurance and support.
Q. 11 Why do I need to know my status?
Reasons : Why people do not wish to know status
Fear of death –denial (better not to know) (less painful)
Fear of rejection - It is a fact that many people do fear contact
with a HIV + person and can reject him or her.
Fear of victimisation at work – This cannot really happen in terms
of the Constitution (no discrimination) and the Labour
Relations Act (unfair labour practices).
Confidentiality
At present it is NOT compulsory for a victim to declare their status
Or for medical practitioners to report cases of HIV/ Aids
(Company clinic sisters usually only supply statistics to management)
Health care workers or managers can get into legal problems if they breach
confidentiality.
The worker has to give written permission for their status to be made known.
Reasons why should know status.
Can access the company wellness programmes and gain assistance.
Can get medication early on and prolong their life
Can reduce the spread of HIV to partners by taking extra precautions
It is also difficult to plan help to victims of HIV when accurate figures and the geographic spread are not known.
Information Sources:
Information supplied by the Dental faculty of the University of the W. Cape , the Dept. of Health (KZ Natal), Bristo Myers Squibb, Glaxo Welcome and the SA Medical Research Council. Transparencies supplied by kind permission of Aunde (SA ) Ltd.
by Jimmy Henderson
Q 1. What is Hiv and Aids?
HIV = Human Imunno Deficiency Virus (discovered in 1984) (germs)
AIDS = Acquired Immuno –Deficiency syndrome (first described in 1981)
(syndrome- a name given to a group of symptoms )
HI virus belongs to a family of viruses called the Retrovirus
Infects the CD+ 4 cells which control the human immune system (see transparency).
The immune system is the bodies natural defences against infections and disease.
It comprises of the skin, (outer protection), white blood cells, antibodies and macrophages –scavenger cells)
The HIV invades, enters and multiplies within these CD+ 4 cells and destroys them.(see transparency)
By invading these cells, the HIV infects and eventually destroys the entire body's natural immune system, which is the system which helps our body to fight infection.
When the immune system is weakened by the HIV, the body is no longer able to defend itself and is open to opportunistic infections such as flu, tuberculosis (T.B.), pneumonia and cancers.
The amount of HIV in the body (viral load) can be controlled to a degree by means of special medications called Anti-retrovirals and the immune system can be strengthened by natural means such as exercise and diet.
The infected person can therefore live for many years after infection, provided he
or she has the correct medication and can maintain a strong immune system.
There are people living with HIV for over 15 years.
However, without intervention , HIV infection can worsen into the severe form of immunological weakness known as Aids. (Acute Immune-Deficiency Syndrome)
We will deal with the symptoms and progression of AIDS a little later.
Q .2 How is HIV transmitted?
HIV is transmitted with the transfer of body fluids, mostly blood and blood products and semen.
It is not transmitted through the air by coughing or touching
Specific ways of becoming infected
Unprotected sexual intercourse
Penetrative vaginal, oral or anal sex without a condom.
75 85% of HIV infection is as the result of unprotected sexual intercourse.
The HIV enters the walls of the genitals through small cuts and scrapes.
Gets into the bloodstream.
Mother to child transmission
25 35% of all infants born to Hiv+ mothers become infected.
This type of transmission accounts for 90% of the global infection of infants and children.
Children who develop HIV usually contract it during childbirth in the uterus from the placenta (blood and scrapes) or from the breast milk (blood product).
Drug abuse
The sharing of Hiv infected injection needles and blades accounts for between 5 and 10 % of all adult infections.
It is also advisable NOT to share razors or toothbrushes because of the possible presence of blood on them.
Blood transfusions or direct contact with infected blood (open wounds)
Infected blood or blood products accounts for 3 5% of all global adult infections.
If blood from the wound of an HIV + person enters your skin (sores, cuts scrapes)
South Africa has introduced routine screening of donated blood for HIV.
Q3 What are the real risk factors ?
High risk sexual behaviours (prostitutes, multiple partners, casual sex)
Drug users -sharing of infected needles and syringes.
Women are more at risk because of the relatively large amount of semen transmitted from the man during intercourse.
HIV is also more likely to be transmitted through intercourse when one or both partners have a sexually transmitted disease (STDS) such as syphilis due to sores, tiny cuts or scrapes.
HIV can also be passed on between persons through open wounds.
It is therefore important that emergency workers use rubber gloves when working with injured and bleeding patients.
Q 4 What are the Myths surrounding HIV?
You cannot get HIV from kissing under normal circumstances
Kissing is regarded as safe, provided there is no blood in the mouths due to cuts.
There is a very slim chance of HIV being transmitted by saliva or insect bites as the amount of infectious particles in saliva and bites is too low for a "loading dose".
Saliva also contains proteins which may neutralise the virus to an extent.
You cannot get HIV from touching an HIV + person.
It is therefore quite safe to associate with and care for persons with HIV/Aids as long as you do not come into direct contact with infected blood and you have an open wound (the skin protects you).
It cannot be spread by a toilet seat, shaking hands, hugging or touching or using the same towels, cups or utensils
Blood or semen is not infectious if out of the body for a while.
The HIV loses its effectivity if outside the human body even for a short period and does therefore not appear to be transmitted by social or casual non sexual contact.
Washing does not protect you
You are not safe from HIV if you wash after sex. It is transmitted internally
through the genitals.
Having sex with a virgin will not protect you or cure AIDS.
There is no known cure for AIDS at this time. It can only be controlled with medication.
Q.5 How can we prevent infection?
The best long term strategy is education, knowing your status, and applying the governments A-B-C method.
A = Abstinence
Having a lifestyle which includes abstaining from sex.
B = Be faithful to a single partner (Be open and honest)
(don’t sleep around)
C = Condomise
All persons , especially women, should be educated in their right to say
NO or demand the use of a condom, even within marriage.
(demonstrate male and female condom)
Q. 6 What are the Symptoms of HIV infection?
It is possible to have HIV and NOT show any visible signs of illness.
Symptoms can take months and even years to develop.
The symptoms could also belong to other illnesses (TB, Flu etc)
The HIV test is the only way to really know if you are infected.
There is a "window period" of up to three months before the HIV may be positively detected in the body (HIV antibodies) (see transparency)
This delay can result in a person not being aware that they have contracted the HIV until symptoms appear.
This is why it is so important to get tested early and regularly.
A significant number of individuals can, however, produce antibodies within one to two weeks after infection and produce an illness similar to glandular fever
The estimated incubation period of the virus varies from 5 months to 10 years.
During this time the virus gradually destroys the CD + 4 cells and the bodies immune system and symptoms begin to appear.
The gradual loss of the immune system is measured by the CD + 4 count (see transparency)
As the viral load increases, the CD + 4 count will drop. (see transparency)
One can live for many years with HIV with the proper treatment.
However, the overwhelming majority of people infected with HIV do eventually develop Aids.
Aids will eventually lead to death.
How long this takes will vary from person to person. It is important therefore for high risk individuals to have themselves tested regularly in order to obtain treatment as soon as possible.
Q.7 What is AIDS ?
Doctors have a list of so called "Aids defining conditions".
These are serious medical conditions such as severe respiratory infections, coughing, diarrhoea, bowel infections, weakness, weight loss, nausea, vomiting, brain infections (mental deterioration), cancers, and visible skin infections.
When the CD+ 4 count of an HIV+ person drops to below 200 and he /she develops these Stage 5 illnesses (see transparency), they are said to have AIDS.
This is said to be the last stage (5) of HIV ( see transparency)
The lower the count, the more advanced the disease (see transparency)
Eventually death results from sicknesses such as TB and pneumonia to which the body now has no defence (6 months -2 years).
Q.8 What is VCT ? ( Voluntary testing and counselling)
In terms of the Labour regulations and Basic Conditions of Employment Act, companies have an obligation to provide support to workers with HIV and AIDS.
Many companies have clinics on site and Wellness programmes in place to support those with HIV/AIDS
If not, they should provide arrangements for workers to get to test centres or preferably tested on site by companies who are registered to do this.
These clinics can also provide testing for HIV
A worker cannot be forced to go for an HIV test (it is voluntary) (informed consent)
Prior to the test, the worker must be offered counselling. (To prepare them psychologically and emotionally) (Pre-test counselling)
THE HIV TEST
The test can only be performed by a registered professional, nurse, sister etc.
The test is very quick and involves only taking a drop of blood and placing it on the test strip (see transparency on Rapid Test)
The blood will reveal the presence of HIV antibodies (sero-conversion)
If the results are negative, the person will be tested later in a few months (Window Period)
If the tests are positive, more blood will be taken to ensure that the rapid test was correct.
The sister / nurse is obliged by law to keep the results confidential.
The results can only be released to a third party with the workers written permission.
Counselling must be made available to the worker following the test results (Post-Test counselling)
Q.9 What treatment is available?
HIV cannot be cured as yet but its effects can be controlled with certain types of medication.
The type of medication is based on the results of a Viral load test.(how much HIV)
Types of medication
Anti-retrovirals which work against a retrovirus. Prevent it replicating.
Drugs involved include AZT, ddl , ddC and 3TC.
Usually these medicines are combined for the best effect ("cocktails").
Different strains of HIV require different combinations.
The medication AZT reduces the risk of infection by 79% (pregnant women)
HIV mutates easily and can form different strains, making it difficult to develop a really effective vaccine.
Tests can be conducted every 3 6 months to determine how well the patient is responding to treatment.
Remember HIV+ persons can be cured of most associated conditions such as TB, pneumonia and infections, although NOT of HIV itself
Persons with HIV can go on to lead normal productive lives for many years (15 years)
Others in an advanced stage of full blown Aids have substantially less chance of long term survival .
This is why it is so important to know your status and get treatment early.
Other medications
Other types of medications are available to treat the effects of Hiv or Aids.
To keep the immune system as healthy as possible (Vit.boosters, B12 injections etc) .
Other drugs work to prevent or treat the opportunistic infections or symptoms, such as loss of appetite, weight loss, nausea etc.
HIV symptoms differ from person to person and some type of medications work better on some patients.
Others may develop a tolerance for certain medications and may have to change regularly.
Aids medication is normally costly, but at present some pharmaceutical manufacturers are prepared to supply certain drugs free of charge to clinics and provincial hospitals.
Diet
It is believed that a special diet, exercise and a reduction of stress can slow down the onset of AIDS.
Q. 10 What is the best way to care for people with HIV/Aids?
Home or community care of the Aids patient is part of the official management plan of the Dept. of Health, due to lack of resources, overcrowding at state hospitals and the high cost of hospitalisation and treatment (medications).
Use of out-patients and clinics.
Home care -from a social viewpoint of family emotional support and care, this also makes the most sense.
Wellness programmes at companies
Usually involves sister/nurse at company
VCT testing and counselling facilities.
EAP counsellors.
Monitoring HIV + workers who are on the program.
Assist with monitoring of CD+ 4 count, transport to clinic, seek free medication for workers
Provide guidelines on diet and booster medications.
May provide anti-retrovirals if registered to do so.
Follow-up on families and needs.
The psychological and social needs of a person with Aids is similar to those of persons with other life threatening diseases such as cancer, heart disease etc.
They need to be shown love, understanding, re assurance and support.
Q. 11 Why do I need to know my status?
Reasons : Why people do not wish to know status
Fear of death –denial (better not to know) (less painful)
Fear of rejection - It is a fact that many people do fear contact
with a HIV + person and can reject him or her.
Fear of victimisation at work – This cannot really happen in terms
of the Constitution (no discrimination) and the Labour
Relations Act (unfair labour practices).
Confidentiality
At present it is NOT compulsory for a victim to declare their status
Or for medical practitioners to report cases of HIV/ Aids
(Company clinic sisters usually only supply statistics to management)
Health care workers or managers can get into legal problems if they breach
confidentiality.
The worker has to give written permission for their status to be made known.
Reasons why should know status.
Can access the company wellness programmes and gain assistance.
Can get medication early on and prolong their life
Can reduce the spread of HIV to partners by taking extra precautions
It is also difficult to plan help to victims of HIV when accurate figures and the geographic spread are not known.
Information Sources:
Information supplied by the Dental faculty of the University of the W. Cape , the Dept. of Health (KZ Natal), Bristo Myers Squibb, Glaxo Welcome and the SA Medical Research Council. Transparencies supplied by kind permission of Aunde (SA ) Ltd.
POST article
How to cope during the examinations
By Jimmy Henderson
So you are now busy with exams and struggling to cope? In the previous article the importance of being mentally and physically well-prepared was highlighted. Much of this applies to the period in between exams as well.
• Diet and sleep during examinations
Whether studying before or during the examinations, get sufficient sleep and eat correctly
It does not help to study until the early hours of the morning and then be unable to concentrate during the exams
Junk food is not helpful during times of stress- eat plenty of vegetables and easily digestible food
Ask your chemist or health shop for a natural supplement to assist you during the exams
• In between examinations
You may be having problems sleeping but it is not a good idea to take sleeping tablets or tranquillisers as this will only reduce your ability to focus
Use a reward system: In other words, if your have worked well for a few hours you should take some take time off.
• Continue with your study plan
Your study plan should have been based on your examination timetable and the last day or two before the examination for a particular subject should be reserved for last minute revision on that subject only.
Do not leave for the examination venue at the last moment and be stressed. Arrive early and relax
It is also helpful to arrive early at the venue to do last minute cramming.
Hopefully you have prepared summaries and your final cramming should be to remember only the main headings, important points and key words for that particular subject.
• When writing an examination
Once you have been told to begin, use the first five to ten minutes to recall and write down these headings, points and key concepts on the scrap side of the exam pad.
Examiners do not mind you make notes as long as you indicate the page as ‘rough work’ or ‘notes’ and not as part of your answer
There is an ideal arousal level for mental work and examinations
If you are too stressed and your arousal is too high, you may get a mental block and be unable to think clearly. In this case, stop for a minute or two and do meditative breathing exercises such as breathing in and out to a regular count of 4. Stop your writing, close your eyes and relax and focus on your breathing , counting as you breathe in and out , In 1,2,3, 4, hold, 1,2,3, 4, out 1,2,3, 4, hold 1,2,3, 4, , in 1,2,3, 4, and so on. This will relax you quickly.
If you arousal is too low (sleepy) you will also not be able to focus correctly. In this case, you will need to find a way of raising your arousal level. Try stretching or pushing down on your arms and legs, in order to get your heart-rate up. Glucose sweets are also
a good way of increasing your metabolism fast.
• Your state of mind is crucial during the examination period.
Try and be as positive as possible. Focus on what you want for your future and try not to let pressure from family and friends affect you
If you have prepared well, you should not have problems with the actual examinations.
If you are experiencing health or emotional issues such as depression or panic attacks during the examinations, consult a medical doctor or psychologist.
If things do not go well with the examination, all is not lost. There are supplementary examinations through the department of education and a number of colleges offer correspondence courses in the National Certificate (matric) as well as full-time computer and other courses which do not require matric
References
Jordaan et al ((1975). General psychology: A psychobiological approach. JHB: McGraw–Hill.
Beautyspecialists (Gilletts) 031-7670390
Damelin college (Priscilla Kisten) 031-2689400
www.jimmyhendersonbooks.blogspot.com
How to cope during the examinations
By Jimmy Henderson
So you are now busy with exams and struggling to cope? In the previous article the importance of being mentally and physically well-prepared was highlighted. Much of this applies to the period in between exams as well.
• Diet and sleep during examinations
Whether studying before or during the examinations, get sufficient sleep and eat correctly
It does not help to study until the early hours of the morning and then be unable to concentrate during the exams
Junk food is not helpful during times of stress- eat plenty of vegetables and easily digestible food
Ask your chemist or health shop for a natural supplement to assist you during the exams
• In between examinations
You may be having problems sleeping but it is not a good idea to take sleeping tablets or tranquillisers as this will only reduce your ability to focus
Use a reward system: In other words, if your have worked well for a few hours you should take some take time off.
• Continue with your study plan
Your study plan should have been based on your examination timetable and the last day or two before the examination for a particular subject should be reserved for last minute revision on that subject only.
Do not leave for the examination venue at the last moment and be stressed. Arrive early and relax
It is also helpful to arrive early at the venue to do last minute cramming.
Hopefully you have prepared summaries and your final cramming should be to remember only the main headings, important points and key words for that particular subject.
• When writing an examination
Once you have been told to begin, use the first five to ten minutes to recall and write down these headings, points and key concepts on the scrap side of the exam pad.
Examiners do not mind you make notes as long as you indicate the page as ‘rough work’ or ‘notes’ and not as part of your answer
There is an ideal arousal level for mental work and examinations
If you are too stressed and your arousal is too high, you may get a mental block and be unable to think clearly. In this case, stop for a minute or two and do meditative breathing exercises such as breathing in and out to a regular count of 4. Stop your writing, close your eyes and relax and focus on your breathing , counting as you breathe in and out , In 1,2,3, 4, hold, 1,2,3, 4, out 1,2,3, 4, hold 1,2,3, 4, , in 1,2,3, 4, and so on. This will relax you quickly.
If you arousal is too low (sleepy) you will also not be able to focus correctly. In this case, you will need to find a way of raising your arousal level. Try stretching or pushing down on your arms and legs, in order to get your heart-rate up. Glucose sweets are also
a good way of increasing your metabolism fast.
• Your state of mind is crucial during the examination period.
Try and be as positive as possible. Focus on what you want for your future and try not to let pressure from family and friends affect you
If you have prepared well, you should not have problems with the actual examinations.
If you are experiencing health or emotional issues such as depression or panic attacks during the examinations, consult a medical doctor or psychologist.
If things do not go well with the examination, all is not lost. There are supplementary examinations through the department of education and a number of colleges offer correspondence courses in the National Certificate (matric) as well as full-time computer and other courses which do not require matric
References
Jordaan et al ((1975). General psychology: A psychobiological approach. JHB: McGraw–Hill.
Beautyspecialists (Gilletts) 031-7670390
Damelin college (Priscilla Kisten) 031-2689400
www.jimmyhendersonbooks.blogspot.com
Teenage suicide and emotional wellness: Radio talk : Lotus FM, 23 Oct. 2006
by Jimmy Henderson
• New family systems or social systems approach
• Problems with teens are viewed holistically and seen to be due more to bad communication and relationships in the family and with the community.
Problem behavior not seen in isolation.
Blame not attributed to teenager alone.
Unacceptable behavior seen in context of family and community issues
(we all have to accept responsibility that it got to this stage.)
**** Interaction between individual, family and social factors
Individual factors
Usually called ‘vulnerabilities’
Children can inherit certain ‘genetic vulnerabilities’ from parents that may lead to problems later on ( …) .
Intelligence, obesity, overly-emotional, very active or intolerant.
Things that could make him or her unpopular or unsuccessful in school.
Also possible predispositions for ‘family’ disorders (ADHD, eating disorders, anxiety,depression )
Developmental stages and needs
A child has very clear tasks and needs which need to be met at different
stages of life, if he or she is to develop skills, self-confidence and
emotional wellness.
Problems usually arise later on in the teenage years as a result of problems in the early years of the child.
Special needs of the teenager (different stages –different needs- Maslow)
Respect, independence and peer acceptance–popularity.
Very emotional –hormones –very concerned about self-image and self-esteem
Family factors
Sometimes home = not a very supportive environment
Family needs to support the child emotionally as well as physically from a
early age, communicate with the child and maintain good relationships
(trust and respect)
Specific Problems
Weak parenting (lack of communication skills)
Lack of attention to academic needs. Learning and behaviour problems need to be addressed early.
Lack of emotional support for child and teenager when needed.
(no one to turn to)-
Family not meeting dev. needs of teenager (respect and independence)
Too strict= rebelliousness
Lack of involvement from early age –eg absent /unconcerned parent
no real relationship built up. Eg work, divorce, separation
No unconditional love
Inconsistent discipline- No real trust and respect.
Family expectations and demands.
High expectations towards academic achievement or sports performance.
Conditional acceptance. ‘I will only love you if you perform well’.
Expect teenagers to conform without knowledge of dev. needs
Imposing unpopular family traditions – teenager not conforming
Unstable home and family stress
Aggressive parenting –shouting, fighting, marital conflict
Parents with problems- mental disorders in family - anxiety,depression.
History of bad relationships in the home (family humiliation)
(poor, unemployed, family disgrace)
Emotional neglect –unconcerned with child /too busy / not taken
seriously/write them off.
Inconsistency- ‘do as I say and not as I do’- bad examples or role
models)
Abuse
Physical, mental, emotional or sexual abuse (Especially when young).
Can lead to major problems later on in teenagers (disorders)
Family trauma
Death of parent, divorce (absent parent), family = victims of crime
unresolved anger, resentment and fear.
Substance Abuse
Bad role models -alcoholism, drug use, criminality in family.
Social and cultural factors.
Role of environmental stressors (crime, poverty, unemployment)
The role of cultural demands and expectations
Social expectations and judgements (isolated by family or community)
Lack of community or social support when family in need (feel isolated)
Involvement of community counseling or professional help services.
Involvement with help organizations, welfare, support groups, rehab centres.
Able/ unable to communicate with friends (peer assistance)
Level of involvement of church or youth groups
Other factors
Expectations and demands of the type of society (capitalist)
Advertising : the role of the media (eg thin, perfect bodies)
Social pressures to conform.
Teenage depression ( Dr. Laurence Schebush)
Cycle of distress
• Teenage depression arises from a cycle of unbearable psychological distress or anguish in which existing problems are perceived as insurmountable and the teenager withdraws into a ‘dark place’ (feels isolated and alone) in which his/her thoughts become increasingly negative and he/she becomes emotionally deadened.
• Starts off as coping mechanisms (avoidance, withdrawal) and ends up as chronic disorder. The purpose of suicide is to stop this cycle of unbearable pain.
• Symptoms and early warning signs of depression and the behaviour of teenagers at ‘risk’.
Symptoms emerge in the family and larger social system
(Circular process, one factor affects the other )
• Teenagers behaviour problems
(Coping mechanisms kick in to avoid distress )
Social withdrawal (don’t want to go out) loss of interest in activities
Social avoidance (want to be left alone-crying)
Displacement of emotions –angry / irritable
Drop in school performance,loss of concentration, poor memory, loss of creativity
Substance abuse (avoidance) (drugs/alcohol)
Illnesses or pretend illnesses and pseudo suicide-weak attempts at suicide-take
pills etc (cry for attention)
Insomnia, loss of appetite and weight (eating disorders)
Emotions : Moods/ displacement of feelings
Anxiety, angry /irritable, resentment and frustration
Strong feelings of sadness, unworthiness, hopelessness, isolation.
Thoughts : Increasingly preoccupied and negative (self-talk)
Distorted perceptions (caused by emotions)
Talking about suicide to friends and family.
Solutions- Need to re-open communication and improve relationships
May require attitude change on part of parents.
Improved parenting /communication skills
Provide support as required for troubled teen (unconditional love)
Get involvement of community and professional organizations if
necessary.
by Jimmy Henderson
• New family systems or social systems approach
• Problems with teens are viewed holistically and seen to be due more to bad communication and relationships in the family and with the community.
Problem behavior not seen in isolation.
Blame not attributed to teenager alone.
Unacceptable behavior seen in context of family and community issues
(we all have to accept responsibility that it got to this stage.)
**** Interaction between individual, family and social factors
Individual factors
Usually called ‘vulnerabilities’
Children can inherit certain ‘genetic vulnerabilities’ from parents that may lead to problems later on ( …) .
Intelligence, obesity, overly-emotional, very active or intolerant.
Things that could make him or her unpopular or unsuccessful in school.
Also possible predispositions for ‘family’ disorders (ADHD, eating disorders, anxiety,depression )
Developmental stages and needs
A child has very clear tasks and needs which need to be met at different
stages of life, if he or she is to develop skills, self-confidence and
emotional wellness.
Problems usually arise later on in the teenage years as a result of problems in the early years of the child.
Special needs of the teenager (different stages –different needs- Maslow)
Respect, independence and peer acceptance–popularity.
Very emotional –hormones –very concerned about self-image and self-esteem
Family factors
Sometimes home = not a very supportive environment
Family needs to support the child emotionally as well as physically from a
early age, communicate with the child and maintain good relationships
(trust and respect)
Specific Problems
Weak parenting (lack of communication skills)
Lack of attention to academic needs. Learning and behaviour problems need to be addressed early.
Lack of emotional support for child and teenager when needed.
(no one to turn to)-
Family not meeting dev. needs of teenager (respect and independence)
Too strict= rebelliousness
Lack of involvement from early age –eg absent /unconcerned parent
no real relationship built up. Eg work, divorce, separation
No unconditional love
Inconsistent discipline- No real trust and respect.
Family expectations and demands.
High expectations towards academic achievement or sports performance.
Conditional acceptance. ‘I will only love you if you perform well’.
Expect teenagers to conform without knowledge of dev. needs
Imposing unpopular family traditions – teenager not conforming
Unstable home and family stress
Aggressive parenting –shouting, fighting, marital conflict
Parents with problems- mental disorders in family - anxiety,depression.
History of bad relationships in the home (family humiliation)
(poor, unemployed, family disgrace)
Emotional neglect –unconcerned with child /too busy / not taken
seriously/write them off.
Inconsistency- ‘do as I say and not as I do’- bad examples or role
models)
Abuse
Physical, mental, emotional or sexual abuse (Especially when young).
Can lead to major problems later on in teenagers (disorders)
Family trauma
Death of parent, divorce (absent parent), family = victims of crime
unresolved anger, resentment and fear.
Substance Abuse
Bad role models -alcoholism, drug use, criminality in family.
Social and cultural factors.
Role of environmental stressors (crime, poverty, unemployment)
The role of cultural demands and expectations
Social expectations and judgements (isolated by family or community)
Lack of community or social support when family in need (feel isolated)
Involvement of community counseling or professional help services.
Involvement with help organizations, welfare, support groups, rehab centres.
Able/ unable to communicate with friends (peer assistance)
Level of involvement of church or youth groups
Other factors
Expectations and demands of the type of society (capitalist)
Advertising : the role of the media (eg thin, perfect bodies)
Social pressures to conform.
Teenage depression ( Dr. Laurence Schebush)
Cycle of distress
• Teenage depression arises from a cycle of unbearable psychological distress or anguish in which existing problems are perceived as insurmountable and the teenager withdraws into a ‘dark place’ (feels isolated and alone) in which his/her thoughts become increasingly negative and he/she becomes emotionally deadened.
• Starts off as coping mechanisms (avoidance, withdrawal) and ends up as chronic disorder. The purpose of suicide is to stop this cycle of unbearable pain.
• Symptoms and early warning signs of depression and the behaviour of teenagers at ‘risk’.
Symptoms emerge in the family and larger social system
(Circular process, one factor affects the other )
• Teenagers behaviour problems
(Coping mechanisms kick in to avoid distress )
Social withdrawal (don’t want to go out) loss of interest in activities
Social avoidance (want to be left alone-crying)
Displacement of emotions –angry / irritable
Drop in school performance,loss of concentration, poor memory, loss of creativity
Substance abuse (avoidance) (drugs/alcohol)
Illnesses or pretend illnesses and pseudo suicide-weak attempts at suicide-take
pills etc (cry for attention)
Insomnia, loss of appetite and weight (eating disorders)
Emotions : Moods/ displacement of feelings
Anxiety, angry /irritable, resentment and frustration
Strong feelings of sadness, unworthiness, hopelessness, isolation.
Thoughts : Increasingly preoccupied and negative (self-talk)
Distorted perceptions (caused by emotions)
Talking about suicide to friends and family.
Solutions- Need to re-open communication and improve relationships
May require attitude change on part of parents.
Improved parenting /communication skills
Provide support as required for troubled teen (unconditional love)
Get involvement of community and professional organizations if
necessary.
Lotus FM Dealing with divorce
by Jimmy Henderson
Part 1 Effects of divorce
Although I am specifically mentioning divorce, most of this information will apply in all cases where partners have ended long-term relationships.
• Divorce is painful
Even if it is a conscious decision taken by both partners, divorce is a
very painful process. What you are experiencing is the loss of an
important part of your life, a time when you shared your feelings and
trust on the most intimate level possible.
• Divorce causes stress
Divorce is very high up on the scale of stressors and depending on the
circumstances involved in the break-up, you are likely to be
experiencing extreme stress and a variety of different and intense
emotions such as anger, resentment and feelings of betrayal, but may
also include sadness, helplessness and despair.
These emotions and symptoms are normal and will persist at the time of the break up and continue through the actual divorce proceedings.
This is all part of a process of trying to cope and to adjust, which unfortunately, could sometimes even take years.
Stress reactions
During this time you may also experience common stress reactions such as an initial numbness or loss of control and later stomach problems, irritability, over-sensitivity, headaches, aches and pains and a worsening of existing illnesses.
Coping behaviours
You may also experience coping mechanisms such as denial (he will be coming back), a displacement of anger (lashing out at anyone) or avoidance, such as wanting to be alone and withdrawing from social life.
This is also a normal reaction by which you may try to shut out the reality and pain of the event.
• What to do
Emotions
Do not deny the emotions, but own up to them, “ Yes, I am angry” or “Yes, I am feeling lost and abandoned”
Be prepared to work through your thoughts, and emotions such as anger, despair and pain with a trusted friend or family member, a social worker, counsellor or psychologist.
It is very important that these intense feelings are allowed to come out and are dealt with, and not carried with you for the rest of your lives. They could later find other ways to express themselves, such as in illness or depression.
Actions
• Accept comfort and support from friends and family.
• Allow yourself the time to heal
Recently divorced persons need time to heal and to regain their emotional and
psychological balance, especially before considering another relationship.
Do not seek comfort in the arms of a stranger, as most people are extremely vulnerable following a break-up and could be struggling with major issues related to their self-esteem.
I have counselled many ladies who have fallen into this trap of rushing into another relationship in order to find comfort or to restore their battered self-esteem and their belief that they are still attractive and desirable, and in most cases their judgement has been in error and the situation has become far worse, more complex and stressful.
• Deal with the most pressing issues
Look to your finances.
Make sure that you have sufficient funds and a place to stay.
If you are not financially independent, your lawyer should assist in
ensuring that you receive the necessary assistance from your ex.
Consider assistance for your children. This may include taking them to a counsellor, social worker or psychologist.
Children are always affected by divorce, no matter what their age. They have very
specific needs related to love, security and stability, and divorce can result in later
behaviour problems at home and school.
• Re-assure your children
Divorce can cause children to become distrustful, insecure and in need of constant re-assurance that they are still important and loved by both parents.
They do not always understand divorce in the same way as adults and can also carry negative thoughts and feelings of shame, loss of self-image or self-esteem.
If they are old enough to understand, the situation should be explained to them, making it very clear that they are not to blame and they should not be afraid that the parents attitude towards them will change.
“Daddy and mommy are not going to live together anymore, but we still both love
you and will still look after you”.
Divorce is especially disturbing to children approaching adolescence, as it may deprive them of a role model and result in a change in financial status, possibly necessitating a move to smaller, cheaper lodgings or having to do without things to which they were accustomed.
This can seriously affect their self-image or self-esteem, leading to social withdrawal and behaviour problems. For the parent who regains custody of the children, their emotional needs and well-being should be seen as a priority.
• Consider counselling for yourself
Apart from very strong emotions, divorce can also result in negative thinking.
Thoughts such as “If I was only more attractive he wouldn’t have left” or “I just
can’t go on”, could persist and begin to break down your self-image and self-
esteem.
• Restore your feelings of self-worth, competence and control as soon as possible.
Guilt-ridden or self-destructive thinking can lead to depression. Negative
thoughts need to be confronted and challenged with the truth of the situation and
a strong belief that the right decision was made under the circumstances.
• Reach an arrangement
Following the finalisation of the divorce, one of the most common reactions could
be anger, resentment and a desire for revenge.
In some cases the ex-wife will cut off all ties with her ex-husband and the children can quickly become pawns in a power game designed to punish the errant husband for the pain that he has caused her.
He is either denied access to the children, or loses contact by means of the ex-wife relocating to another town or city in an attempt to make a new start or to avoid further pain.
Although this avoidance behaviour is understandable, in the long term, denying an ex-husband or partner access to the children could result in prolonged legal wrangles, bitterness and a tit-for-tat battle, as he will always use the one weapon over which he has control, the payment (or non-payment) of maintenance.
Although it is very difficult due to the strong emotions involved, it is very important that both parties agree to a fair arrangement with regards to the children as soon as possible, long before the finalisation of the divorce.
Part 2 on Divorce
• Coping skills for divorce
• If things are not proceeding well, it is possible to begin to feel depressed. In this situation, your mind may fill with unpleasant feelings and extremely self-defeating thoughts such as “no-one cares for me” or “ I am worthless”. You could also consider ‘giving up’ and lose the ability to express emotion and this can be dangerous.
• Changing your perspective on the divorce
You can change your perspective by reviewing the divorce with hindsight, clarity and a greater life experience.
The problem is that strong feelings can ‘colour’ any situation. During the breakup you were perhaps very angry and hurt and this set off a cycle of self-defeating thoughts.
However, a few months later, your emotions should have settled down a little and you may be able to see the whole situation more clearly and be able to accept that your breakup was inevitable and necessary.
You can regain a proper perspective on the divorce and possibly arrive at a new
understanding which will allow you to release self-defeating thoughts and beliefs
about yourself.
Try to recall the events leading up to the divorce as accurately as possible.
Try to maintain an emotional distance, recalling the situations as if you were viewing a DVD. Do not allow your emotions to enter into the equation.
Review the painful situations, remembering the self-defeating thoughts or beliefs you formed about yourself.
For example, ‘I failed as a wife’, or ‘I should have forgiven him’.
Reconsider each of your own self-judgments in the light of the following possibilities which are based on hindsight, clarity and reason :
The marriage took place when you were young and inexperienced.
The divorce involved circumstances beyond your control.
Looking at it with hindsight, there was nothing else you could have done.
You simply cannot take responsibility for the decision of others.
You made the best decision under the circumstances.
(This will involve you looking at other possible scenarios that could have played out if you had made a different decision.
For instance, ‘If I did stay with him, I would have been unhappy the rest of my life.’
‘If I had not divorced him he could have killed me’
‘I made a conscious decision’.
‘I was acting rationally and did not act impulsively’
Your aim is to come to understand that you did the best that you could under the circumstances and that you no longer have to beat yourself up about this.
In other words, to discover a new perspective on the divorce and come to the understanding that what you actually did was ‘OK’.
This thought will allow you to release those irrational beliefs or judgments linked to regret or self-blame that are weighing you down.
• Challenging unhelpful emotions
You can challenge unhelpful emotions using a Costs and benefits approach.
Identify the person or persons whom you are unable to forgive.
Review each emotion you have identified associated with the person(s) or event.
For example; resentment, anger, hatred or grief.
Examine the ‘costs’ and the ‘benefits’ of holding onto these emotions, to your present peace of mind, health, career and relationships.
Example 1. : Repressed anger and resentment
Benefits : Initially, anger directed at one’s ex-spouse or partner can be useful
in motivating you into action and providing the strength to get through the
difficult times.
Costs: However, over a period of time, holding onto these strong emotions
can affect your physical or psychological health.
Costs: An angry or resentful person is not pleasant to be with and people
may begin to avoid or isolate you.
Costs: Resentment and anger can also affect your responses to other
potential partners and the possibility of future relationships, making it
difficult to trust and love again.
Example 2: Grief and loss at the loss of the relationship.
Benefits: The urge to withdraw socially can allow you a measure of control
and time to heal.
Costs: However, avoiding contact with people over a long period is not
useful for anyone’s social life or career advancement.
Costs: A person who is ‘emotionally crippled’ by a divorce could have
difficulty finding enjoyment and happiness again.
Costs: Strong negative emotions which are unresolved can lead to
depression .
Notice that in most cases, the costs far outweigh the initial benefits.
Now review the emotions you have listed with the event and note the initial
benefits as well as the present costs of holding onto them.
Make a decision that the benefits are simply not worth the costs and choose to
forgive the person or to release the emotion.
The decision is to be made for your own sake and sanity, and not because you
believe he or she suddenly deserves forgiveness.
You can either do this consciously or by means of a small ritual in which you
symbolically wash your hands of the person(s) or emotion, or burn a letter, after you
have listed and verbalised (out loud) the reasons for your pain and what you are feeling
towards him/her/them.
• To assist you in this decision, consider the following:
You do not have to change your opinion of what originally happened.
What you are changing is only your long term response to the divorce.
He or she is not suddenly made righteous because you are letting go.
You are consciously choosing to release it because it is in your own best interests to do so.
• Challenging self-defeating thoughts
The intense emotions linked to past and present unpleasant events can activate a
series of self-defeating thoughts, including beliefs of being a failure, or of being
undesirable, unwanted or unloved.
For example: ‘I failed in this marriage’
‘I always fail’
‘I am a failure’
Unfortunately, this kind of thinking can seriously affect your self-esteem and
interactions with other people.
Another way of releasing or changing self-defeating thoughts, is to directly
challenge each statement. At the time the breakup of her relationship, you may
have been deeply affected and not objective at all. This affects your judgments,
especially of yourself. You could end up blaming yourself for things that were
said and done when it may not have been your fault at all.
You can dispute these irrational thoughts and beliefs on the basis or their simply being not accurate, unreasonable or untrue.
List the self-defeating thoughts, beliefs and ideas you are carrying as a result of
the divorce.
For instance: ‘I am a failure’
‘No one cares for me’
‘I will never find anyone else’
Using the power of hindsight, clarity and reason, question each belief in the
light of your present situation.
‘How accurate is my judgment of this situation?’
‘Is this really true?’
‘Is this really reasonable?’
‘Does it really happen this way in real-life?
‘Did this really apply to me?’
You will find that in most cases, that you were very upset when you formed
these thoughts or beliefs, not thinking rationally and are in all likelihood,
misguided, exaggerated, inaccurate or simply not true.
Search for the present realities in your life which dispute these negative beliefs.
For example:
‘I am not a failure. I have a wonderful family and am a good father/mother’
‘I have done many good things in my life’.
‘It is not true that no-one cares for me.’ ‘I have the support of my
family and many good friends.’
‘It is ridiculous for me to say that I will never find anyone else’
‘The reality is that I am a very popular person and have many
opportunities.’
Once you have affirmed your new reality, release the old beliefs by affirming
new positive truths about yourself.
For example:
‘I am not a failure’. ‘I am a hard working and dedicated person’
‘I am not useless’. ‘ I am a very valuable asset to my family and company’.
‘I was never worthless’. ‘I am worthy of love and happiness’
‘I intend to be the best that I can be’.
• Consciously affirm that the negative thoughts and beliefs belong to the past, to moments in time which are now gone. You will no longer allow them to control you.
• Planning
Re-look at all the positive aspects of your life and to decide on a realistic, measurable and attainable plan of action to get your life on track again.
This could involve becoming socially active again, finding a job and becoming financially independent or focussing on self-improvement.
by Jimmy Henderson
Part 1 Effects of divorce
Although I am specifically mentioning divorce, most of this information will apply in all cases where partners have ended long-term relationships.
• Divorce is painful
Even if it is a conscious decision taken by both partners, divorce is a
very painful process. What you are experiencing is the loss of an
important part of your life, a time when you shared your feelings and
trust on the most intimate level possible.
• Divorce causes stress
Divorce is very high up on the scale of stressors and depending on the
circumstances involved in the break-up, you are likely to be
experiencing extreme stress and a variety of different and intense
emotions such as anger, resentment and feelings of betrayal, but may
also include sadness, helplessness and despair.
These emotions and symptoms are normal and will persist at the time of the break up and continue through the actual divorce proceedings.
This is all part of a process of trying to cope and to adjust, which unfortunately, could sometimes even take years.
Stress reactions
During this time you may also experience common stress reactions such as an initial numbness or loss of control and later stomach problems, irritability, over-sensitivity, headaches, aches and pains and a worsening of existing illnesses.
Coping behaviours
You may also experience coping mechanisms such as denial (he will be coming back), a displacement of anger (lashing out at anyone) or avoidance, such as wanting to be alone and withdrawing from social life.
This is also a normal reaction by which you may try to shut out the reality and pain of the event.
• What to do
Emotions
Do not deny the emotions, but own up to them, “ Yes, I am angry” or “Yes, I am feeling lost and abandoned”
Be prepared to work through your thoughts, and emotions such as anger, despair and pain with a trusted friend or family member, a social worker, counsellor or psychologist.
It is very important that these intense feelings are allowed to come out and are dealt with, and not carried with you for the rest of your lives. They could later find other ways to express themselves, such as in illness or depression.
Actions
• Accept comfort and support from friends and family.
• Allow yourself the time to heal
Recently divorced persons need time to heal and to regain their emotional and
psychological balance, especially before considering another relationship.
Do not seek comfort in the arms of a stranger, as most people are extremely vulnerable following a break-up and could be struggling with major issues related to their self-esteem.
I have counselled many ladies who have fallen into this trap of rushing into another relationship in order to find comfort or to restore their battered self-esteem and their belief that they are still attractive and desirable, and in most cases their judgement has been in error and the situation has become far worse, more complex and stressful.
• Deal with the most pressing issues
Look to your finances.
Make sure that you have sufficient funds and a place to stay.
If you are not financially independent, your lawyer should assist in
ensuring that you receive the necessary assistance from your ex.
Consider assistance for your children. This may include taking them to a counsellor, social worker or psychologist.
Children are always affected by divorce, no matter what their age. They have very
specific needs related to love, security and stability, and divorce can result in later
behaviour problems at home and school.
• Re-assure your children
Divorce can cause children to become distrustful, insecure and in need of constant re-assurance that they are still important and loved by both parents.
They do not always understand divorce in the same way as adults and can also carry negative thoughts and feelings of shame, loss of self-image or self-esteem.
If they are old enough to understand, the situation should be explained to them, making it very clear that they are not to blame and they should not be afraid that the parents attitude towards them will change.
“Daddy and mommy are not going to live together anymore, but we still both love
you and will still look after you”.
Divorce is especially disturbing to children approaching adolescence, as it may deprive them of a role model and result in a change in financial status, possibly necessitating a move to smaller, cheaper lodgings or having to do without things to which they were accustomed.
This can seriously affect their self-image or self-esteem, leading to social withdrawal and behaviour problems. For the parent who regains custody of the children, their emotional needs and well-being should be seen as a priority.
• Consider counselling for yourself
Apart from very strong emotions, divorce can also result in negative thinking.
Thoughts such as “If I was only more attractive he wouldn’t have left” or “I just
can’t go on”, could persist and begin to break down your self-image and self-
esteem.
• Restore your feelings of self-worth, competence and control as soon as possible.
Guilt-ridden or self-destructive thinking can lead to depression. Negative
thoughts need to be confronted and challenged with the truth of the situation and
a strong belief that the right decision was made under the circumstances.
• Reach an arrangement
Following the finalisation of the divorce, one of the most common reactions could
be anger, resentment and a desire for revenge.
In some cases the ex-wife will cut off all ties with her ex-husband and the children can quickly become pawns in a power game designed to punish the errant husband for the pain that he has caused her.
He is either denied access to the children, or loses contact by means of the ex-wife relocating to another town or city in an attempt to make a new start or to avoid further pain.
Although this avoidance behaviour is understandable, in the long term, denying an ex-husband or partner access to the children could result in prolonged legal wrangles, bitterness and a tit-for-tat battle, as he will always use the one weapon over which he has control, the payment (or non-payment) of maintenance.
Although it is very difficult due to the strong emotions involved, it is very important that both parties agree to a fair arrangement with regards to the children as soon as possible, long before the finalisation of the divorce.
Part 2 on Divorce
• Coping skills for divorce
• If things are not proceeding well, it is possible to begin to feel depressed. In this situation, your mind may fill with unpleasant feelings and extremely self-defeating thoughts such as “no-one cares for me” or “ I am worthless”. You could also consider ‘giving up’ and lose the ability to express emotion and this can be dangerous.
• Changing your perspective on the divorce
You can change your perspective by reviewing the divorce with hindsight, clarity and a greater life experience.
The problem is that strong feelings can ‘colour’ any situation. During the breakup you were perhaps very angry and hurt and this set off a cycle of self-defeating thoughts.
However, a few months later, your emotions should have settled down a little and you may be able to see the whole situation more clearly and be able to accept that your breakup was inevitable and necessary.
You can regain a proper perspective on the divorce and possibly arrive at a new
understanding which will allow you to release self-defeating thoughts and beliefs
about yourself.
Try to recall the events leading up to the divorce as accurately as possible.
Try to maintain an emotional distance, recalling the situations as if you were viewing a DVD. Do not allow your emotions to enter into the equation.
Review the painful situations, remembering the self-defeating thoughts or beliefs you formed about yourself.
For example, ‘I failed as a wife’, or ‘I should have forgiven him’.
Reconsider each of your own self-judgments in the light of the following possibilities which are based on hindsight, clarity and reason :
The marriage took place when you were young and inexperienced.
The divorce involved circumstances beyond your control.
Looking at it with hindsight, there was nothing else you could have done.
You simply cannot take responsibility for the decision of others.
You made the best decision under the circumstances.
(This will involve you looking at other possible scenarios that could have played out if you had made a different decision.
For instance, ‘If I did stay with him, I would have been unhappy the rest of my life.’
‘If I had not divorced him he could have killed me’
‘I made a conscious decision’.
‘I was acting rationally and did not act impulsively’
Your aim is to come to understand that you did the best that you could under the circumstances and that you no longer have to beat yourself up about this.
In other words, to discover a new perspective on the divorce and come to the understanding that what you actually did was ‘OK’.
This thought will allow you to release those irrational beliefs or judgments linked to regret or self-blame that are weighing you down.
• Challenging unhelpful emotions
You can challenge unhelpful emotions using a Costs and benefits approach.
Identify the person or persons whom you are unable to forgive.
Review each emotion you have identified associated with the person(s) or event.
For example; resentment, anger, hatred or grief.
Examine the ‘costs’ and the ‘benefits’ of holding onto these emotions, to your present peace of mind, health, career and relationships.
Example 1. : Repressed anger and resentment
Benefits : Initially, anger directed at one’s ex-spouse or partner can be useful
in motivating you into action and providing the strength to get through the
difficult times.
Costs: However, over a period of time, holding onto these strong emotions
can affect your physical or psychological health.
Costs: An angry or resentful person is not pleasant to be with and people
may begin to avoid or isolate you.
Costs: Resentment and anger can also affect your responses to other
potential partners and the possibility of future relationships, making it
difficult to trust and love again.
Example 2: Grief and loss at the loss of the relationship.
Benefits: The urge to withdraw socially can allow you a measure of control
and time to heal.
Costs: However, avoiding contact with people over a long period is not
useful for anyone’s social life or career advancement.
Costs: A person who is ‘emotionally crippled’ by a divorce could have
difficulty finding enjoyment and happiness again.
Costs: Strong negative emotions which are unresolved can lead to
depression .
Notice that in most cases, the costs far outweigh the initial benefits.
Now review the emotions you have listed with the event and note the initial
benefits as well as the present costs of holding onto them.
Make a decision that the benefits are simply not worth the costs and choose to
forgive the person or to release the emotion.
The decision is to be made for your own sake and sanity, and not because you
believe he or she suddenly deserves forgiveness.
You can either do this consciously or by means of a small ritual in which you
symbolically wash your hands of the person(s) or emotion, or burn a letter, after you
have listed and verbalised (out loud) the reasons for your pain and what you are feeling
towards him/her/them.
• To assist you in this decision, consider the following:
You do not have to change your opinion of what originally happened.
What you are changing is only your long term response to the divorce.
He or she is not suddenly made righteous because you are letting go.
You are consciously choosing to release it because it is in your own best interests to do so.
• Challenging self-defeating thoughts
The intense emotions linked to past and present unpleasant events can activate a
series of self-defeating thoughts, including beliefs of being a failure, or of being
undesirable, unwanted or unloved.
For example: ‘I failed in this marriage’
‘I always fail’
‘I am a failure’
Unfortunately, this kind of thinking can seriously affect your self-esteem and
interactions with other people.
Another way of releasing or changing self-defeating thoughts, is to directly
challenge each statement. At the time the breakup of her relationship, you may
have been deeply affected and not objective at all. This affects your judgments,
especially of yourself. You could end up blaming yourself for things that were
said and done when it may not have been your fault at all.
You can dispute these irrational thoughts and beliefs on the basis or their simply being not accurate, unreasonable or untrue.
List the self-defeating thoughts, beliefs and ideas you are carrying as a result of
the divorce.
For instance: ‘I am a failure’
‘No one cares for me’
‘I will never find anyone else’
Using the power of hindsight, clarity and reason, question each belief in the
light of your present situation.
‘How accurate is my judgment of this situation?’
‘Is this really true?’
‘Is this really reasonable?’
‘Does it really happen this way in real-life?
‘Did this really apply to me?’
You will find that in most cases, that you were very upset when you formed
these thoughts or beliefs, not thinking rationally and are in all likelihood,
misguided, exaggerated, inaccurate or simply not true.
Search for the present realities in your life which dispute these negative beliefs.
For example:
‘I am not a failure. I have a wonderful family and am a good father/mother’
‘I have done many good things in my life’.
‘It is not true that no-one cares for me.’ ‘I have the support of my
family and many good friends.’
‘It is ridiculous for me to say that I will never find anyone else’
‘The reality is that I am a very popular person and have many
opportunities.’
Once you have affirmed your new reality, release the old beliefs by affirming
new positive truths about yourself.
For example:
‘I am not a failure’. ‘I am a hard working and dedicated person’
‘I am not useless’. ‘ I am a very valuable asset to my family and company’.
‘I was never worthless’. ‘I am worthy of love and happiness’
‘I intend to be the best that I can be’.
• Consciously affirm that the negative thoughts and beliefs belong to the past, to moments in time which are now gone. You will no longer allow them to control you.
• Planning
Re-look at all the positive aspects of your life and to decide on a realistic, measurable and attainable plan of action to get your life on track again.
This could involve becoming socially active again, finding a job and becoming financially independent or focussing on self-improvement.
Radio talk : Lotus fm : Cheating in your relationship
By Jimmy Henderson
The main reasons for cheating are :
• Dissatisfaction in the marriage or relationship (resulting from neglect , conflict or abuse) (One or both partners emotionally withdraw from relationship)
• Coupled with the availability of attractive alternatives.
2 main types of cheater- older married spouse who is dissatisfied in relationship or bored
Or younger unmarried ‘players’ (can be male or female)
• The power of the mind-once this dissatisfaction enters a relationship , it is easy to find excuses to cheat (called rationalising)
It is not working anyway
Its all his/her fault that this happened
He /she hasn’t left me with an option
I am entitled to happiness with someone else.
He/she does not love me I must find someone else
• Unless the relationship is strong, the dissatisfied person now become vulnerable to cheating and more open to the availability of attractive alternatives.
Q. What are the factors that can lead to cheating?
1. Dissatisfaction in the relationship
• A number of factors can work together to bring about this situation
The personalities of the partners
The quality of the relationship
The home and work situation
Social and cultural factors
First factor = Personality Traits
• There are a number of personality traits that can lead to breakdown in relationships
A low frustration tolerance or low stress threshold (resulting in conflict)
Low resistance to sexual temptation (resulting in a predisposition to cheat)
A depressed or anti-social personality or other disorders ( resulting in frustration or conflict )
A dominant, highly social or assertive personality (predisposed to flirting)
(Some guys and girls enjoy having multiple partners)
Also traits which make the person arrogant, impulsive, selfish,, unthinking and unfeeling (predisposition to neglect needs of partner)
A non-assertive or dependent spouse/ partner could also indirectly lead to cheating (cheater not afraid of consequences)
Q. Can you explain how some of these traits can lead to cheating?
Ans : Based on prior counselling experiences
• Arrogance
One partner decides that he/ she has a right to do as he/she pleases
(Goes out drinking or partying every evening on his/her own-the other partner becomes resentful and emotionally withdraws from the relationship) (passive–resistance)
One partner dominates the other and allows him/her no freedom of expression
(other partners needs are suppressed and he/she copes by withdrawing sexual
intimacy (usually woman) – can be conscious or subconscious decision )
This loss of intimacy now allows partner to find excuses for cheating
• Disrespect
Partners become disrespectful to each other
This can result in neglect, verbal, mental, or even physical abuse and emotional and once gain, emotional divorce or withdrawal from the relationship
(remember that conflict and unhappiness in the relationship is a fertile ground for
cheating as another friendlier person in social or work circle now suddenly becomes
more attractive)
• Selfishness
Partner/spouse feels neglected due to selfishness of other partner
(eg no effort to contribute to workload ) Can also lead to frustration and unhappiness
in the marriage or relationship
• Unappreciative
One of main causes of extra-marital affairs by men.
Men especially become frustrated when they feel they are not appreciated by their family for the work that they do and may seek or enjoy appreciation elsewhere
(with someone who ‘understands them’)
Makes them vulnerable to a clever lady who is looking for a good man and exploits
his unhappiness .
Some men are unable or unwilling to give praise and emotional support and this can also make a wife or partner frustrated and dissatisfied and also result in her succumbing to the praises of a manipulative man
• Untrustworthy / lack of integrity
These are your ‘players’ (personality and creates opportunities for cheating )
To a player cheating can even become a habit to boost self-image and esteem
Drinking or partying every evening and staying out late (creates opportunities for cheating and also makes a partner disillusioned with the relationship and vulnerable to the approaches of another more supportive person)
Impulsive and immature behaviour – he/she gets involved with other person without thinking it through (usually combined with drinking which lowers inhibitions)
Second factor -The quality of the relationship
• Partner/spouse could withdraw emotionally from the relationship
• Problems in the relationship creates fertile ground for an affair as the partner/spouse may seek companionship and to fulfill his/her emotional and sexual needs elsewhere
• Possible reasons
Lack of commitment to the relationship (He/ she does not want the relationship to continue - not really suited to start with ) (or arranged/forced marriage)
Disillusionment with the relationship (due to partner/spouse personality and behavior)
Verbal and emotional abuse (seeks comfort elsewhere)
Emotional neglect (seeks love elsewhere)
Lack of communication (no longer connecting)
Lack of actions demonstrating appreciation and love (feels neglected or rejected-seeks appreciation elsewhere)
(A genuine love and caring should be seen in everyday words and actions, such as
the way partners speak to and treat each other)
Lack of emotional support (the spouse/partner does not care)
(Partners should provide continual encouragement and emotional support and help each
other to achieve one another’s goals and dreams, whether in education, career or
personal growth)
Lack of Intimacy (sexual or emotional)
(A good relationship requires a sense of closeness and regular physical contact)
A loss of light-heartedness, excitement and fun in the relationship (leading to frustration and boredom)
Third factor- The home and work situation
• Home circumstances can add to a breakdown in the relationship
Too busy to give attention to spouse /partner (work demands)
Type of work enables cheating (Frequent travelling, socialising and parties)
Family values (Do the couple share same spiritual values?)
Family history – cheating and divorce may have taken place in parents home (modeling)
Drinking, drug use or pornography leads to loss of inhibitions and affects decision-making with regard to cheating
Sexual problems (emotional neglect can lead to loss of sexual intimacy)
Decline in sexual interest by one partner
Lack of attention to self (loss of attractiveness of spouse-partner)
Age differences (older partner)
Fourth factor -Social and cultural factors
• Social and community factors can encourage or discourage cheating.
Prevailing spiritual, moral and social values in the country and the community
Passed on family values and attitudes towards cheating –is it OK ?
Level to which the society judges or accepts cheating
Polygamous marriages allowed in some cultures (seeking additional partners)
Availability of counseling or professional services, church involvement (is there help for couples in crisis?)
Lax attitude of law enforcement and courts to cheating (illicit relationships tolerated)
The role of the media (newspapers, magazine, tabloids, TV) glamorise celebrity lifestyle –(cheating partners)
2. The availability of attractive alternatives.
• The grass is always greener on the other side
Person may be seeking a younger and more attractive partner (not committed to relationship)
Other men/women at work or social events always look and act their best
(unfair comparison to an older loyal partner who stays at home)
Some men/women actively pursue others, irrespective of their marital or relationship status (enjoy the player lifestyle)
• Work or lifestyle enables cheating
Frequent travelling
Job involves socialising and parties
• Available opportunities and temptations
Partner/spouse active in party and club scene (more temptations)
Combined with reduced inhibitions due to drink and drugs
Sex addictions (never satisfied with one partner)
What do you do when you find your spouse or partner has cheated?
A decision needs to be made
• You need to ask yourself the following questions
Can I live with this situation and still love this person
This can lead to co-dependency when a spouse or partner adjusts to the situation
because he /she feels there is no other option(financial or emotional dependency)
and cheating will continue)
Can this relationship be saved?
Are both partners willing to work at it and go for counselling (is there remorse?) is it once- off or still ongoing?
Can this person ever be faithful or is it his/her personality or nature to cheat?
Is it not better that I cut my losses and leave the relationship?
Could I ever love this person again knowing I cannot trust him/her?
How does this make me feel?
Do I blame myself for this? (Why) Why didn’t he/she discuss the problem with me?
Is it really my fault ?
*** Speaking to a counselor is very useful when you start questioning yourself)
(Lifeline or other services 031 -3122323)
•
If you both decide to try again you will need a plan
The plan should involve the following :
Seeing a counselor together ( if the partner is not willing , this is a sign that he/she is not really committed)
An attitude change-cheating partner need to show remorse and stop those actions or habits leading to cheating
Attitude change could involve the following :
Being more appreciative of each other
Being less selfish and more helpful
Learning to respect each other
Learning to handle conflict better
Trying to improve communication (spend more time talking and connecting again )
Trying to create a better environment in which each other’s needs can be met
See the book ‘The love dare’ –based on the DVD ‘Fireproof’ which mentions 40
steps involving unselfish acts which teach partners to value each other again)
Being willing and able to listen and to share your feelings, thoughts and concerns with each other.
• Or you may simply decide to end the relationship
Is there is no remorse, and the situation is serious and ongoing and destroying your personality, it may be better to cut your losses and leave the relationship or divorce
The support of family and friends will be very important
The services of a professional psychologist should be considered if you are experiencing anxiety or depression
If married or in a long-term relationship, you will need to seek legal advice as to your rights, maintenance and custody of the children if any
Conclusion:
Just because your spouse or lover has cheated does not make you a failure or a bad person. There are many reasons for cheating that we have discussed and you need to remember that you have a right to be happy and loved in the way that you would wish to be loved. Thank you
For my books and articles go to
www.jimmyhendersonbooks.blogspot.com .
References
Barlow, D.H.& Durand, V.M. (2002). Abnormal psychology: An integrated approach. (3rd ed.). Belmont : Wadsworth/Thompson Learning.
Hewstone et al (eds) (1985). Introduction to social psychology. UK : Blackwell.
Tesser, A.(Ed) (1995).Advanced social psychology. Macgraw Hill, Inc.
The love dare’ –based on the movie ‘Fireproof’ by Stephen and Alan Kendrick as discussed in ‘You’ Magazine 24 September
By Jimmy Henderson
The main reasons for cheating are :
• Dissatisfaction in the marriage or relationship (resulting from neglect , conflict or abuse) (One or both partners emotionally withdraw from relationship)
• Coupled with the availability of attractive alternatives.
2 main types of cheater- older married spouse who is dissatisfied in relationship or bored
Or younger unmarried ‘players’ (can be male or female)
• The power of the mind-once this dissatisfaction enters a relationship , it is easy to find excuses to cheat (called rationalising)
It is not working anyway
Its all his/her fault that this happened
He /she hasn’t left me with an option
I am entitled to happiness with someone else.
He/she does not love me I must find someone else
• Unless the relationship is strong, the dissatisfied person now become vulnerable to cheating and more open to the availability of attractive alternatives.
Q. What are the factors that can lead to cheating?
1. Dissatisfaction in the relationship
• A number of factors can work together to bring about this situation
The personalities of the partners
The quality of the relationship
The home and work situation
Social and cultural factors
First factor = Personality Traits
• There are a number of personality traits that can lead to breakdown in relationships
A low frustration tolerance or low stress threshold (resulting in conflict)
Low resistance to sexual temptation (resulting in a predisposition to cheat)
A depressed or anti-social personality or other disorders ( resulting in frustration or conflict )
A dominant, highly social or assertive personality (predisposed to flirting)
(Some guys and girls enjoy having multiple partners)
Also traits which make the person arrogant, impulsive, selfish,, unthinking and unfeeling (predisposition to neglect needs of partner)
A non-assertive or dependent spouse/ partner could also indirectly lead to cheating (cheater not afraid of consequences)
Q. Can you explain how some of these traits can lead to cheating?
Ans : Based on prior counselling experiences
• Arrogance
One partner decides that he/ she has a right to do as he/she pleases
(Goes out drinking or partying every evening on his/her own-the other partner becomes resentful and emotionally withdraws from the relationship) (passive–resistance)
One partner dominates the other and allows him/her no freedom of expression
(other partners needs are suppressed and he/she copes by withdrawing sexual
intimacy (usually woman) – can be conscious or subconscious decision )
This loss of intimacy now allows partner to find excuses for cheating
• Disrespect
Partners become disrespectful to each other
This can result in neglect, verbal, mental, or even physical abuse and emotional and once gain, emotional divorce or withdrawal from the relationship
(remember that conflict and unhappiness in the relationship is a fertile ground for
cheating as another friendlier person in social or work circle now suddenly becomes
more attractive)
• Selfishness
Partner/spouse feels neglected due to selfishness of other partner
(eg no effort to contribute to workload ) Can also lead to frustration and unhappiness
in the marriage or relationship
• Unappreciative
One of main causes of extra-marital affairs by men.
Men especially become frustrated when they feel they are not appreciated by their family for the work that they do and may seek or enjoy appreciation elsewhere
(with someone who ‘understands them’)
Makes them vulnerable to a clever lady who is looking for a good man and exploits
his unhappiness .
Some men are unable or unwilling to give praise and emotional support and this can also make a wife or partner frustrated and dissatisfied and also result in her succumbing to the praises of a manipulative man
• Untrustworthy / lack of integrity
These are your ‘players’ (personality and creates opportunities for cheating )
To a player cheating can even become a habit to boost self-image and esteem
Drinking or partying every evening and staying out late (creates opportunities for cheating and also makes a partner disillusioned with the relationship and vulnerable to the approaches of another more supportive person)
Impulsive and immature behaviour – he/she gets involved with other person without thinking it through (usually combined with drinking which lowers inhibitions)
Second factor -The quality of the relationship
• Partner/spouse could withdraw emotionally from the relationship
• Problems in the relationship creates fertile ground for an affair as the partner/spouse may seek companionship and to fulfill his/her emotional and sexual needs elsewhere
• Possible reasons
Lack of commitment to the relationship (He/ she does not want the relationship to continue - not really suited to start with ) (or arranged/forced marriage)
Disillusionment with the relationship (due to partner/spouse personality and behavior)
Verbal and emotional abuse (seeks comfort elsewhere)
Emotional neglect (seeks love elsewhere)
Lack of communication (no longer connecting)
Lack of actions demonstrating appreciation and love (feels neglected or rejected-seeks appreciation elsewhere)
(A genuine love and caring should be seen in everyday words and actions, such as
the way partners speak to and treat each other)
Lack of emotional support (the spouse/partner does not care)
(Partners should provide continual encouragement and emotional support and help each
other to achieve one another’s goals and dreams, whether in education, career or
personal growth)
Lack of Intimacy (sexual or emotional)
(A good relationship requires a sense of closeness and regular physical contact)
A loss of light-heartedness, excitement and fun in the relationship (leading to frustration and boredom)
Third factor- The home and work situation
• Home circumstances can add to a breakdown in the relationship
Too busy to give attention to spouse /partner (work demands)
Type of work enables cheating (Frequent travelling, socialising and parties)
Family values (Do the couple share same spiritual values?)
Family history – cheating and divorce may have taken place in parents home (modeling)
Drinking, drug use or pornography leads to loss of inhibitions and affects decision-making with regard to cheating
Sexual problems (emotional neglect can lead to loss of sexual intimacy)
Decline in sexual interest by one partner
Lack of attention to self (loss of attractiveness of spouse-partner)
Age differences (older partner)
Fourth factor -Social and cultural factors
• Social and community factors can encourage or discourage cheating.
Prevailing spiritual, moral and social values in the country and the community
Passed on family values and attitudes towards cheating –is it OK ?
Level to which the society judges or accepts cheating
Polygamous marriages allowed in some cultures (seeking additional partners)
Availability of counseling or professional services, church involvement (is there help for couples in crisis?)
Lax attitude of law enforcement and courts to cheating (illicit relationships tolerated)
The role of the media (newspapers, magazine, tabloids, TV) glamorise celebrity lifestyle –(cheating partners)
2. The availability of attractive alternatives.
• The grass is always greener on the other side
Person may be seeking a younger and more attractive partner (not committed to relationship)
Other men/women at work or social events always look and act their best
(unfair comparison to an older loyal partner who stays at home)
Some men/women actively pursue others, irrespective of their marital or relationship status (enjoy the player lifestyle)
• Work or lifestyle enables cheating
Frequent travelling
Job involves socialising and parties
• Available opportunities and temptations
Partner/spouse active in party and club scene (more temptations)
Combined with reduced inhibitions due to drink and drugs
Sex addictions (never satisfied with one partner)
What do you do when you find your spouse or partner has cheated?
A decision needs to be made
• You need to ask yourself the following questions
Can I live with this situation and still love this person
This can lead to co-dependency when a spouse or partner adjusts to the situation
because he /she feels there is no other option(financial or emotional dependency)
and cheating will continue)
Can this relationship be saved?
Are both partners willing to work at it and go for counselling (is there remorse?) is it once- off or still ongoing?
Can this person ever be faithful or is it his/her personality or nature to cheat?
Is it not better that I cut my losses and leave the relationship?
Could I ever love this person again knowing I cannot trust him/her?
How does this make me feel?
Do I blame myself for this? (Why) Why didn’t he/she discuss the problem with me?
Is it really my fault ?
*** Speaking to a counselor is very useful when you start questioning yourself)
(Lifeline or other services 031 -3122323)
•
If you both decide to try again you will need a plan
The plan should involve the following :
Seeing a counselor together ( if the partner is not willing , this is a sign that he/she is not really committed)
An attitude change-cheating partner need to show remorse and stop those actions or habits leading to cheating
Attitude change could involve the following :
Being more appreciative of each other
Being less selfish and more helpful
Learning to respect each other
Learning to handle conflict better
Trying to improve communication (spend more time talking and connecting again )
Trying to create a better environment in which each other’s needs can be met
See the book ‘The love dare’ –based on the DVD ‘Fireproof’ which mentions 40
steps involving unselfish acts which teach partners to value each other again)
Being willing and able to listen and to share your feelings, thoughts and concerns with each other.
• Or you may simply decide to end the relationship
Is there is no remorse, and the situation is serious and ongoing and destroying your personality, it may be better to cut your losses and leave the relationship or divorce
The support of family and friends will be very important
The services of a professional psychologist should be considered if you are experiencing anxiety or depression
If married or in a long-term relationship, you will need to seek legal advice as to your rights, maintenance and custody of the children if any
Conclusion:
Just because your spouse or lover has cheated does not make you a failure or a bad person. There are many reasons for cheating that we have discussed and you need to remember that you have a right to be happy and loved in the way that you would wish to be loved. Thank you
For my books and articles go to
www.jimmyhendersonbooks.blogspot.com .
References
Barlow, D.H.& Durand, V.M. (2002). Abnormal psychology: An integrated approach. (3rd ed.). Belmont : Wadsworth/Thompson Learning.
Hewstone et al (eds) (1985). Introduction to social psychology. UK : Blackwell.
Tesser, A.(Ed) (1995).Advanced social psychology. Macgraw Hill, Inc.
The love dare’ –based on the movie ‘Fireproof’ by Stephen and Alan Kendrick as discussed in ‘You’ Magazine 24 September
LOTUS FM
Specific skills for parents of teens (improving communication and relationships)
By Jimmy Henderson
A, B, C
• A - Attitude
An attitude change on the part of parents may be required to improve
communication and rebuild relationships.
Take your teenager seriously. Be prepared to make time for him or her.
Show unconditional love (I love you no matter what). Teens can be very sensitive and will quickly sense if they are being judged and rejected because they are not performing or ‘not good enough’.
Unconditional love also means being prepared to spend time and patience with your teen and supporting him or her even if you are not very happy with his or her behaviour at times.
Become less critical (more accepting). Unreasonable expectations from parents, especially with regard to school performance, have also been known to drive teenagers into behaviour problems, depression and even to suicide.
Try to be more concerned, empathetic, compassionate and involved in their lives.
Behave more like a person who can be respected.(demonstrate integrity and trustworthiness)
• B -Building or rebuilding the relationship
The most important task is to regain their trust and respect.
This means acknowledging them as people and trying to meet their growing needs for respect and independence by slowly giving them more freedom and privileges as they get older.
This will be a slow process in which the respect and trust of the teen will need to be earned by means of a good example, genuine concern and integrity.
Teens are very observant and will be quick to point out any discrepancy in the behaviour of adults, and only those adults who are genuine in their concern and who behave consistently and with integrity, will pass the ‘teen respect test’.
A little understanding of their specific personality, problems and needs will go a long way in building or re-building a relationship.
• Build up a knowledge and understanding of teenage
behaviour and problems.
Make use of the library, support groups and the internet
Gain as much knowledge as you can about teenage development, their needs for self-esteem, acceptance, respect and independence.
Read up on teenage anxiety and depression and know what you will be
dealing with if it happens.
Educate yourself further with regard to what to do to help in such cases.
Discipline :
Teenagers do not normally respond well to the use of force or threats, as this threatens the self-image they are attempting to build up of themselves as independent and coping individuals.
Sometimes the secret to gaining their trust and co-operation is merely timing, knowing when to approach and when and how to confront on an issue.
In some cases, when confronted openly, they will either fight back with strong arguments, anger and resentment or flee into withdrawal.
With teens, the emphasis should shift more towards discussion, guidance and co-operation with regard to the rules and limits set by parents rather than expecting total and unconditional obedience.
Teens are very subject to mood swings and sometimes parents just need to learn not to react too quickly to negative attitudes or rude behaviour, which can pass quickly.
Teens will respond reasonably well to advice that is given honestly, without judgment and without long lecturing
As the teenager grows older and more mature, he or she should be allowed greater freedom. Once again, understanding their needs for independence (within reason) and their feelings on being ‘socially acceptable’, will help.
• Support
Parents need to understand that teens do lack experience and it is our role to empower them in developing coping and life skills, by slowly giving them more and more responsibility and positive guidance.
A preparedness to support and assist, be it with social problems, transport, time, or finances, builds trust over time.
If there are very real problems with school performance, drugs or alcohol, they should rather be addressed with the help of the relevant school, institution or a professional.
Provide encouragement, not judgment.
If the teenager is upset, offer support by showing a genuine interest and acting with empathy and compassion.
Teens respond well to support and positive reinforcement (praise). In other words, this means supporting them in their academics, interests and sporting endeavours and being prepared to boost them emotionally and psychologically wherever possible (praise).
Positive involvement in their lives means giving guidance without being too invasive or directive.
Help them to explore better ways of handling difficult situations in their lives.
Teens do require quite a degree of privacy. This allows them to create a personal space which identifies them as an individual with their own rights.
Allow the teenager to make some decisions as to their own future.
• C --Communication skills :
Develop the necessary skills to deal with difficult situations.
Attend talks and workshops
Attend parent suicide support groups
• Observational skills and body language (non-verbal)
There is a close relationship between thoughts, emotions and body language.
By reading body language, you will be able to accurately see the warning signs of
suicidal emotions and thoughts.
• A B C method
A = Awareness .
Focus and attention required (be aware and on the lookout).
B = Body Language
There is a close relationship between thoughts, emotions and body
language.
Rules- Use your peripheral vision (obtain a holistic view)
Do not interpret isolated gestures.
Messages occur in ‘clusters’(combination of body/face reactions)
(all parts of the body are involved)
External causes- You may be causing the discomfort in the
teenager (You may be coming across as aggressive or judgmental)
Body posture (closing up arms and legs)
This closure of the body suggests defensive behaviour or the
presence of a threat (negative thoughts or emotions)
Body orientation ( The way in which body is facing )
Turning your body away from someone person suggests discomfort,
or distrust). This can include avoiding eye contact.
Body tension and voice ( Tension indicates strong emotions)
Tension is revealed by restlessness, clenching or wringing the
hands, shuffling feet or rubbing arms or legs.
Short breaths also indicate tension and anxiety.
The voice also indicates tension (quivering, tone and pitch)
Facial expression and voice ( This indicates specific emotions )
Unique combination of facial contractions is associated with each
different emotion (anger, sadness, fear etc)
Role of Context - sudden changes
Sudden changes in body posture, tension , voice or orientation
suggest something has been said which upsets the teenager.
Look at the context of what has been said (eg talking about his/her
schoolwork and the teenager’s body language changes- tenses up.
This indicates an area of concern.
C = Consider his/her viewpoint
Look at your body language from the teenager’s point of view.
(The same rules apply to a parent)
The teenager may be looking for reasons not to trust the parent and
sense our true attitudes and feelings from our body language.
Continually ask yourself the following questions:
Q. What unconscious messages am I sending to him or her ?
Does my body language show that I am concerned about him/ her?
Normally ‘empathy and concern’ is suggested by sitting reasonably
close (about 1 to 1.5 metres away) leaning towards the other person,
showing no defensive postures, and having a concerned expression
on your face.
• Listening
The purpose of effective listening
It builds trust (shows concern)
The parent can obtain information on the teenagers’s emotions,
thoughts and behavior which could suggest underlying problems or a
suicide risk.
It encourages the teen to disclose the facts (to be truthful)
• Key skills of listening
Awareness
Listen carefully to what words are said or implied, how it is
being said (tone), as well as what is not being said (avoidance)
(This is called focus and attention).
Body language (focus and attention)
Use your body language to indicate that you are concerned and
actually listening.
Feedback and reflection
Reflect back what you believe he or she is saying or what you think it
means.
This builds trust and rapport and helps re-establish the relationship.
Different skills of reflection
Para language ( no real words are used )
This involves responding at appropriate times to the teenager as he /she speaks with sounds or words such as ‘Ummm’ , ‘yes’ ‘I see’ ‘I understand’
This type of response lets the teenager know that you are listening to him
or her.
And also prompts or encourages him or her to continue.
Key word repetition
This involves highlighting key words which you feel are important.
Teenager : ‘ I feel so rejected’
Parent : ‘rejected ?’ (Key word repetition)
Teenager : ‘yes I feel no-one listens to me’
This response also prompts the teenager to continue
And allows him/her to be aware of what he/she has said.
The teenager also has the opportunity to clarify if he /she feels
misunderstood.
Reflection of a sentence (more than one word)
Teenager : ‘ I feel so rejected’
Parent : ‘You feel rejected’
Teenager : ‘yes, I feel no-one listens to me’
Para-phrasing
This means rephrasing ( or interpreting) what your teen has said, in your own words.
This indicates that that you are understanding as well as listening.
Teenager : ‘I told her I can't live without her’
Parent : ‘You really love her’ (paraphrasing)
Teenager : ‘Yes, I can’t think of life without her’
Lead-ins
You can also use ‘linking’ sentences (called lead-ins) such as ‘let me try
to understand’ or ‘Do you mean that….. ’ to join up the conversation
and to introduce questions or ideas.
Immediacy
This means giving feedback to the teenager on what you are experiencing as a result of his or her words or emotional state .
Teenager : ‘Actually I don't care if she goes or not " .
Parent : ‘I feel that you are angry with her’
Immediacy allows you to rephrase teenagers words into emotions
The use of silence
Your should encourage the teenager to talk and not take over the conversation. Pausing or keeping quiet at emotional moments gives them time to think and respond to what has been said.
Teenager : ‘and so when I saw her again I went to pieces’.
Parent : ‘you still love her’ ……… (paraphrase and silence)
Teenager : (breaks down ) ‘Of course I still love her .’
• Questioning skills
Do not question too early, first build a relationship.
Spend a little time just reflecting and engaging in casual conversation
before putting the teenager under pressure with direct questions.
Integrate your reflection with questioning
Do not ask too many questions
Use reflection together with questioning - this is far less threatening.
Teenager : ‘I feel lost’
Parent : ‘you feel lost ‘(reflection)
Teenager : ‘yes’
Parent : ‘What happened to make you feel like this? (question)
Questions should be non-threatening
Avoid the use of ‘why’ (why did you do it’ –this can be experienced as
threatening and judgmental)
Rather use ‘what happened?’ (facts –no judgment)
Use ‘open’ questions
Do not turn the conversation into a quiz show or question and answer
session. Avoid questions which can be answered with a simple yes or no.
The teenager should be encouraged to do about 80% of the talking, in
order to bring out what is ‘bottled up’ continuously and a free flow of
emotion and thoughts.
Parent : ‘Tell me what happened’ (open-ended)
Use of silence
Silence can also be used during questioning.
Ask the question and allow plenty of time for an answer.
Do not force the issue.
• Dealing with feelings
The teenager should be encouraged to identify, express and share feelings.
This need to be done with concern, empathy and compassion.
(Use gentle voice tones and a ‘concerned’ body language)
(non-threatening)
(Learn to combine reflection with questions)
Parent : ‘You feel upset’, (reflection )
Teenager ‘Yes , I am terribly upset’.
Parent : ‘What is it that you are feeling ?’ (questioning).
As he/she responds, use other techniques such as reflection to link up the
questions. For example, para language "Uumm " , "ah" , "I see", I
understand’ etc and word repetition, such as ‘you felt rejected’
• Dealing with thoughts
The teenager should also be encouraged to identify, express and share
negative thoughts
(Continue with a concerned voice tones and good body language)
(non-threatening)
(Once again, combine reflection with your questions)
Search for the negative thoughts underlying the negative feelings.
Parent : ‘What was the thought going through your mind at the time?’
‘What were you thinking at the time?’
‘What did you tell yourself?’
Challenge negative thoughts and perceptions
Identify the sentences of negative self-talk and assist the teenager to see
that these are ‘perceptions’ of themselves or their situation, and are not
necessarily true or even accurate.
Teenager : ‘I am worthless’ (negative self-talk)
Parent : ‘You are not worthless. See how well you have done in the past’
Teenager : ‘I am alone and no one cares’
Parent : ‘You are not alone.’ ‘We all love you and will support you’.
• Conflict resolution skills
If the situation has become a conflict, there are special ways of defusing the situation.
Keep the conversation ‘light’ and your body language non-threatening.
‘Smile a lot’. A smiling face is also less threatening and
confrontational than a scowl. Keep the conversation light and even
use humour to avoid or resolve a potential conflict, especially in
highly charged situations. Make sure that your body language is
non-aggressive and open.
Use non threatening language :
Your teenager will react negatively is he or she feels accused,
threatened or criticised.
A simple skill that can be learnt is the use of ‘I feel’ language.
This is when you describe what you are feeling or experiencing from
the situation without being angry, critical or accusing the teenager.
For example :
Parent : ‘I feel concerned because you are not facing up to the problem’
Instead of ‘I am sick and tired of you running away’
Parent : ‘I feel upset that you are not trusting us’
Instead of ‘You just do what you want to do’.
Respond with empathy.
If you are always abrupt and unsympathetic, you can expect a
negative reaction. Always express your concern for your child.
For example: ‘We are very concerned about you’.
‘We want to help you’
You can even learn to say NO ! with empathy.
For example :
Parent : ‘I really want to help you but I feel this is not the right decision at
this time’
Instead of ‘NO !! Go away’
Remain in control of your own emotions
Do not allow your first response to conflict to be anger.
Tell yourself you are in control and remain calm.
Do not argue back, try to listen and give your teenager the
opportunity to ‘unpack’what he or she is feeling or thinking.
(offer no resistence )
Try to reflect the feelings and thoughts whilst he or she is talking.
If you are listening and not arguing back, it is not seen as threatening.
You will have the opportunity to state your case later when he/she has
calmed down. (Good timing is very important with teenagers)
Example:
Teenager : ‘you never listen to me , you hate me’
Parent : ‘ I can see you are upset (reflection) but
you need to tell me what is the problem.’
Teenager : ‘you always ridicule me in front of other people.’
Parent : ‘You are saying that you feel humiliated when I talk
about you?’ (paraphrasing)
Teenager : ‘I want nothing to do with you’
Parent : ‘You are upset and need to tell me what is the problem’
(reflection)
(Remember, no resistance = no negative reaction)
It also useful to ask yourself if there is any truth in what he/she is saying
about you.
This is not a time for false pride. If he or she is correct, apologise.
This can ‘disarm’ the teenager.
‘You are right, I have not listened in the past, but I’m listening now’.
Specific skills for parents of teens (improving communication and relationships)
By Jimmy Henderson
A, B, C
• A - Attitude
An attitude change on the part of parents may be required to improve
communication and rebuild relationships.
Take your teenager seriously. Be prepared to make time for him or her.
Show unconditional love (I love you no matter what). Teens can be very sensitive and will quickly sense if they are being judged and rejected because they are not performing or ‘not good enough’.
Unconditional love also means being prepared to spend time and patience with your teen and supporting him or her even if you are not very happy with his or her behaviour at times.
Become less critical (more accepting). Unreasonable expectations from parents, especially with regard to school performance, have also been known to drive teenagers into behaviour problems, depression and even to suicide.
Try to be more concerned, empathetic, compassionate and involved in their lives.
Behave more like a person who can be respected.(demonstrate integrity and trustworthiness)
• B -Building or rebuilding the relationship
The most important task is to regain their trust and respect.
This means acknowledging them as people and trying to meet their growing needs for respect and independence by slowly giving them more freedom and privileges as they get older.
This will be a slow process in which the respect and trust of the teen will need to be earned by means of a good example, genuine concern and integrity.
Teens are very observant and will be quick to point out any discrepancy in the behaviour of adults, and only those adults who are genuine in their concern and who behave consistently and with integrity, will pass the ‘teen respect test’.
A little understanding of their specific personality, problems and needs will go a long way in building or re-building a relationship.
• Build up a knowledge and understanding of teenage
behaviour and problems.
Make use of the library, support groups and the internet
Gain as much knowledge as you can about teenage development, their needs for self-esteem, acceptance, respect and independence.
Read up on teenage anxiety and depression and know what you will be
dealing with if it happens.
Educate yourself further with regard to what to do to help in such cases.
Discipline :
Teenagers do not normally respond well to the use of force or threats, as this threatens the self-image they are attempting to build up of themselves as independent and coping individuals.
Sometimes the secret to gaining their trust and co-operation is merely timing, knowing when to approach and when and how to confront on an issue.
In some cases, when confronted openly, they will either fight back with strong arguments, anger and resentment or flee into withdrawal.
With teens, the emphasis should shift more towards discussion, guidance and co-operation with regard to the rules and limits set by parents rather than expecting total and unconditional obedience.
Teens are very subject to mood swings and sometimes parents just need to learn not to react too quickly to negative attitudes or rude behaviour, which can pass quickly.
Teens will respond reasonably well to advice that is given honestly, without judgment and without long lecturing
As the teenager grows older and more mature, he or she should be allowed greater freedom. Once again, understanding their needs for independence (within reason) and their feelings on being ‘socially acceptable’, will help.
• Support
Parents need to understand that teens do lack experience and it is our role to empower them in developing coping and life skills, by slowly giving them more and more responsibility and positive guidance.
A preparedness to support and assist, be it with social problems, transport, time, or finances, builds trust over time.
If there are very real problems with school performance, drugs or alcohol, they should rather be addressed with the help of the relevant school, institution or a professional.
Provide encouragement, not judgment.
If the teenager is upset, offer support by showing a genuine interest and acting with empathy and compassion.
Teens respond well to support and positive reinforcement (praise). In other words, this means supporting them in their academics, interests and sporting endeavours and being prepared to boost them emotionally and psychologically wherever possible (praise).
Positive involvement in their lives means giving guidance without being too invasive or directive.
Help them to explore better ways of handling difficult situations in their lives.
Teens do require quite a degree of privacy. This allows them to create a personal space which identifies them as an individual with their own rights.
Allow the teenager to make some decisions as to their own future.
• C --Communication skills :
Develop the necessary skills to deal with difficult situations.
Attend talks and workshops
Attend parent suicide support groups
• Observational skills and body language (non-verbal)
There is a close relationship between thoughts, emotions and body language.
By reading body language, you will be able to accurately see the warning signs of
suicidal emotions and thoughts.
• A B C method
A = Awareness .
Focus and attention required (be aware and on the lookout).
B = Body Language
There is a close relationship between thoughts, emotions and body
language.
Rules- Use your peripheral vision (obtain a holistic view)
Do not interpret isolated gestures.
Messages occur in ‘clusters’(combination of body/face reactions)
(all parts of the body are involved)
External causes- You may be causing the discomfort in the
teenager (You may be coming across as aggressive or judgmental)
Body posture (closing up arms and legs)
This closure of the body suggests defensive behaviour or the
presence of a threat (negative thoughts or emotions)
Body orientation ( The way in which body is facing )
Turning your body away from someone person suggests discomfort,
or distrust). This can include avoiding eye contact.
Body tension and voice ( Tension indicates strong emotions)
Tension is revealed by restlessness, clenching or wringing the
hands, shuffling feet or rubbing arms or legs.
Short breaths also indicate tension and anxiety.
The voice also indicates tension (quivering, tone and pitch)
Facial expression and voice ( This indicates specific emotions )
Unique combination of facial contractions is associated with each
different emotion (anger, sadness, fear etc)
Role of Context - sudden changes
Sudden changes in body posture, tension , voice or orientation
suggest something has been said which upsets the teenager.
Look at the context of what has been said (eg talking about his/her
schoolwork and the teenager’s body language changes- tenses up.
This indicates an area of concern.
C = Consider his/her viewpoint
Look at your body language from the teenager’s point of view.
(The same rules apply to a parent)
The teenager may be looking for reasons not to trust the parent and
sense our true attitudes and feelings from our body language.
Continually ask yourself the following questions:
Q. What unconscious messages am I sending to him or her ?
Does my body language show that I am concerned about him/ her?
Normally ‘empathy and concern’ is suggested by sitting reasonably
close (about 1 to 1.5 metres away) leaning towards the other person,
showing no defensive postures, and having a concerned expression
on your face.
• Listening
The purpose of effective listening
It builds trust (shows concern)
The parent can obtain information on the teenagers’s emotions,
thoughts and behavior which could suggest underlying problems or a
suicide risk.
It encourages the teen to disclose the facts (to be truthful)
• Key skills of listening
Awareness
Listen carefully to what words are said or implied, how it is
being said (tone), as well as what is not being said (avoidance)
(This is called focus and attention).
Body language (focus and attention)
Use your body language to indicate that you are concerned and
actually listening.
Feedback and reflection
Reflect back what you believe he or she is saying or what you think it
means.
This builds trust and rapport and helps re-establish the relationship.
Different skills of reflection
Para language ( no real words are used )
This involves responding at appropriate times to the teenager as he /she speaks with sounds or words such as ‘Ummm’ , ‘yes’ ‘I see’ ‘I understand’
This type of response lets the teenager know that you are listening to him
or her.
And also prompts or encourages him or her to continue.
Key word repetition
This involves highlighting key words which you feel are important.
Teenager : ‘ I feel so rejected’
Parent : ‘rejected ?’ (Key word repetition)
Teenager : ‘yes I feel no-one listens to me’
This response also prompts the teenager to continue
And allows him/her to be aware of what he/she has said.
The teenager also has the opportunity to clarify if he /she feels
misunderstood.
Reflection of a sentence (more than one word)
Teenager : ‘ I feel so rejected’
Parent : ‘You feel rejected’
Teenager : ‘yes, I feel no-one listens to me’
Para-phrasing
This means rephrasing ( or interpreting) what your teen has said, in your own words.
This indicates that that you are understanding as well as listening.
Teenager : ‘I told her I can't live without her’
Parent : ‘You really love her’ (paraphrasing)
Teenager : ‘Yes, I can’t think of life without her’
Lead-ins
You can also use ‘linking’ sentences (called lead-ins) such as ‘let me try
to understand’ or ‘Do you mean that….. ’ to join up the conversation
and to introduce questions or ideas.
Immediacy
This means giving feedback to the teenager on what you are experiencing as a result of his or her words or emotional state .
Teenager : ‘Actually I don't care if she goes or not " .
Parent : ‘I feel that you are angry with her’
Immediacy allows you to rephrase teenagers words into emotions
The use of silence
Your should encourage the teenager to talk and not take over the conversation. Pausing or keeping quiet at emotional moments gives them time to think and respond to what has been said.
Teenager : ‘and so when I saw her again I went to pieces’.
Parent : ‘you still love her’ ……… (paraphrase and silence)
Teenager : (breaks down ) ‘Of course I still love her .’
• Questioning skills
Do not question too early, first build a relationship.
Spend a little time just reflecting and engaging in casual conversation
before putting the teenager under pressure with direct questions.
Integrate your reflection with questioning
Do not ask too many questions
Use reflection together with questioning - this is far less threatening.
Teenager : ‘I feel lost’
Parent : ‘you feel lost ‘(reflection)
Teenager : ‘yes’
Parent : ‘What happened to make you feel like this? (question)
Questions should be non-threatening
Avoid the use of ‘why’ (why did you do it’ –this can be experienced as
threatening and judgmental)
Rather use ‘what happened?’ (facts –no judgment)
Use ‘open’ questions
Do not turn the conversation into a quiz show or question and answer
session. Avoid questions which can be answered with a simple yes or no.
The teenager should be encouraged to do about 80% of the talking, in
order to bring out what is ‘bottled up’ continuously and a free flow of
emotion and thoughts.
Parent : ‘Tell me what happened’ (open-ended)
Use of silence
Silence can also be used during questioning.
Ask the question and allow plenty of time for an answer.
Do not force the issue.
• Dealing with feelings
The teenager should be encouraged to identify, express and share feelings.
This need to be done with concern, empathy and compassion.
(Use gentle voice tones and a ‘concerned’ body language)
(non-threatening)
(Learn to combine reflection with questions)
Parent : ‘You feel upset’, (reflection )
Teenager ‘Yes , I am terribly upset’.
Parent : ‘What is it that you are feeling ?’ (questioning).
As he/she responds, use other techniques such as reflection to link up the
questions. For example, para language "Uumm " , "ah" , "I see", I
understand’ etc and word repetition, such as ‘you felt rejected’
• Dealing with thoughts
The teenager should also be encouraged to identify, express and share
negative thoughts
(Continue with a concerned voice tones and good body language)
(non-threatening)
(Once again, combine reflection with your questions)
Search for the negative thoughts underlying the negative feelings.
Parent : ‘What was the thought going through your mind at the time?’
‘What were you thinking at the time?’
‘What did you tell yourself?’
Challenge negative thoughts and perceptions
Identify the sentences of negative self-talk and assist the teenager to see
that these are ‘perceptions’ of themselves or their situation, and are not
necessarily true or even accurate.
Teenager : ‘I am worthless’ (negative self-talk)
Parent : ‘You are not worthless. See how well you have done in the past’
Teenager : ‘I am alone and no one cares’
Parent : ‘You are not alone.’ ‘We all love you and will support you’.
• Conflict resolution skills
If the situation has become a conflict, there are special ways of defusing the situation.
Keep the conversation ‘light’ and your body language non-threatening.
‘Smile a lot’. A smiling face is also less threatening and
confrontational than a scowl. Keep the conversation light and even
use humour to avoid or resolve a potential conflict, especially in
highly charged situations. Make sure that your body language is
non-aggressive and open.
Use non threatening language :
Your teenager will react negatively is he or she feels accused,
threatened or criticised.
A simple skill that can be learnt is the use of ‘I feel’ language.
This is when you describe what you are feeling or experiencing from
the situation without being angry, critical or accusing the teenager.
For example :
Parent : ‘I feel concerned because you are not facing up to the problem’
Instead of ‘I am sick and tired of you running away’
Parent : ‘I feel upset that you are not trusting us’
Instead of ‘You just do what you want to do’.
Respond with empathy.
If you are always abrupt and unsympathetic, you can expect a
negative reaction. Always express your concern for your child.
For example: ‘We are very concerned about you’.
‘We want to help you’
You can even learn to say NO ! with empathy.
For example :
Parent : ‘I really want to help you but I feel this is not the right decision at
this time’
Instead of ‘NO !! Go away’
Remain in control of your own emotions
Do not allow your first response to conflict to be anger.
Tell yourself you are in control and remain calm.
Do not argue back, try to listen and give your teenager the
opportunity to ‘unpack’what he or she is feeling or thinking.
(offer no resistence )
Try to reflect the feelings and thoughts whilst he or she is talking.
If you are listening and not arguing back, it is not seen as threatening.
You will have the opportunity to state your case later when he/she has
calmed down. (Good timing is very important with teenagers)
Example:
Teenager : ‘you never listen to me , you hate me’
Parent : ‘ I can see you are upset (reflection) but
you need to tell me what is the problem.’
Teenager : ‘you always ridicule me in front of other people.’
Parent : ‘You are saying that you feel humiliated when I talk
about you?’ (paraphrasing)
Teenager : ‘I want nothing to do with you’
Parent : ‘You are upset and need to tell me what is the problem’
(reflection)
(Remember, no resistance = no negative reaction)
It also useful to ask yourself if there is any truth in what he/she is saying
about you.
This is not a time for false pride. If he or she is correct, apologise.
This can ‘disarm’ the teenager.
‘You are right, I have not listened in the past, but I’m listening now’.
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