Advice for the recently divorced

By Jimmy Henderson

Although I am focusing on divorce, this information will also apply to other cases where partners have ended long-term relationships.
Even if it is a conscious decision taken by both partners, divorce can be a very painful process. What you are experiencing is the loss of an important part of your life, a time when you shared your feelings and trust on the most intimate level possible. Divorce is very high up on the scale of stressful life-events and you are most likely to be experiencing extreme stress and a variety of intense emotions. This is all part of the process of trying to cope and to adjust, which unfortunately, can sometimes take years. The type of emotions you are most likely to experience are intense anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal, or else feelings of despondence, helplessness and despair, depending on the circumstances involved and your own individual response. These emotions will persist before, during and even after the actual divorce proceedings.
The following are a few guidelines which may assist you to cope and make the adjustment to a new life.
First, do not ignore or deny these emotions and feelings, but own up to them by admitting ‘Yes, I am angry’ or ‘Yes, I do feel lost and abandoned’ and be prepared to work through your pain with a trusted friend or family member, a counsellor or a professional therapist. It is very important that these emotions and feelings be vented and released through crying or talking and not repressed, as they will simply find other ways to express themselves, such as in illness or depression.
Second, you need to accept the offers of comfort and support from colleagues, close friends and family. What you do not want to do is to immediately seek this comfort in the arms of a stranger, as most people, especially women, are extremely vulnerable following a break-up and you may be struggling with issues related to your self-worth and self-esteem which may affect your judgement. Allow yourself the time to heal and to regain your emotional and psychological composure before considering another relationship.
Third, apart from strong emotions, divorce can also result in negative thinking. Self-defeating thoughts or beliefs such as ‘I am a failure’ or ‘I will never be happy again’ are common in such situations and could affect your self-image and feelings of self-worth. These thoughts, if left unchallenged, can lead to depression. They need to be confronted and challenged with your own personal truth, with positive self-affirmations such as the undeniable fact that you are a good person who is worthy of love and a strong belief that your decision was the right one under the circumstances.
Fourth, your children will also be affected by your divorce, no matter what their age. Small children have very specific needs related to love, security and stability and will be in need of constant re-assurance that they are still important and loved by both parents. Adolescent children may now be deprived of a role model and the divorce could result in financial hardship which can affect their self-image and self esteem.
Couples will also need to avoid transferring any bitterness to the children by not denigrating each other in a tit-for-tat battle in which there can be no winners.
Finally, I wish to offer a few words of hope and encouragement. If you look around, you will see that you are not alone in this experience. By having the love and support of your family and friends, you can get through this difficult time. You can also aid in your own recovery by looking at the positive aspects of your life and committing to a realistic and attainable plan of action to get back on track again. This plan could include becoming more involved in the community, socialising with your friends and focusing on your career or self-improvement. You may later even reach a new understanding of your situation and discover some meaning in what has taken place. Remember that you are a child of the universe and worthy of love and happiness.



Jimmy Henderson a trained trauma counsellor and regular radio talk show guest. He is the author of a self-help book entitled ‘Multi-Dimensional Thinking’ which is available at most bookshops.