Assisting your children in a positive way
By Jimmy Henderson
I fully understand that, as parents, we are all finding it increasingly difficult to rear children in a world where there are so many demands, so much stress, crime and confusion. Things are not the same as they were years ago and we all need special skills in dealing with problems related to our children. Over the next few issues I will be dealing with some of the problems most commonly experienced by our children and looking at ways of understanding and empowering them in their thinking and behaviour. This issue will be especially dedicated to younger children and in the later issues I will deal with teenage problems and better ways to communicate and relate to our teens.
Children form part of a complex family and social set-up. Problems occurring early on in life can lead to bigger issues later on. In other words, "problem children" can often become problem teenagers. I will therefore need to deal firstly with issues that develop during early childhood.
There appears to be some confusion as to exactly how to deal with behaviour problems when children are young. There are many new fads about on how to "make friends with your young children" or to allow them the "freedom to be themselves" and to "express their personality" and so on. The fact is that children go through a number of developmental stages and when young, are still in the process of developing their personality. Children therefore actually require firm and consistent guidelines and discipline and should not merely be left to their own ends. Allowing children total freedom can create uncertainty and confusion and can eventually lead to feelings of insecurity which can even form part of their developing personalities
Children are sometimes spoilt by their parents in an attempt to secure their co-operation and love by means of building dependence and a sense of close bonding. It is important to bond with children and this does mean spending time with them and re-assuring, hugging and holding them and seeing to their needs. Young children have a great need for constant re-assurance and a sense of security. However, they also need to learn to respect their parents and it is often this lack of respect that leads to confrontations later on when the children grow up to become teenagers. Once again, this respect is earned by the parent having a set of definite limits and rules as to acceptable behaviours and not being afraid to punish if these rules are transgressed.
The trust and respect of children is also earned by means of providing the child with a good example of how adults should behave, by parents demonstrating love and integrity in their behaviour towards each other. It is also necessary to provide proper guidance by means of instilling religious, spiritual or moral values in the children at an early age. This is also best done by example.
Second, we know from research that problems at home do impact severely on children, especially when they are young and impressionable. It is unfortunately true that incidents such as arguments and conflict in the home can make a child very anxious and major events such as divorce or separation from role models such as the father figure, can result in long-term problems. Extreme cases such as alcoholism, emotional, physical or sexual abuse or neglect, can have far- reaching implications for the child, which will persist during adolescence and even into adulthood. In such cases we could expect anxiety, withdrawal and even anti-social behaviour later on. Some children can overcome difficult circumstances and still do fairly well, but I do not believe that any child will be left untouched by traumatic circumstances at home. We therefore need to take great care as regards what goes on in the home and ensure that we always provide a positive and loving example to our children.
If it is seen early on that a child is experiencing behaviour or learning problems either at school or at home, it should be addressed immediately by means of referral to a qualified person. The problem will not simply go away and can only become worse once the child reaches adolescence and becomes a teenager, as a whole series of new factors now come into account.

Understanding your teenager : By Jimmy Henderson
During adolescence (the teenage years), as the result of hormonal changes, teens experience tremendous growth in their bodies, minds and thinking abilities. They develop very powerful needs for more freedom (independence), the need to be recognised and respected as a person who can make his or her own decisions, the need for acceptance (especially from peers), but also from parents and other adults and the need to understand and come to terms with their emotions (self-image and self- esteem) and sexuality.
Self-image and self-esteem play an enormous part in their expectations and behaviour. The self-image can be simply defined as that which we see and think when we look in the mirror. In other words, who or what we think we are in terms of our looks and personality, whether we see ourselves as too fat or too thin and either attractive or unattractive to others, as well as our thoughts about our families economic status and position in the community. Self-image also includes what we represent to ourselves in terms of our beliefs and values (moral/religious). I will deal more with self-image in a later discussion, but it will suffice at this point to say that our self-image is very vulnerable and teens will also go to great lengths to try to maintain a positive self-image to others. If, however, their self-image breaks down as the result of feeling humiliated or inadequate, it will drastically affect their behaviour and relationships with others, including their parents, as it is related to their sense of self-confidence and self-esteem.
Self-esteem is related to self-image, but is concerned more with emotions and the way the teenager feels about himself or herself. In other words, his or her sense of self-worth. Teens quickly develop an intense emotional life and ride a roller coaster of good and bad feelings. If things go well they feel good and if things go bad they can easily become very angry, frustrated and depressed. They have not yet developed the skills to process the ups and downs of everyday life smoothly. This makes them very open to mood swings and they are often ruled by their emotions. As I said before, being frustrated in their needs can easily make them aggressive and rebellious, especially if this is coupled to earlier emotional pain and frustration experienced as a young child.
In my experience, there are a number of problems most frequently encountered by teenagers which become real headaches for parents. I will discuss a few of these now.
The most important problem appears to be unpleasant relationships with parents or friends. Many teens enter puberty with underlying resentments, distrust or a general lack of respect for the feelings of parents or other people. This can be due to unresolved issues and emotional problems from early childhood or merely because of an assertive personality or trying to build a macho or strong self-image. It is normal for a teen to try and challenge old ways and assert themselves as an independent person. They are still in the process of what we call, social learning, and need to discover their new place in the social scheme of things. However, ego-driven or selfish behaviour does not lend itself to building good relationships and this is where conflict between parents and teenagers occurs most..
Second, conflict often results from the teenager making bad decisions with regard to money, spending or staying out late. Spending problems are usually due to a general lack of responsibility and common sense, which only comes later from life experience. It can also result from the need to build their self-image by "showing off" to his or her friends, which can be costly. The question of coming home late relates once again to the need for independence and self-assertiveness.
Third, we may find a teen who displays immature behaviour, or is withdrawn or has very few coping skills. This could be due to him or her having inherited some or other personality trait of a parent or just as the result of a lack of early guidance and support from parents or role models. Unfavourable circumstances such as being poor or being affected by past experiences with violence, abuse or neglect in the home, would usually reflect in a low self-image and self-esteem and a lack of confidence resulting in immaturity or social withdrawal. Such a teen longs for acceptance and is extremely open to the dangers of peer pressure.
Finally, we have the problem of low performance at school or behavioural problems (lack of discipline or drug or alcohol abuse). This can result from many factors, including personality, a lack of early guidance and discipline as well as peer pressure and the teenagers desperate need for acceptance and respect.
In the next issue we will look at positive ways of assisting our teens to be more competent and responsible people and at ways of dealing with so-called problem teenagers.

Dealing with teenage problems : By Jimmy Henderson
The first and most important requirement for a good relationship with your teen is to gain their trust and to build mutual respect. If a common trust and mutual respect between parent and teenager has already been established early on in their lives as small children, it will be found that they will communicate better and are generally more open and honest about their issues and feelings, which makes it possible for the parent to play a more meaningful role in giving them continued guidance and direction. However, many teens are not always prepared to share their innermost feelings with their parents and we should respect that.
It is very difficult to acquire the trust and respect of a young person for the first time when he or she is already a teen. As I said before, the important job of building trust, love and respect should begin when the child is young and naturally more open and trusting. This is why it is so difficult for step-parents to build a relationship with a teen who has not known them since early childhood. However, it is not impossible to regain or to form a relationship with a person in his or her teens, provided we are aware of the obstacles involved. This will be a slow process in which the respect and trust of the teen will need to be earned by means of a good example, genuine concern and integrity. Teens are very observant and quick to point out any discrepancy in the behaviour of adults, and only those adults who are genuine in their concern and who behave consistently and with integrity, will pass the "teen respect test". A little understanding of their specific personality, problems and needs will go a long way in building or re-building a relationship.
Teenagers do not normally respond well to the use of force or threats, as this threatens the self-image they are attempting to build up of themselves as independent and coping individuals. In some cases, when confronted openly, they will either fight back with strong arguments, anger and resentment or flee into withdrawal. With teens the emphasis should shift more towards discussion, guidance and co-operation with regard to the rules and limits set by parents rather than expecting total and unconditional obedience.
Teens respond well to support and positive reinforcement (praise). In other words, this means supporting them in their interests and sporting endeavours and being prepared to boost them emotionally and psychologically wherever possible. This sort of positive involvement in their lives makes it possible to give guidance without being too invasive or directive. Teens do require quite a degree of privacy, this allows them to create a personal space which identifies them as an individual with their own rights.
Parenting is a very difficult task and with teens, sometimes the secret to gaining their trust and co-operation is merely timing, knowing when to approach and when and how to confront on an issue.
Many parents I have spoken to tell me that they love their (teenage ) children but do not like them very much. Here they are obviously referring more to their behaviour or attitudes, which may be unacceptable. However, loving unconditionally means being prepared to spend time and patience with your teen and supporting him or her even if you are not very happy with his or her behaviour at times. We need to learn to separate our love for our child from our non-acceptance of his or her attitude or behaviour. As I said before, teens are very subject to mood swings and sometimes we just need to learn not to react too quickly to negative attitudes or rude behaviour, which can pass quickly. However, consistently bad behaviour may be due to immaturity, anti-social attitudes or low self-esteem as the result of issues from the past or even their present situation and may need to be addressed by a counsellor. Unreasonable expectations from parents, especially with regard to school performance, have also been known to drive teenagers into behavioural problems, depression and even to suicide. Teens can be very sensitive and will quickly sense if they are being judged and rejected because they are not performing or "not good enough", but will respond reasonably well to advice that is given honestly, without judgment and without long lecturing. If there are very real problems with school performance, drugs or alcohol, they should rather be addressed with the help of the relevant school, institution or a professional.
As the teenager grows older and more mature, they should systematically be allowed greater freedom. Once again, understanding their needs for independence (within reason) and their feelings on being "socially acceptable", will help in our own decision-making. We need to understand that teens do lack experience and it is our role to empower them in developing coping and life skills, by slowly giving them more and more responsibility and positive guidance.
Conclusion
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