Lotus FM talk
Loss and grief
By Jimmy Henderson

Grieving
• Can be caused by death of partner or family member
• Also loss of something important (Impending death from Hiv/Aids, Cancer etc
• Loss of career, marriage, relationship-divorce.)

• Grief response
Grief response - various physical and psychological symptoms manifest &
persist (1-2 years)

• Grieving process
 Has a clear and definite role in re-adjustment of individual.
 Person releases pain over a period of time.
 Body and mind trying to adjust to the loss
 Normal process & nothing to be ashamed of.
 Problems only if process is put off, avoided or person does not receive support.
• Stages
Different theories, summarised into 3 main stages.

• Stage 1 - Initial response stage

First reaction of severe stress - can last a few days.
• Psychological reactions
Shock, dazed disbelief, confusion, numbness/or intense emotions
(crying & sobbing).
• Physical reactions
Fear - tight chest, breathing problems, hollow or painful stomach,
raised heart-rate & high blood pressure.
Also sleeping problems sleeping, hypersensitivity and exhaustion.
Also illness- weakens one’s immune system

Initial stage passes in a few days - more serious symptoms could emerge.
• Support required.
Counselling or support from family & friends (talk it through)
Also assistance with day to day running of home
Visits & support from support groups or organizations = important
Person needs to feel supported and cared for.

• Stage two : Emotional and cognitive stage.
Can last for up to one year.
 Coping mechanisms kick in.
(Protective, but can be severe & affect normal functioning).
 Avoidance behaviour - not uncommon
(avoid contact with family and friends & want to be left alone)
• Psychological effects
 Anxiety & tension -anger, irritability, unreasonableness, sadness.
Not uncommon -denial or regression into childhood response or displacing his/her anger onto family.
(Not personal - merely bad way of releasing anxiety & stress).
 Relationships & other functions requiring concentration (work) will
usually suffer.

 Preoccupied with negative thoughts -can become depression if not attended to.
• Physical problems
Illness (worsening of existing illnesses) stomach problems, sleeping
problems, bad dreams & headaches, loss of appetite, tiredness, apathy ( don’t’ care ).

• Support required.
 Family and friends support required (visits and talking) .
 Seek counselling (church, community (L/L) or professional )
Be encouraged to talk about the loss.
 Person should try to keep more or less same work & social routine
(Sitting alone with negative thinking- not helpful)

• Pathological grieving
 Grief can turn to disorder if not attended to, support put off or avoided.
 Process designed to allow persons to work through issues & resolve them.
 If process blocked or delayed -issues remain unaddressed = disorder.
 Overactive defence mechanisms- (Excessive avoidance, repression or denial = also problems
 Stress can emerge on a physical level as illnesses or substance abuse.
 Major depression
Symptoms - severe withdrawal, chronic negativity & despair
loss of meaning (directionless), helplessness and thoughts of suicide.

• Process delayed/absent or incomplete
 Grieving delayed or not yet fully expressed.
Reasons
Personality (must cope), genetic( shy) or learnt values(cowboys don’t cry)
Family situation- concern about kids, (‘Trying to be strong for their sakes’) Culture -may discourage excessive show of emotions.
Rushing through process of grieving -too painful (‘must get over it)
• Unresolved or Chronic grief
 Normal reactions, but continues for more than one year.
Reasons :
Other existing problems- unresolved stress (financial, marriage, alcohol)
Not a coping person (personality)
Other pre-existing psychological disorders such as depression.)
 Lack of social support - feels isolated & rejected
Inappropriate support (‘get over it’)
Bad advice


• Stage three. Closure or adaptation stage 1-2 years.
 Should have episodes of relative normality after 1 year.
Developmental tasks
• What is needed for recovery
• Emotional recovery
 Initial deadening of feelings (numbness) and sadness.
 Try to recover feelings of joy & happiness in one’s life.
(Re-discover the things that make you happy)
 Anger initially directed at others
(Redirect your anger into a fighting spirit and determination).
• Psychological recovery
 Initial denial / avoidance of people & issues
(Come to new understanding & acceptance of situation)
• Behaviour recovery
 Coping mechanism- Initially avoiding contact with people
(Replace with willingness to reinvest energy in life & important things -
family and friends).
 Adjustment to the changed circumstances
(Willingness to make new positive decisions)
• Growth possible through grieving
 New strengths and resilience.
 New coping skills
 Spiritual awakening

References.
Barlow, D.H.& Durand, V.M. (2002). Abnormal psychology: An integrated approach. (3rd ed.). Belmont : Wadsworth/Thompson Learning.
Corey, G.T. (2001). Theory and practice of counselling and psychotherapy (6th ed.) Belmont : Brookes /Cole.
Thompson, R.A. (1996). Counselling techniques. Improving Relationships with Others, Ourselves, Our families, and our Environment. Taylor and Francis: USA.