Lotus FM Dealing with divorce
by Jimmy Henderson

Part 1 Effects of divorce
Although I am specifically mentioning divorce, most of this information will apply in all cases where partners have ended long-term relationships.

• Divorce is painful
Even if it is a conscious decision taken by both partners, divorce is a
very painful process. What you are experiencing is the loss of an
important part of your life, a time when you shared your feelings and
trust on the most intimate level possible.
• Divorce causes stress
Divorce is very high up on the scale of stressors and depending on the
circumstances involved in the break-up, you are likely to be
experiencing extreme stress and a variety of different and intense
emotions such as anger, resentment and feelings of betrayal, but may
also include sadness, helplessness and despair.
 These emotions and symptoms are normal and will persist at the time of the break up and continue through the actual divorce proceedings.
 This is all part of a process of trying to cope and to adjust, which unfortunately, could sometimes even take years.
Stress reactions
 During this time you may also experience common stress reactions such as an initial numbness or loss of control and later stomach problems, irritability, over-sensitivity, headaches, aches and pains and a worsening of existing illnesses.
Coping behaviours
 You may also experience coping mechanisms such as denial (he will be coming back), a displacement of anger (lashing out at anyone) or avoidance, such as wanting to be alone and withdrawing from social life.
 This is also a normal reaction by which you may try to shut out the reality and pain of the event.

• What to do
Emotions
 Do not deny the emotions, but own up to them, “ Yes, I am angry” or “Yes, I am feeling lost and abandoned”
 Be prepared to work through your thoughts, and emotions such as anger, despair and pain with a trusted friend or family member, a social worker, counsellor or psychologist.
 It is very important that these intense feelings are allowed to come out and are dealt with, and not carried with you for the rest of your lives. They could later find other ways to express themselves, such as in illness or depression.

Actions
• Accept comfort and support from friends and family.

• Allow yourself the time to heal
Recently divorced persons need time to heal and to regain their emotional and
psychological balance, especially before considering another relationship.
 Do not seek comfort in the arms of a stranger, as most people are extremely vulnerable following a break-up and could be struggling with major issues related to their self-esteem.
 I have counselled many ladies who have fallen into this trap of rushing into another relationship in order to find comfort or to restore their battered self-esteem and their belief that they are still attractive and desirable, and in most cases their judgement has been in error and the situation has become far worse, more complex and stressful.
• Deal with the most pressing issues
 Look to your finances.
Make sure that you have sufficient funds and a place to stay.
If you are not financially independent, your lawyer should assist in
ensuring that you receive the necessary assistance from your ex.
 Consider assistance for your children. This may include taking them to a counsellor, social worker or psychologist.
 Children are always affected by divorce, no matter what their age. They have very
specific needs related to love, security and stability, and divorce can result in later
behaviour problems at home and school.
• Re-assure your children
 Divorce can cause children to become distrustful, insecure and in need of constant re-assurance that they are still important and loved by both parents.
 They do not always understand divorce in the same way as adults and can also carry negative thoughts and feelings of shame, loss of self-image or self-esteem.
 If they are old enough to understand, the situation should be explained to them, making it very clear that they are not to blame and they should not be afraid that the parents attitude towards them will change.
“Daddy and mommy are not going to live together anymore, but we still both love
you and will still look after you”.
 Divorce is especially disturbing to children approaching adolescence, as it may deprive them of a role model and result in a change in financial status, possibly necessitating a move to smaller, cheaper lodgings or having to do without things to which they were accustomed.
 This can seriously affect their self-image or self-esteem, leading to social withdrawal and behaviour problems. For the parent who regains custody of the children, their emotional needs and well-being should be seen as a priority.
• Consider counselling for yourself
Apart from very strong emotions, divorce can also result in negative thinking.
Thoughts such as “If I was only more attractive he wouldn’t have left” or “I just
can’t go on”, could persist and begin to break down your self-image and self-
esteem.
• Restore your feelings of self-worth, competence and control as soon as possible.
Guilt-ridden or self-destructive thinking can lead to depression. Negative
thoughts need to be confronted and challenged with the truth of the situation and
a strong belief that the right decision was made under the circumstances.
• Reach an arrangement
 Following the finalisation of the divorce, one of the most common reactions could
be anger, resentment and a desire for revenge.
 In some cases the ex-wife will cut off all ties with her ex-husband and the children can quickly become pawns in a power game designed to punish the errant husband for the pain that he has caused her.
 He is either denied access to the children, or loses contact by means of the ex-wife relocating to another town or city in an attempt to make a new start or to avoid further pain.
 Although this avoidance behaviour is understandable, in the long term, denying an ex-husband or partner access to the children could result in prolonged legal wrangles, bitterness and a tit-for-tat battle, as he will always use the one weapon over which he has control, the payment (or non-payment) of maintenance.
 Although it is very difficult due to the strong emotions involved, it is very important that both parties agree to a fair arrangement with regards to the children as soon as possible, long before the finalisation of the divorce.

Part 2 on Divorce
• Coping skills for divorce

• If things are not proceeding well, it is possible to begin to feel depressed. In this situation, your mind may fill with unpleasant feelings and extremely self-defeating thoughts such as “no-one cares for me” or “ I am worthless”. You could also consider ‘giving up’ and lose the ability to express emotion and this can be dangerous.
• Changing your perspective on the divorce
 You can change your perspective by reviewing the divorce with hindsight, clarity and a greater life experience.
 The problem is that strong feelings can ‘colour’ any situation. During the breakup you were perhaps very angry and hurt and this set off a cycle of self-defeating thoughts.
 However, a few months later, your emotions should have settled down a little and you may be able to see the whole situation more clearly and be able to accept that your breakup was inevitable and necessary.
 You can regain a proper perspective on the divorce and possibly arrive at a new
understanding which will allow you to release self-defeating thoughts and beliefs
about yourself.
 Try to recall the events leading up to the divorce as accurately as possible.
 Try to maintain an emotional distance, recalling the situations as if you were viewing a DVD. Do not allow your emotions to enter into the equation.
 Review the painful situations, remembering the self-defeating thoughts or beliefs you formed about yourself.
For example, ‘I failed as a wife’, or ‘I should have forgiven him’.
 Reconsider each of your own self-judgments in the light of the following possibilities which are based on hindsight, clarity and reason :
 The marriage took place when you were young and inexperienced.
 The divorce involved circumstances beyond your control.
 Looking at it with hindsight, there was nothing else you could have done.
 You simply cannot take responsibility for the decision of others.
 You made the best decision under the circumstances.
(This will involve you looking at other possible scenarios that could have played out if you had made a different decision.
For instance, ‘If I did stay with him, I would have been unhappy the rest of my life.’
‘If I had not divorced him he could have killed me’
‘I made a conscious decision’.
‘I was acting rationally and did not act impulsively’
 Your aim is to come to understand that you did the best that you could under the circumstances and that you no longer have to beat yourself up about this.
 In other words, to discover a new perspective on the divorce and come to the understanding that what you actually did was ‘OK’.
 This thought will allow you to release those irrational beliefs or judgments linked to regret or self-blame that are weighing you down.

• Challenging unhelpful emotions
You can challenge unhelpful emotions using a Costs and benefits approach.
 Identify the person or persons whom you are unable to forgive.
 Review each emotion you have identified associated with the person(s) or event.
For example; resentment, anger, hatred or grief.
 Examine the ‘costs’ and the ‘benefits’ of holding onto these emotions, to your present peace of mind, health, career and relationships.
Example 1. : Repressed anger and resentment
Benefits : Initially, anger directed at one’s ex-spouse or partner can be useful
in motivating you into action and providing the strength to get through the
difficult times.
Costs: However, over a period of time, holding onto these strong emotions
can affect your physical or psychological health.
Costs: An angry or resentful person is not pleasant to be with and people
may begin to avoid or isolate you.
Costs: Resentment and anger can also affect your responses to other
potential partners and the possibility of future relationships, making it
difficult to trust and love again.
Example 2: Grief and loss at the loss of the relationship.
Benefits: The urge to withdraw socially can allow you a measure of control
and time to heal.
Costs: However, avoiding contact with people over a long period is not
useful for anyone’s social life or career advancement.
Costs: A person who is ‘emotionally crippled’ by a divorce could have
difficulty finding enjoyment and happiness again.
Costs: Strong negative emotions which are unresolved can lead to
depression .
 Notice that in most cases, the costs far outweigh the initial benefits.
 Now review the emotions you have listed with the event and note the initial
benefits as well as the present costs of holding onto them.
 Make a decision that the benefits are simply not worth the costs and choose to
forgive the person or to release the emotion.
 The decision is to be made for your own sake and sanity, and not because you
believe he or she suddenly deserves forgiveness.
 You can either do this consciously or by means of a small ritual in which you
symbolically wash your hands of the person(s) or emotion, or burn a letter, after you
have listed and verbalised (out loud) the reasons for your pain and what you are feeling
towards him/her/them.
• To assist you in this decision, consider the following:
 You do not have to change your opinion of what originally happened.
 What you are changing is only your long term response to the divorce.
 He or she is not suddenly made righteous because you are letting go.
 You are consciously choosing to release it because it is in your own best interests to do so.

• Challenging self-defeating thoughts
 The intense emotions linked to past and present unpleasant events can activate a
series of self-defeating thoughts, including beliefs of being a failure, or of being
undesirable, unwanted or unloved.
For example: ‘I failed in this marriage’
‘I always fail’
‘I am a failure’
 Unfortunately, this kind of thinking can seriously affect your self-esteem and
interactions with other people.
Another way of releasing or changing self-defeating thoughts, is to directly
challenge each statement. At the time the breakup of her relationship, you may
have been deeply affected and not objective at all. This affects your judgments,
especially of yourself. You could end up blaming yourself for things that were
said and done when it may not have been your fault at all.
 You can dispute these irrational thoughts and beliefs on the basis or their simply being not accurate, unreasonable or untrue.
 List the self-defeating thoughts, beliefs and ideas you are carrying as a result of
the divorce.
For instance: ‘I am a failure’
‘No one cares for me’
‘I will never find anyone else’
 Using the power of hindsight, clarity and reason, question each belief in the
light of your present situation.
 ‘How accurate is my judgment of this situation?’
 ‘Is this really true?’
 ‘Is this really reasonable?’
 ‘Does it really happen this way in real-life?
 ‘Did this really apply to me?’
 You will find that in most cases, that you were very upset when you formed
these thoughts or beliefs, not thinking rationally and are in all likelihood,
misguided, exaggerated, inaccurate or simply not true.
 Search for the present realities in your life which dispute these negative beliefs.
For example:
 ‘I am not a failure. I have a wonderful family and am a good father/mother’
‘I have done many good things in my life’.
 ‘It is not true that no-one cares for me.’ ‘I have the support of my
family and many good friends.’
 ‘It is ridiculous for me to say that I will never find anyone else’
‘The reality is that I am a very popular person and have many
opportunities.’
 Once you have affirmed your new reality, release the old beliefs by affirming
new positive truths about yourself.
For example:
 ‘I am not a failure’. ‘I am a hard working and dedicated person’
 ‘I am not useless’. ‘ I am a very valuable asset to my family and company’.
 ‘I was never worthless’. ‘I am worthy of love and happiness’
 ‘I intend to be the best that I can be’.

• Consciously affirm that the negative thoughts and beliefs belong to the past, to moments in time which are now gone. You will no longer allow them to control you.

• Planning

 Re-look at all the positive aspects of your life and to decide on a realistic, measurable and attainable plan of action to get your life on track again.

 This could involve becoming socially active again, finding a job and becoming financially independent or focussing on self-improvement.