LOTUS FM
Specific skills for parents of teens (improving communication and relationships)
By Jimmy Henderson
A, B, C
• A - Attitude
An attitude change on the part of parents may be required to improve
communication and rebuild relationships.
 Take your teenager seriously. Be prepared to make time for him or her.
 Show unconditional love (I love you no matter what). Teens can be very sensitive and will quickly sense if they are being judged and rejected because they are not performing or ‘not good enough’.
 Unconditional love also means being prepared to spend time and patience with your teen and supporting him or her even if you are not very happy with his or her behaviour at times.
 Become less critical (more accepting). Unreasonable expectations from parents, especially with regard to school performance, have also been known to drive teenagers into behaviour problems, depression and even to suicide.
 Try to be more concerned, empathetic, compassionate and involved in their lives.
 Behave more like a person who can be respected.(demonstrate integrity and trustworthiness)

• B -Building or rebuilding the relationship
 The most important task is to regain their trust and respect.
 This means acknowledging them as people and trying to meet their growing needs for respect and independence by slowly giving them more freedom and privileges as they get older.
 This will be a slow process in which the respect and trust of the teen will need to be earned by means of a good example, genuine concern and integrity.
 Teens are very observant and will be quick to point out any discrepancy in the behaviour of adults, and only those adults who are genuine in their concern and who behave consistently and with integrity, will pass the ‘teen respect test’.
 A little understanding of their specific personality, problems and needs will go a long way in building or re-building a relationship.

• Build up a knowledge and understanding of teenage
behaviour and problems.
 Make use of the library, support groups and the internet
 Gain as much knowledge as you can about teenage development, their needs for self-esteem, acceptance, respect and independence.
 Read up on teenage anxiety and depression and know what you will be
dealing with if it happens.
 Educate yourself further with regard to what to do to help in such cases.
Discipline :
 Teenagers do not normally respond well to the use of force or threats, as this threatens the self-image they are attempting to build up of themselves as independent and coping individuals.
 Sometimes the secret to gaining their trust and co-operation is merely timing, knowing when to approach and when and how to confront on an issue.
 In some cases, when confronted openly, they will either fight back with strong arguments, anger and resentment or flee into withdrawal.
 With teens, the emphasis should shift more towards discussion, guidance and co-operation with regard to the rules and limits set by parents rather than expecting total and unconditional obedience.
 Teens are very subject to mood swings and sometimes parents just need to learn not to react too quickly to negative attitudes or rude behaviour, which can pass quickly.
 Teens will respond reasonably well to advice that is given honestly, without judgment and without long lecturing
 As the teenager grows older and more mature, he or she should be allowed greater freedom. Once again, understanding their needs for independence (within reason) and their feelings on being ‘socially acceptable’, will help.
• Support
 Parents need to understand that teens do lack experience and it is our role to empower them in developing coping and life skills, by slowly giving them more and more responsibility and positive guidance.
 A preparedness to support and assist, be it with social problems, transport, time, or finances, builds trust over time.
 If there are very real problems with school performance, drugs or alcohol, they should rather be addressed with the help of the relevant school, institution or a professional.
 Provide encouragement, not judgment.
 If the teenager is upset, offer support by showing a genuine interest and acting with empathy and compassion.
 Teens respond well to support and positive reinforcement (praise). In other words, this means supporting them in their academics, interests and sporting endeavours and being prepared to boost them emotionally and psychologically wherever possible (praise).
 Positive involvement in their lives means giving guidance without being too invasive or directive.
 Help them to explore better ways of handling difficult situations in their lives.
 Teens do require quite a degree of privacy. This allows them to create a personal space which identifies them as an individual with their own rights.
 Allow the teenager to make some decisions as to their own future.

• C --Communication skills :
 Develop the necessary skills to deal with difficult situations.
 Attend talks and workshops
 Attend parent suicide support groups

• Observational skills and body language (non-verbal)
There is a close relationship between thoughts, emotions and body language.
By reading body language, you will be able to accurately see the warning signs of
suicidal emotions and thoughts.
• A B C method
 A = Awareness .
Focus and attention required (be aware and on the lookout).
 B = Body Language
There is a close relationship between thoughts, emotions and body
language.
Rules- Use your peripheral vision (obtain a holistic view)
Do not interpret isolated gestures.
Messages occur in ‘clusters’(combination of body/face reactions)
(all parts of the body are involved)
External causes- You may be causing the discomfort in the
teenager (You may be coming across as aggressive or judgmental)
 Body posture (closing up arms and legs)
This closure of the body suggests defensive behaviour or the
presence of a threat (negative thoughts or emotions)
 Body orientation ( The way in which body is facing )
Turning your body away from someone person suggests discomfort,
or distrust). This can include avoiding eye contact.
 Body tension and voice ( Tension indicates strong emotions)
Tension is revealed by restlessness, clenching or wringing the
hands, shuffling feet or rubbing arms or legs.
Short breaths also indicate tension and anxiety.
The voice also indicates tension (quivering, tone and pitch)
 Facial expression and voice ( This indicates specific emotions )
Unique combination of facial contractions is associated with each
different emotion (anger, sadness, fear etc)
 Role of Context - sudden changes
Sudden changes in body posture, tension , voice or orientation
suggest something has been said which upsets the teenager.
Look at the context of what has been said (eg talking about his/her
schoolwork and the teenager’s body language changes- tenses up.
This indicates an area of concern.
 C = Consider his/her viewpoint
Look at your body language from the teenager’s point of view.
(The same rules apply to a parent)
The teenager may be looking for reasons not to trust the parent and
sense our true attitudes and feelings from our body language.
Continually ask yourself the following questions:
Q. What unconscious messages am I sending to him or her ?
Does my body language show that I am concerned about him/ her?
Normally ‘empathy and concern’ is suggested by sitting reasonably
close (about 1 to 1.5 metres away) leaning towards the other person,
showing no defensive postures, and having a concerned expression
on your face.
• Listening
 The purpose of effective listening
It builds trust (shows concern)
The parent can obtain information on the teenagers’s emotions,
thoughts and behavior which could suggest underlying problems or a
suicide risk.
It encourages the teen to disclose the facts (to be truthful)
• Key skills of listening
 Awareness
Listen carefully to what words are said or implied, how it is
being said (tone), as well as what is not being said (avoidance)
(This is called focus and attention).
 Body language (focus and attention)
Use your body language to indicate that you are concerned and
actually listening.
 Feedback and reflection

Reflect back what you believe he or she is saying or what you think it
means.
This builds trust and rapport and helps re-establish the relationship.

Different skills of reflection
 Para language ( no real words are used )
This involves responding at appropriate times to the teenager as he /she speaks with sounds or words such as ‘Ummm’ , ‘yes’ ‘I see’ ‘I understand’
This type of response lets the teenager know that you are listening to him
or her.
And also prompts or encourages him or her to continue.
 Key word repetition
This involves highlighting key words which you feel are important.
Teenager : ‘ I feel so rejected’
Parent : ‘rejected ?’ (Key word repetition)
Teenager : ‘yes I feel no-one listens to me’
This response also prompts the teenager to continue
And allows him/her to be aware of what he/she has said.
The teenager also has the opportunity to clarify if he /she feels
misunderstood.
 Reflection of a sentence (more than one word)
Teenager : ‘ I feel so rejected’
Parent : ‘You feel rejected’
Teenager : ‘yes, I feel no-one listens to me’
 Para-phrasing
This means rephrasing ( or interpreting) what your teen has said, in your own words.
This indicates that that you are understanding as well as listening.
Teenager : ‘I told her I can't live without her’
Parent : ‘You really love her’ (paraphrasing)
Teenager : ‘Yes, I can’t think of life without her’
Lead-ins
You can also use ‘linking’ sentences (called lead-ins) such as ‘let me try
to understand’ or ‘Do you mean that….. ’ to join up the conversation
and to introduce questions or ideas.
 Immediacy

This means giving feedback to the teenager on what you are experiencing as a result of his or her words or emotional state .
Teenager : ‘Actually I don't care if she goes or not " .
Parent : ‘I feel that you are angry with her’
Immediacy allows you to rephrase teenagers words into emotions
 The use of silence
Your should encourage the teenager to talk and not take over the conversation. Pausing or keeping quiet at emotional moments gives them time to think and respond to what has been said.
Teenager : ‘and so when I saw her again I went to pieces’.
Parent : ‘you still love her’ ……… (paraphrase and silence)
Teenager : (breaks down ) ‘Of course I still love her .’

• Questioning skills
 Do not question too early, first build a relationship.
Spend a little time just reflecting and engaging in casual conversation
before putting the teenager under pressure with direct questions.
 Integrate your reflection with questioning
Do not ask too many questions
Use reflection together with questioning - this is far less threatening.
Teenager : ‘I feel lost’
Parent : ‘you feel lost ‘(reflection)
Teenager : ‘yes’
Parent : ‘What happened to make you feel like this? (question)
 Questions should be non-threatening
Avoid the use of ‘why’ (why did you do it’ –this can be experienced as
threatening and judgmental)
Rather use ‘what happened?’ (facts –no judgment)
 Use ‘open’ questions
Do not turn the conversation into a quiz show or question and answer
session. Avoid questions which can be answered with a simple yes or no.
The teenager should be encouraged to do about 80% of the talking, in
order to bring out what is ‘bottled up’ continuously and a free flow of
emotion and thoughts.
Parent : ‘Tell me what happened’ (open-ended)
 Use of silence
Silence can also be used during questioning.
Ask the question and allow plenty of time for an answer.
Do not force the issue.
• Dealing with feelings
 The teenager should be encouraged to identify, express and share feelings.
This need to be done with concern, empathy and compassion.
(Use gentle voice tones and a ‘concerned’ body language)
(non-threatening)
(Learn to combine reflection with questions)
Parent : ‘You feel upset’, (reflection )
Teenager ‘Yes , I am terribly upset’.
Parent : ‘What is it that you are feeling ?’ (questioning).
As he/she responds, use other techniques such as reflection to link up the
questions. For example, para language "Uumm " , "ah" , "I see", I
understand’ etc and word repetition, such as ‘you felt rejected’
• Dealing with thoughts
 The teenager should also be encouraged to identify, express and share
negative thoughts
(Continue with a concerned voice tones and good body language)
(non-threatening)
(Once again, combine reflection with your questions)
Search for the negative thoughts underlying the negative feelings.
Parent : ‘What was the thought going through your mind at the time?’
‘What were you thinking at the time?’
‘What did you tell yourself?’
 Challenge negative thoughts and perceptions
Identify the sentences of negative self-talk and assist the teenager to see
that these are ‘perceptions’ of themselves or their situation, and are not
necessarily true or even accurate.
Teenager : ‘I am worthless’ (negative self-talk)
Parent : ‘You are not worthless. See how well you have done in the past’
Teenager : ‘I am alone and no one cares’
Parent : ‘You are not alone.’ ‘We all love you and will support you’.

• Conflict resolution skills
If the situation has become a conflict, there are special ways of defusing the situation.
 Keep the conversation ‘light’ and your body language non-threatening.
‘Smile a lot’. A smiling face is also less threatening and
confrontational than a scowl. Keep the conversation light and even
use humour to avoid or resolve a potential conflict, especially in
highly charged situations. Make sure that your body language is
non-aggressive and open.
 Use non threatening language :
Your teenager will react negatively is he or she feels accused,
threatened or criticised.
A simple skill that can be learnt is the use of ‘I feel’ language.
This is when you describe what you are feeling or experiencing from
the situation without being angry, critical or accusing the teenager.
For example :
Parent : ‘I feel concerned because you are not facing up to the problem’
Instead of ‘I am sick and tired of you running away’
Parent : ‘I feel upset that you are not trusting us’
Instead of ‘You just do what you want to do’.
 Respond with empathy.
If you are always abrupt and unsympathetic, you can expect a
negative reaction. Always express your concern for your child.
For example: ‘We are very concerned about you’.
‘We want to help you’
You can even learn to say NO ! with empathy.
For example :
Parent : ‘I really want to help you but I feel this is not the right decision at
this time’
Instead of ‘NO !! Go away’

 Remain in control of your own emotions
Do not allow your first response to conflict to be anger.
Tell yourself you are in control and remain calm.
Do not argue back, try to listen and give your teenager the
opportunity to ‘unpack’what he or she is feeling or thinking.
(offer no resistence )
Try to reflect the feelings and thoughts whilst he or she is talking.
If you are listening and not arguing back, it is not seen as threatening.
You will have the opportunity to state your case later when he/she has
calmed down. (Good timing is very important with teenagers)
Example:
Teenager : ‘you never listen to me , you hate me’
Parent : ‘ I can see you are upset (reflection) but
you need to tell me what is the problem.’
Teenager : ‘you always ridicule me in front of other people.’
Parent : ‘You are saying that you feel humiliated when I talk
about you?’ (paraphrasing)
Teenager : ‘I want nothing to do with you’
Parent : ‘You are upset and need to tell me what is the problem’
(reflection)
(Remember, no resistance = no negative reaction)
It also useful to ask yourself if there is any truth in what he/she is saying
about you.
This is not a time for false pride. If he or she is correct, apologise.
This can ‘disarm’ the teenager.
‘You are right, I have not listened in the past, but I’m listening now’.