Radio talk : Lotus fm : Cheating in your relationship
By Jimmy Henderson

The main reasons for cheating are :
• Dissatisfaction in the marriage or relationship (resulting from neglect , conflict or abuse) (One or both partners emotionally withdraw from relationship)
• Coupled with the availability of attractive alternatives.

2 main types of cheater- older married spouse who is dissatisfied in relationship or bored
Or younger unmarried ‘players’ (can be male or female)
• The power of the mind-once this dissatisfaction enters a relationship , it is easy to find excuses to cheat (called rationalising)
 It is not working anyway
 Its all his/her fault that this happened
 He /she hasn’t left me with an option
 I am entitled to happiness with someone else.
 He/she does not love me I must find someone else
• Unless the relationship is strong, the dissatisfied person now become vulnerable to cheating and more open to the availability of attractive alternatives.

Q. What are the factors that can lead to cheating?
1. Dissatisfaction in the relationship
• A number of factors can work together to bring about this situation
 The personalities of the partners
 The quality of the relationship
 The home and work situation
 Social and cultural factors
First factor = Personality Traits
• There are a number of personality traits that can lead to breakdown in relationships
 A low frustration tolerance or low stress threshold (resulting in conflict)
 Low resistance to sexual temptation (resulting in a predisposition to cheat)
 A depressed or anti-social personality or other disorders ( resulting in frustration or conflict )
 A dominant, highly social or assertive personality (predisposed to flirting)
(Some guys and girls enjoy having multiple partners)
 Also traits which make the person arrogant, impulsive, selfish,, unthinking and unfeeling (predisposition to neglect needs of partner)
 A non-assertive or dependent spouse/ partner could also indirectly lead to cheating (cheater not afraid of consequences)
Q. Can you explain how some of these traits can lead to cheating?
Ans : Based on prior counselling experiences
• Arrogance
 One partner decides that he/ she has a right to do as he/she pleases
(Goes out drinking or partying every evening on his/her own-the other partner becomes resentful and emotionally withdraws from the relationship) (passive–resistance)

 One partner dominates the other and allows him/her no freedom of expression
(other partners needs are suppressed and he/she copes by withdrawing sexual
intimacy (usually woman) – can be conscious or subconscious decision )
This loss of intimacy now allows partner to find excuses for cheating
• Disrespect
 Partners become disrespectful to each other
 This can result in neglect, verbal, mental, or even physical abuse and emotional and once gain, emotional divorce or withdrawal from the relationship
(remember that conflict and unhappiness in the relationship is a fertile ground for
cheating as another friendlier person in social or work circle now suddenly becomes
more attractive)
• Selfishness
 Partner/spouse feels neglected due to selfishness of other partner
(eg no effort to contribute to workload ) Can also lead to frustration and unhappiness
in the marriage or relationship
• Unappreciative
 One of main causes of extra-marital affairs by men.
 Men especially become frustrated when they feel they are not appreciated by their family for the work that they do and may seek or enjoy appreciation elsewhere
(with someone who ‘understands them’)
Makes them vulnerable to a clever lady who is looking for a good man and exploits
his unhappiness .
 Some men are unable or unwilling to give praise and emotional support and this can also make a wife or partner frustrated and dissatisfied and also result in her succumbing to the praises of a manipulative man
• Untrustworthy / lack of integrity
 These are your ‘players’ (personality and creates opportunities for cheating )
 To a player cheating can even become a habit to boost self-image and esteem
 Drinking or partying every evening and staying out late (creates opportunities for cheating and also makes a partner disillusioned with the relationship and vulnerable to the approaches of another more supportive person)
 Impulsive and immature behaviour – he/she gets involved with other person without thinking it through (usually combined with drinking which lowers inhibitions)
Second factor -The quality of the relationship
• Partner/spouse could withdraw emotionally from the relationship
• Problems in the relationship creates fertile ground for an affair as the partner/spouse may seek companionship and to fulfill his/her emotional and sexual needs elsewhere
• Possible reasons
 Lack of commitment to the relationship (He/ she does not want the relationship to continue - not really suited to start with ) (or arranged/forced marriage)
 Disillusionment with the relationship (due to partner/spouse personality and behavior)
 Verbal and emotional abuse (seeks comfort elsewhere)
 Emotional neglect (seeks love elsewhere)
 Lack of communication (no longer connecting)
 Lack of actions demonstrating appreciation and love (feels neglected or rejected-seeks appreciation elsewhere)
(A genuine love and caring should be seen in everyday words and actions, such as
the way partners speak to and treat each other)
 Lack of emotional support (the spouse/partner does not care)
(Partners should provide continual encouragement and emotional support and help each
other to achieve one another’s goals and dreams, whether in education, career or
personal growth)
 Lack of Intimacy (sexual or emotional)
(A good relationship requires a sense of closeness and regular physical contact)
 A loss of light-heartedness, excitement and fun in the relationship (leading to frustration and boredom)
Third factor- The home and work situation
• Home circumstances can add to a breakdown in the relationship
 Too busy to give attention to spouse /partner (work demands)
 Type of work enables cheating (Frequent travelling, socialising and parties)
 Family values (Do the couple share same spiritual values?)
 Family history – cheating and divorce may have taken place in parents home (modeling)
 Drinking, drug use or pornography leads to loss of inhibitions and affects decision-making with regard to cheating
 Sexual problems (emotional neglect can lead to loss of sexual intimacy)
 Decline in sexual interest by one partner
 Lack of attention to self (loss of attractiveness of spouse-partner)
 Age differences (older partner)
Fourth factor -Social and cultural factors
• Social and community factors can encourage or discourage cheating.
 Prevailing spiritual, moral and social values in the country and the community
 Passed on family values and attitudes towards cheating –is it OK ?
 Level to which the society judges or accepts cheating
 Polygamous marriages allowed in some cultures (seeking additional partners)
 Availability of counseling or professional services, church involvement (is there help for couples in crisis?)
 Lax attitude of law enforcement and courts to cheating (illicit relationships tolerated)
 The role of the media (newspapers, magazine, tabloids, TV) glamorise celebrity lifestyle –(cheating partners)
2. The availability of attractive alternatives.
• The grass is always greener on the other side
 Person may be seeking a younger and more attractive partner (not committed to relationship)
 Other men/women at work or social events always look and act their best
(unfair comparison to an older loyal partner who stays at home)
 Some men/women actively pursue others, irrespective of their marital or relationship status (enjoy the player lifestyle)
• Work or lifestyle enables cheating
 Frequent travelling
 Job involves socialising and parties
• Available opportunities and temptations
 Partner/spouse active in party and club scene (more temptations)
 Combined with reduced inhibitions due to drink and drugs
 Sex addictions (never satisfied with one partner)

What do you do when you find your spouse or partner has cheated?
A decision needs to be made
• You need to ask yourself the following questions
 Can I live with this situation and still love this person
This can lead to co-dependency when a spouse or partner adjusts to the situation
because he /she feels there is no other option(financial or emotional dependency)
and cheating will continue)
 Can this relationship be saved?
Are both partners willing to work at it and go for counselling (is there remorse?) is it once- off or still ongoing?
 Can this person ever be faithful or is it his/her personality or nature to cheat?
Is it not better that I cut my losses and leave the relationship?
Could I ever love this person again knowing I cannot trust him/her?
 How does this make me feel?
Do I blame myself for this? (Why) Why didn’t he/she discuss the problem with me?
Is it really my fault ?
*** Speaking to a counselor is very useful when you start questioning yourself)
(Lifeline or other services 031 -3122323)
•
If you both decide to try again you will need a plan
The plan should involve the following :
 Seeing a counselor together ( if the partner is not willing , this is a sign that he/she is not really committed)
 An attitude change-cheating partner need to show remorse and stop those actions or habits leading to cheating
 Attitude change could involve the following :
Being more appreciative of each other
Being less selfish and more helpful
Learning to respect each other
Learning to handle conflict better
 Trying to improve communication (spend more time talking and connecting again )
 Trying to create a better environment in which each other’s needs can be met
See the book ‘The love dare’ –based on the DVD ‘Fireproof’ which mentions 40
steps involving unselfish acts which teach partners to value each other again)
 Being willing and able to listen and to share your feelings, thoughts and concerns with each other.
• Or you may simply decide to end the relationship
 Is there is no remorse, and the situation is serious and ongoing and destroying your personality, it may be better to cut your losses and leave the relationship or divorce
 The support of family and friends will be very important
 The services of a professional psychologist should be considered if you are experiencing anxiety or depression
 If married or in a long-term relationship, you will need to seek legal advice as to your rights, maintenance and custody of the children if any
Conclusion:
Just because your spouse or lover has cheated does not make you a failure or a bad person. There are many reasons for cheating that we have discussed and you need to remember that you have a right to be happy and loved in the way that you would wish to be loved. Thank you

For my books and articles go to
www.jimmyhendersonbooks.blogspot.com .
References
Barlow, D.H.& Durand, V.M. (2002). Abnormal psychology: An integrated approach. (3rd ed.). Belmont : Wadsworth/Thompson Learning.
Hewstone et al (eds) (1985). Introduction to social psychology. UK : Blackwell.
Tesser, A.(Ed) (1995).Advanced social psychology. Macgraw Hill, Inc.
The love dare’ –based on the movie ‘Fireproof’ by Stephen and Alan Kendrick as discussed in ‘You’ Magazine 24 September