Important Guidelines for couples

By Jimmy Henderson
The greatest gift partners can give each other when entering a long-term relationship, especially marriage, is their freedom. This sounds like a contradiction, so let me explain what I actually mean by this statement. By freedom I am referring to the freedom to express their feelings, the opportunity to be themselves and the ability to make decisions, or at least to be part of decisions in which their own future is concerned. Dale Carnegie states that the two things people want most in life, is respect and to feel important. If we regard our partner as important and worthy of respect, we will be prepared to recognise him or her as an individual who has rights and their own opinion. Unfortunately, in my counselling experience, it is in most cases the woman who feels dominated or trapped and unable to openly express her needs and personality and often loses her identity or self-esteem in a one-sided relationship.
This is therefore the first area in which couples should begin working on their long-term relationship, that is, by honouring and respecting each other enough to create a safe space for the other to express himself or herself and to be able to grow as a person. This safe and secure feeling or “space” is created by building a strong relationship of trust, encouragement and emotional support. This relationship is built up over time by our actions and behaviour, which demonstrate to our partner that we can be trusted and are supportive, considerate and caring.
Being supportive does not only mean using words of encouragement, but includes our actually doing everything possible to help and empower our partners to achieve their goals and dreams, whether it be in education, career or personal growth. Sometimes this support means being prepared to listen to their problems and daily issues with empathy and concern and sometimes it may even mean standing back with patience and tolerance and allowing them to vent their anger and blow off a little steam, without our over-reacting.
Second, this honour and respect should also be seen in everyday actions, such as speaking decently to each other, especially in front of children, and showing a genuine care and concern for each others needs and welfare. Even the small things, such as remembering important dates such as anniversaries and birthdays, all send a message that “I love, honour and respect you enough to remember how important you are to me”.
Another way of making our partners feel important and loved, is by making a conscious attempt to praise and make a fuss of them as much as possible, especially in front of children or other persons. If we are truly concerned about each other, we will always find something positive, flattering or uplifting to say. This can include compliments about their appearance or thanks for that little extra favour that he or she performed without being asked. A little romance also goes a long way. Even small gestures such as cleaning up, running his or her bath and buying flowers or presents, all tell our partner that he or she is important to us.
Third, a little light-heartedness in a relationship is very healthy. Being the strong, silent type, too serious or just plain miserable, will only create tensions in the long-term. A good sense of humour, witty remarks, (not critical or personal), teasing, the use of sexual innuendo, (suggestiveness) and plenty of smiling, will all lighten a relationship and make it easier to get along.
Finally, many couples think that foreplay is something that is kept for the bedroom immediately before sex. However, if we really wish to maintain a healthy and active sex life, we need to build a feeling of intimacy and closeness with our partner every single day. Touch is very important for building trust and intimacy. This is, in fact, very easy and pleasurable, as there are always opportunities to touch our partners, whether it be merely a passing hand on the shoulder, arms around the waist, hugging, a shoulder or foot massage, a wash in the bath or sharing a bath or shower. There is also nothing wrong with an occasional rub on an intimate area to stimulate interest or intimacy, as it lets our partner know that he or she is still attractive and desirable to us.
I hope the information provided will assist couples to improve their relationship and help it to last for many years.