Understanding yourself as a teen
By Jimmy Henderson
During your adolescence (the teenage years), as the result of hormonal changes, you can expect to experience tremendous growth in your bodies, minds and thinking abilities. You will notice that you have developed very powerful needs for more freedom and independence, to be recognised and respected as a person who can make his or her own decisions, to be fully accepted (especially by friends), but also by your parents and other adults and the urge to understand and come to terms with your emotions (self-image and self-esteem) and your sexuality.
Your self-image and self-esteem form a major part of your personality and you will find that they play an enormous part in your expectations and behaviour. Your self-image can be simply defined as that which you see and think when looking in the mirror. In other words, who or what you believe you are in terms of your looks and personality, whether you see yourself as too fat or too thin, either attractive or unattractive to others, as well as your thoughts about your families economic status and position in the community. Your self-image also includes what you represent to yourself in terms of your moral and religious beliefs and values.
You must have felt by now that your self-image is quite vulnerable and this is why, as teens, you will go to great lengths to try to maintain a positive self-image to others. If, however, your self-image is broken down as the result of being constantly humiliated or feeling inadequate, it will drastically affect your behaviour and relationships with others, including your parents, as it is closely related to your sense of self-confidence and self-esteem.
Your self-esteem is related to your self-image, but is concerned more with your emotions and the way you feel about yourself. In other words, your sense of self-worth. As teens, you can expect to develop an intense emotional life and to ride a roller coaster of good and bad feelings. You may find that you are very open to mood swings and easily become angry, frustrated and depressed if things do not go your way. This is understandable, as it takes many years of life experience to develop the skills to process the ups and downs of everyday life smoothly. You may find yourself being frustrated in your needs and at times feeling rebellious. This can be even more intense if it is coupled to emotional pain and problems with your family you may have experienced as a young child and which are still unresolved.

In my experience as a counsellor, there are a number of problems most frequently encountered by teenagers which can become real headaches. I will discuss a few of these now, together with a few ideas on how to resolve them.

• I suspect the most important problem to be unpleasant relationships with your parents, teachers or friends. Some of you may have entered puberty with underlying resentments, distrust or a general lack of respect for the feelings of your parents or teachers or even some of your friends. This can be due to unresolved issues and emotional problems from your own childhood or it may merely be your personality trying to assert itself. It is normal for a teen to try and challenge old ways and assert themselves as an independent person. You are still in the process of learning and need to discover your new place in the social scheme of things. However, always remember that ego-driven or selfish behaviour does not lend itself to building good relationships and this is where conflict between yourselves and your parents, teachers and friends occurs most.

The first and most important requirement for a good relationship with your parents, teachers and friends is to gain their trust and to build mutual respect. If a common trust and mutual respect between yourselves and your parents has already been established early in your childhood, you will communicate better and find it possible to be generally more open and honest about your issues and feelings. It is important to understand that both parenting and teaching are very difficult and responsible tasks. You will therefore need to learn to respect your parents or teachers and allow them to play a meaningful role in giving you guidance and direction. If they experience this basic respect, it likely that, in turn, you will receive the respect and acceptance you wish for yourself.
For those of you that have step-fathers or step-mothers, it can be very difficult to build a relationship with a person whom you have not known from childhood. This will be a slow process in which mutual respect and trust will need to be earned by means of positive behaviour, genuine concern and integrity on the your part as well as that of your step-parent.

• Conflict often results from arguments with regard to spending or staying out late. Over-spending may result from your lack of experience, but can also result from your need to build your self-image by impressing your friends, and this can be costly. You will find that the whole issue of being allowed out late relates once again to your need for independence and self-assertiveness, but this needs to be handled carefully. You are attempting to build up an self-image of yourselves as independent and coping individuals. However, attacking your parents with strong words, anger and resentment or withdrawing completely from the family when confronted, will not solve the problem. Sometimes the secret to gaining their trust and co-operation is merely timing, knowing when and how to approach them on an issue. This is dependent on your having good communication skills and a willingness to give and take, which we can discuss more fully during a later article.

Most parents will be prepared to discuss and compromise on an issue such as curfew time provided you are willing to accept their guidance and give your co-operation with regard to the rules. Your attitude towards your parents and the whole idea of rules, limits and guidelines, is therefore extremely important. Freedom and independence does not come all at once. As you grow older and demonstrate that you are more responsible and mature, you should systematically be allowed greater freedom. A 15 or 16 year old who is still in school cannot expect the same privileges as an 18 or 19 year old who is in university.

• Some teens are very shy and withdrawn and have many problems coping socially. You may also have been told that you are immature or childish for your age. It may be that you have inherited some or other personality trait of your parents, such as not having an outgoing personality. However, these problems may also be due to your earlier childhood, in which you may not have received sufficient guidance and support from your parents or role models, leaving you feeling lonely and isolated. Unfortunate circumstances such as poverty or unhappy past experiences with violence, abuse or neglect in your home, will affect your self-image and self-esteem and could be the cause of your lack of confidence, shyness or immaturity and this will need to be dealt with by a counsellor.

• We also have the problem of unreasonable expectations from parents, especially with regard to achievement in school or sports activities. Unreasonable expectations have been known to drive teenagers into behaviour problems, depression and even to suicide. Once again, the danger is related to your sense of self-esteem or self-worth. It takes courage to be able to stand on your own two feet and say “I’m OK”, even when you feel judged or that you not being accepted because you are not considered "good enough".

If you are experiencing problems in this area and are unable to resolve it with your parents, it would be wise to seek advice from school counsellors or teachers who can give you an honest opinion on your performance and further guidance as to what steps to follow.

• You may also be experiencing peer pressure to become sexually active, to use drugs or to drink excessively. These can be major problems if you have not been taught about the dangers from an early age and have not developed the self-discipline to cope with these temptations and with peer pressure. With peer pressure, your need for acceptance and respect can steer you towards behaviour which you would normally not consider safe or acceptable. The counter to such pressure is to build up a strong set of moral and ethical beliefs, including a firm belief in yourself and secondly, to avoid situations where you know you will be subject to such pressure. If you are caught up in a situation, use the power of your self-awareness to become aware of what is happening around you and the implications of these actions and to get out of the situation as soon as you can.

Finally, as part of a family you are entitled to the unconditional love, support and encouragement of your parents, especially when you are experiencing difficulties or in the middle of a crisis. Unfortunately, I do understand that sometimes this support and unconditional acceptance may not always be forthcoming. In such cases, I would recommend that, rather than taking advice from well-meaning friends who do not have any more answers than you do, you seek help from a school counsellor, a relevant organisation or a professional therapist.